Disagreement and Belonging: Fear of Being Unloved

In the environment I grew up in, when you had a disagreement with someone, it was taken personally. It was difficult to have your own opinions in my family. For some reason, our opinions had to be right. And more to the point, others had to agree with us and our opinions. There was so much fear around not being seen as being right, that it dominated all of our interactions. That’s what I’d like to take a look at in this post. About how our feelings of belonging are connected to the ways we feel we have to act during a disagreement in order to feel loved.

What’s Between Us and Feeling Loved?

In my past experience, disagreements were usually events filled with all sorts of negative emotions. Resentment being one, along with anger and feeling hurt. No wonder we didn’t want to be wrong. Who would if it constantly brought up these difficult emotions. But there in lies the problem: we’re not always right. Nor do I want to be. Where would the spontaneity be, the fun and the surprise?

But when you see being right as the gateway to your belonging, that’s when we begin to grasp at what will help us feel a sense of that belonging. Because in our situation, we took it personally when we had a disagreement. There was no middle ground or conceding to the other. We were thinking in black and white terms. Feeling as though we had to be right and the other had to be wrong.

And what followed was a false sense of security. Of feeling righteous in our rightness while the other was left to lick their wounds. So with all this adversity, we kept each other at a distance. We were either ashamed of our feeling wounded by being wrong, or wanted to bask in our rightness while the other felt inferior. This was no bueno for sure.

Being Wounded by Disagreement Meant Feeling Unloved

And this was where we learned to feel unlovable. The constant wounding and retreat from each other left us all fearful. Unwilling and scared to connect to one another because we had no healthy ways of doing so. We would numb our feelings with alcohol while we were together, but we were still tearing everybody around us down. And the numbing would only work for so long as we were drinking. We would eventually have to confront the wounds we had inflicted and had endured during our connecting and disagreements.

We only got together on the holidays, because we were too afraid to feel the hurtful ways of connecting that were inevitable when we got together. An extreme example of this is when I was kicked out of my house at 19. There was no one disagreement that triggered my expulsion, but I believe this was a direct result of us being too frightened of coming to terms with all the damage we had done to one another through the years. All the wounds from our traumatic ways of disagreement with each other were left to fester. And we just weren’t strong enough to feel the hurt that had been building.

This Lead to Isolation and Numbing Our Pain

As I’ve said above, we isolated from one another. Then we numbed the pain of feeling lonely. Instead of trying to reach out and understand each other’s pain, we drank because it was easy. Looking back now, there was nothing easy about all the pain we were trying to cover over. Managing that amount of hurt was a fulltime job. And we were constantly feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the task.

But we kept going because it was all we knew. We never learned the language of our own, or each other’s emotional experiences. It was a place we were unwilling to go because it was too raw.

So we spent a lot of our time hiding from one another. But as the old adage says, the way out is most definitely through. Through the wounds unattended, the fear of betrayal, the insecurity from disagreement and ridicule it inevitably brought. There were loads of reasons to hide. But what takes true strength and courage is to sit with the fear. Feel what we were unwilling to feel. It’s then that, as Mark Twain put it, and I’m paraphrasing, that we resist the fear, master the fear.

Learning to Master Our Fear

This is something that takes a lot of strength to accomplish. And it isn’t usually a one shot. It takes lots of practice and patience. But also, and arguably most importantly, to know that you’ll come out the other side of your fear intact.

Because when you’re caught in the grip of fear, it often times feels a though that’s all there is and all that will ever be. No wonder we and so many like us choose to numb the emotion. If you’re stuck in fear and the people who are supposed to guide you out of it are the ones abusing you, then you would grasp at anything that made you feel better in the moment. Regardless of how dangerous or self destructive it may be.

Recognizing You’re Stuck & Covering Over Your Fear

And that’s where we were, for sure. In fact, everything we were doing was something that was designed to make us feel more alone, more hurt. From acting superior to the other for a quick ego boost. To the caffeine to keep us going in the morning and alcohol at night. All our ways of coping with our fear, the ways we tried to manage it, were all unsustainable.

So in order for me to recognize that we were stuck in the grip of an unhealthy fear management cycle, I had to take some time apart. And make some decisions that would have important consequences, changing my life’s trajectory.

Hard Lessons Learned

While I was in the grip of my own fear, I had set up my life as I had been shown to. Modeled for me by my family. Tearing others down to build myself up and looking for all sorts of unsustainable ways of feeling belonging. And what’s strange about this way of being is, that I surrounded myself with people who were also practicing these unsustainable ways of being in relationship.

