I’ve come to some pretty difficult realizations lately about the relationships in my life. The main take away being, I was so desperate to feel liked or accepted, to feel as though I were fitting in, I had completely changed my personality to cater to those I wanted to be liked by. And no surprises, I completely lost myself in the process. I’ll be talking about how I woke from the trance of not knowing that I was “playing a part” to feel as though I was fitting in with those who I saw as the keepers of me feeling accepted and ultimately loved. But let’s start first with the beginning, where it all started for me.
Withholding Acceptance & Not Feeling as Though I was Fitting in
I believe one of the very first lessons I learned from my family was, when they looked at me with a critical, judgmental eye, that meant that I was not meeting their expectations. And maybe more importantly, I didn’t belong. This is were much of my personality was forged. In the search for approval from those who were supposed to love me unconditionally. And as a child, if you don’t feel loved by your family, you’ll go to great lengths to gain the love that is being held back.
I can remember very distinctively, pulling back from my family at an early age because I just didn’t feel like I was fitting in or a part of my family. My sibling and cousins would often times drink in the hot tub together. Something that sound relaxing to me now. But I hid from them. Too scared to be a part of their revelry. Knowing that I would incur some emotional wounding if I jumped in with them. So I spent a good portion of my time on my own.
Because my family, including myself, excelled at withholding love from each other and doling it out, not unlike a drug, to keep the other person constantly in a state of feeling as though they were about to get the love we needed if we could just measure up. We did this to feel as though we were needed. By having someone begging for our love. To feel more valuable. But what happens when those who are withholding love, don’t know how to give and receive love?
When We’re all Uncertain of How to Feel like We’re Fitting in
What I’ve come to realize is, that nobody in my family knew how to feel loved or belonging. We had all been so afraid to open up for so long, that we just forgot how to do it. Withholding love was so second nature, that even if we did manage to measure up to some impossible standard, we’d have to raise it higher because we didn’t know how to nurture affection.
So we were all left in very lonely and confusing states. Wanting to be loved, but not knowing what to do when somebody willing, showed us that they needed to be loved. This is when we would run from the other. Wanting to love and be loved and not knowing how, but also too afraid to open up to the hurt the other would inevitably cause. These were the lessons that were passed down in my family and the ones I used to navigate all of my relationships in life.
The Legacy of Uncertainty
From friends to romantic relationships, I was trapped in this cycle of not knowing how to feel belonging, mixed with being to fearful to open to those closest to me. Eventually, I learned to fit the mold of what I thought others expected from me. In order to feel that the other saw me as worth belonging to, as fitting in, without question. But this left me adjusting to what others thought fitting in looked like. This left me unable to express myself as I truly was or wanted to be.
Though even if I was granted permission to be unapologetically me, I didn’t know who I was. I had been so focused on what everybody else wanted from me, that I completely lost who I was. And I was scared of being ousted from my friend group and family if I stopped being what was expected of me, but also feeling lonely as well. I never felt as though I could relax around those closest to me. This left me feeling as though I had to protect myself from those whom should have brought me comfort. This was what was so confusing, me not realizing I was trying to be somebody I wasn’t to be liked.
I had been taught from such an early age how to pretend to be something in order to fit in, that I hadn’t realize what I was doing. It was the norm in my family. We were so disconnected from what we truly liked and enjoyed, that we just didn’t realize when we genuinely liked something, from our authentic selves. Or if we liked it due to it being just a fad that was popular.
Fads are for Fitting In, Not Finding our Authentic Selves
This type of seeking approval was most apparent with my grandmother. She was a model in the 40’s and 50’s for home beauty products. And this experience, of gaining acceptance for her physical appearance, was one that was at the core of her identity. Everything had to be brand name and looks were more important than any other type of bond. She was also emotionally and verbally abusive.
She would viscously criticize her daughters appearances consistently and once, slammed my hand in her car door and left me there for fifteen minutes. This type of behavior is more in line with fascist dictators that with a loving matriarch. So it’s no wonder that we were all left scrambling to figure out what fitting in looked like in this climate of fear.
No body ever asked, “what do you like?” Nor did we ever ask what the other person was like. We were all too busy telling each other how we were, in order to control the them. So we would know for certain how to feel loved by them because we controlled them. And all this while judging how to change ourselves to be most accepted by those we saw as holders of our belonging. So to be our authentic selves would mean that we’d have to be brave enough to sever ourselves from the ways of belonging we had been taught. Which meant we’d be completely on our own. And we just weren’t strong enough to be this vulnerable or our authentic selves. Not on our own anyway.