You would think that there wasn’t enough room for all the inflated egos. But we struck a strange balance between tearing each other down and building ourselves up. It was as though we were taking turns, on a rotation. We needed the other around to tear down, so we endured being torn down ourselves. It was definitely unhealthy and maybe a little co-dependent.

A disagreement turned into attacks on our character. Which turned into a running “joke”. Everywhere you turned, there was another person waiting to say something snarky. Belittle you in some way. And these were the people I called friends.

Turning the Tables

What woke me from the fear was when I thought I fell in love with a woman. In fact, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I had been so numb from a life’s time worth of covering over hurt emotions, that I didn’t know what I was feeling at any given time. Until I became infatuated with a woman.

When we were in the infancy of our relationship, the woman I was infatuated with made some devastating decisions while drinking. After which we talked about quitting drinking together. So I gave up alcohol for her, and she me. For a while.

I gave up drinking to numb my feelings. And still to this day only have the occasional drink. She however was unable to commit to the same level of dedication that I had committed to. We started fighting more and in the end we broke up over something that was not inconsequential, but blown out of proportion, to detract from the ways I was asking her to stay faithful to me by not drinking. One disagreement lead to another and by the time I realized what had happened, I was being asked to leave.

Waking Up is Difficult

And yeah, it was difficult. But I’m better, stronger now for going through it. I’m building better relationships now because of it. And yeah, those relationships have there ups and downs. There are times I worry about those I work with, because I think they’re pushing themselves too hard. Or feeling like they need to get everything perfect. But I’m experiencing the relationships in the present, without hiding behind some method to alter how I feel.

A disagreement will still come up now and again. But what’s different between now and the old ways I used to view disagreement is, that I no longer feel that I’m not valued for feeling or thinking about something differently. And what’s really incredible is, I’m now able to admit when I’m wrong. Or that somebody has an idea that would work better than my own. Something I never would have thought possible only a few years ago!

Disagreement is Healthy

And finally, in case no one ever told you as I was never told, disagreement is healthy. We don’t have to agree all the time in order to get along. And agreeing is definitely not prerequisite to belonging or feeling loved.

If you were brought up in a similar situation to mine, it may be worth your while to examine your relationships. Do you feel worse about yourself after a disagreement often? Are you afraid to disagree with those who are closest? If so, why? Do you feel ashamed of being wrong or have you been shamed for being wrong. These are unhealthy ways of disagreeing.

Try taking some space from the relationships that make you feel shameful. Instead, practice being open to being wrong. Without shame or judgement, just let the idea that you are wrong at times, be. And when it comes up in your daily interactions, own it. Acknowledge that you were wrong and if applicable, thank the person for pointing it out. If you’re anything like me, it will be a difficult task at first. But for me, it got easier the more often I practiced it.

So good luck reader. As I’ve said, admitting you’re wrong and owning it can be no easy task if it’s historically gotten in the way of your feeling belonging and loveable. But know that this isn’t the case. There are people out there that are willing to build healthy relationships while still being able to tolerate a disagreement now and again. And who knows, maybe even making the relationship a little stronger in the process. Peace 🙂 and thanks for reading.

Related Reading: How to Own a Mistake

Image Credits: “Disagreement” by mikecogh is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Moving Past The Past and Into Forgiveness

Moving past the past and into forgiveness. I’ve spoken a lot about the situations and circumstances of my past on this blog. But what I’ve come to realize is, that for all the work I’ve done on coming to terms with what happened in the past, I haven’t really forgiven the major players in the story of what has happened to me. I suppose I needed the time to understand how their actions effected me. But what I’m coming to realize is, that the more I focus on what has happened, the more I stay trapped in my past feelings and patterns .

So with this in mind, I’d like to move past the past and look towards the future, by forgiving those involved in my past story. I want to start by taking a look at the circumstances of my past, those involved and try to use what I’ve been practicing in this blog and extend a little forgiveness to those who’ve wronged me. So let’s see if we can’t move past these road blocks that’ve been holding me back and I imagine others in my situation as well : )

Respecting What Has Happened, Not Forgetting It

For me, forgiveness wasn’t something that was taught, well ever really. I can’t recall one instance in my family where a person admitted that they were wrong. Let alone us forgiving someone for doing something hurtful. This sent me the message that, admitting you’re wrong, as well as apologizing to and forgiving others, is a sign of weakness. And in my family, we used mistakes against one another to feel superior, by making the person who erred look foolish and feel small.

So it was in this environment that I learned to navigate the landmine filled maze of my family members emotional spaces. It was confusing. I was constantly being hit with verbal shrapnel, exploding from one of my family members mouths, all the while nursing one wound or another aimed to maim. And I learned to use the same tactics they were employing, to protect myself from what they were doing to me. It was a frightening environment to grow up in to say the least.

But Dragging Your Past With You Will Weigh You Down

So it was with these lessons that I forged a future for myself. Using the same tools I had learned to use to survive my family in my youth. But this lead to an unhealthy way of living. I couldn’t let my guard down for long enough to build trust with anyone in order to form lasting, healthy relationships. And those that I did call my friends, didn’t stick around when things got difficult. Because we were all using the same lessons to hold our relationships together, there wasn’t much of a substantial connection between us to begin with.

And those bonds we thought we had with one another, were really chains keeping us connected to our past ways of staying “connected”, though not necessarily with each other. We were constantly demeaning one another to look and feel superior while drinking, with the occasional drug use thrown in for some added avoidance of how we were being hurtful to one another.

What we were really doing was avoiding the tender parts of our relationships. The parts where we may have felt insecure about how we looked to each other. Or whether or not we felt a sense of belonging and basic support at all. God knows that we didn’t get it from our families. So we were left on our own to sort out how to feel a part of something larger while being held down by the chains of our past.

So The Past Was Difficult, How Do We Move Past It and Into Forgiveness?

This was/is the tricky part for me. Getting through the feelings of, “I should have gotten what I needed from those raising me”, wasn’t easy. Looking back at what I experienced and where I am now, there was a lot to process, but also a lot to be grateful for. And that’s definitely a great place to start. In realizing that it wasn’t all bad.

Moving Past the Negative Experiences to Look Toward the Positive Ones

I’ve been lucky enough to have had some unique and wonderful experiences along with the difficult ones. I find that when you’re in the middle of remembering the difficult past, it’s hard to see those that were involved as anything but a bad person, or some sort of monster. And there are some monstrous deeds that sometimes are too difficult to process on our own, for sure. But that doesn’t mean that we should allow those deeds to dictate how we live out the rest of our lives.

Or to make wise choices on who we allow to be a part of our future experiences. But it’s important to recognize that there will be good times again, and that if we set some boundaries and choose carefully who we allow access into our lives, we can look forward to happy and fulfilling times : )

Boundary Setting

An example from my life, in trying to rebuild some of the past connections with those who’ve hurt me is, that I’ve been making a habit of trying to stay in touch via text or group chat more frequently. This may seem like a small step and something that most of us do on the daily anyways. But for me and my family, we seldom talk to one another. And when we do, we use words as our preferred weapon, to keep the other at arms length.

This was something I hadn’t realized how bad it had been until only a few years ago. I had asked a family member to meet me at a local whole foods, so we could get lunch and catch up on what was happening in our lives. They agreed and we met in the café area on a day we both had free. We were a little nervous at first, having not seen each other in a long time. But things started out fairly normal.

We asked one another about how things were going, what we’d been up too and how other family members were doing. It all seemed to be going fairly well until they started belittling and making fun of me in the same judgmental fashion that we would poke and prod one another in the past. This was most likely to see where my boundaries were and what they could get away with. It left me feeling confused, a little hurt and sad that we weren’t able to meet without trying to wound the other.

This was something that we used to do, especially when we would drink together. We would be a few drinks in when inevitably the anger that had been seething just beneath the surface, of all the years of neglect and abuse, would come spewing out of our mouths in the form of resentments, judgements and insults, aimed to tear the other person down. And nobody was safe once we got going.

I’m not sure how we got to this place, of feeling that it was okay to be so free with our resentments towards one another in the cruelest ways we could muster. But we had been practicing that way of being for a long time. Now, for me and my safety, I’m choosing how much of the conversation I’m allowing into my life by being a part of it, though only on my terms.

I text on a semi-frequent basis, but also know that I’m able to put down the conversation if it takes a turn for the abusive. Now that I am no longer practicing that type of connection, I see how corrosive that type of resentment can be in relationships. I’m choosing to keep myself safe by setting the boundaries of being able to pick up and put down the conversation on my own terms.

There will be times in the future where I’ll be more flexible in how someone wants to direct the conversation, for sure. But until we can prove that we’re going to treat each other with respect first and foremost, I feel good about taking care of myself in this way. Respecting myself by respecting my boundaries. For more on setting healthy boundaries, this article written by John Amodeo on “Psychology Today” does a beautiful job of explaining what boundaries look like and how to maintain them. Good read, highly recommended.