Finding Support in being Our Authentic Selves
This was a tough one for me. All I knew of belonging was of what others were expecting of me. So when I decided to be my own person, I needed a new map. Luckily, we can’t ever completely lose ourselves. I had some ideas of what I liked and so that’s where I started. I think the place where this was most apparent was with the music I was listening to.
No matter who I was trying to be, I was always honest with myself around the kinds of music I liked. And it’s important to be able to relate to this aspect of your personality. I know for me, that the music I listen to is usually a reflection of my mood. Fitting in, when it comes to music, was never a concern for me. My connection to music has always been an emotionally cathartic one. The tones and beats, to the lyrics and cadence, the music I relate to is usually a reflection of how I feel. And embodying that feeling is empowering. So if you’re looking to get in touch with yourself, music is a great place to start.
As I’ve said before, I spent much of my childhood shopping with my family. Looking to feel belonging through what we purchased instead of who we are. I went through a period in my twenties where I was wearing designer clothing because it was what my friends were doing. I wore lots of cologne and drank expensive liquor, thinking this was what fitting in entailed. This lead to me feeling uncomfortable in my own clothing most of the time. Not to mention uncomfortable with myself.
Now my dress suits my personality. I dress in mostly thrifted clothing and in plain, understated pieces. For example, I’m wearing a a yoga with Adriene sweatshirt with my favorite pair of jeans and a bandana from an old work shirt and a pair of crocks for comfort. And on occasion I’ll wear sandalwood essential oil. Comfort is priority for me now. I still like the way I look, but it’s not the core of my self worth.
Friends & Family
And when it comes to friends and family, I’m finally surrounding myself with people who are accepting. I’ve lost a lot of friends along the way. Mostly due to the ways I was choosing to be in relationship with them. Now that I’m valuing my authentic self, I’ve also implemented some much needed boundaries around my relationships. This was no easy task seeing how most of my relationships were built on unclear and unhealthy boundaries.
I used to believe that any boundary, as healthy as it may have been, was a block to me feeling loved and accepted. So I would allow those I was in relationship with, to do whatever they wanted to me. This left me feeling hurt, guarded and uncertain of where I stood in their regard.
Now, the people I rely on for support all practice healthy boundaries. We are able to support each other without losing ourselves to the other. There are no longer the thousand tiny wounds I used to incur by just being in relationship. I know now that I am keeping myself safe by removing myself from relationships that are harmful to me. And those that I trust, have shown me that they are trust worthy and safe to be around. And that feels good : )
Outlets for Creativity
Finding a way to communicate my personality is another important aspect of finding my authentic self. Bullet journaling is a great example of this type of self expression. Journaling is a place where I can plan and organize. Two facets of myself that I enjoy expressing and are helping me to live the life I want to live.
This blog too, is a place where I can unpack my experiences and make sense of them. Writing down my experiences, matching feelings to them and organizing them into a fashion that’s cohesive, is the map I’m able to use to navigate my narrative. My bearings in my emotional life. Because in my youth, there was no mirroring. My upbringing was so volatile, that I was thrown into one crisis after another, without time to stop and understand how my circumstances were effecting me.
Blogging not only allows me to make sense of what’s happened to me, but also shows me how to be more of myself. And relax a little more in the process. I’m unpacking the past and making some much needed room for myself to feel at ease with all the pieces I’ve been unpacking. Getting to know myself better by relating to the experiences I’ve been through.
Finding Your Place
This type of work isn’t easy. For me, there was the fear of not knowing how to belong, followed by the anxiety of desperately trying to find a way to feel acceptance. When I realized I wasn’t going to feel accepted by those who couldn’t accept themselves, there was the confusion of what to do to feel belonging. And finally, the work I had to do to help to make myself feel at ease in knowing that I can choose healthy ways to belong, in healthy forms of relationship.
But doing this type of work is important to feeling at home in your relationships. It was for me anyway. Without feeling like I belong to the people I choose to be in my life, I feel a loneliness. Because we belong to each other. No one person is built to do everything on their own. We need each other, and it feel good to be needed. An integral part of somebodies life.
So find those people that bring out the best in you. The ones that bring you ease just being around them. This is where you’ll find your belonging. Fitting in is more than just looking good to somebody else because you say or do the right things at the right times. It’s about finding the people who appreciate you for showing your authentic self. Then we can grow in our relationships in the ways that makes us truly the best version of ourselves. Peace & thanks for reading : )