When To Relax Your Boundaries

While forging these new relationships, it’s important to remember that the end goal is to have a mutually respectful, but also enjoyable experience with one another. This is unlikely to happen if our boundaries are turned all the way up to ten on the dial. Though this maybe necessary when you’re first forging these bonds as I am.

So if you’re rebuilding these bonds, go slow. Give it some time to see how the other person responds. A few questions to ask yourself while you are trying to create new connections may be; are they listening to me when I ask them to change or stop the direction of the conversation? Are some old patterns of connection resurfacing and are you both able to recognize them without getting wrapped up in them? Does the other person acknowledge that the old ways of connecting are unhealthy and do they want something different?

These can be difficult areas to explore, but if the answer is yes to these question, then after a little bit of time and practice, maybe you can begin to relax some of these boundaries and feel a little more free and open in the relationship. Maybe allowing a playful gest into the fold without taking it as insult. These interactions will hopefully come more and more naturally to those in a relationship that is mutually respectful. Then you may be able to enjoy each others company without feeling so guarded. Or as though you have to protect yourself and your emotions.

Relaxing Our Judgements

Judgements aren’t all bad. We make judgement calls all the time that effect our day to days regularly. I think where we get hung up on being judgmental is, when we substitute another’s negative judgement of our character as the truth of who we are. This was something that we did on a consistent basis in my family.

One of the ways we tried to control each other was through our constant and cutting judgements of one another. However, this only leads to resentment, which is corrosive to relationship building. So how do we take care of ourselves in the face of other’s critical judgements of us? Well I think it starts with us feeling solid in ourselves and our belonging, while setting aside the harsh judgements we’ve dispensed in the past.

I jumped on the judgement train at first to keep myself safe. I was being judged so often and feeling subsequently so small for it, while simultaneously watching my judgers hold a smug and superior air about them, that I felt the only way to get some power back was through judging others in the ways I was being judged. This, however, did not work as planned.

My judgements lead me to feel judged in my relationships. And in my experience, this type of judgement leads to resentment. But now that I recognize how I was feeling while I was being judged, and why I chose to pick up that tool and use it as a way to keep myself safe, I can now understand and recognize that what was really happening with those who were critically judging me was actually a deep sense of them not feeling belonging in our relationship.

For example, if a family member chose to make fun of me for my weight, say they called me a human garbage disposal as they often would. My caregiver was often made fun of for their weight growing up as well. And it’s then I’m able to see that they were insecure about their weight and how they were treated because of it. In a way, they were trying to shame me into making a positive change, however backward their attempt may have been. So now that I see where they are coming from, it’s easier to be more forgiving of their ridicule. Seeing how it stemmed from them feeling a lack of belonging.

Finding Belonging Through Forgiveness by Giving Up The Ghosts of Our Pasts

And for the most part, that’s what it really comes down to. Finding a sense of belonging. In a strange way, we were just trying to belong to one another. Through all the harsh judgements, the resentment and anger, we just wanted to feel like somebody wanted to be around us. That we were worth being around. And this is why I’m choosing to forgive those who’ve hurt me in the past.

I know that they want to belong just as badly as I want to belong. And nobody is going to feel like they belong if we keep holding our acceptance of one another just out of reach while we’re trying to buy ourselves some time to find a way to feel loved and belonging. And we know that we can’t live up to some of the impossible standards we’ve set for others. The ones we use to pretend that we are better than others because, by virtue of having that standard, we are better than the other just for having it.

Instead, I’m choosing to accept that I’m not perfect and that nobody is. So why hold it over somebody else’s head as prerequisite for belonging? For me, it’s just not worth it. So if you’ve found yourself in a place where you’ve been reliving some of the patterns of your past, know that you have it in you to move past it. Be a new you, forge a new path. As Rumi said, “be melting snow, wash yourself of yourself”. Wash yourself of the bonds holding you to the past and let your past, be in the past. You’ve got your life to live, go and live it. Peace : ) and thanks for reading.

Image Credits: “Forgiveness” by Neshika Bell is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

How to Own a Mistake: Hint, It’s Not Always Easy

In the very recent past, I had a conversation with my supervisor about the direction we are going to take at the agency that I work for. The talk didn’t go very smoothly at first, but we ended up close to on the same page in the end. Though during the conversation, there were a few things that really hit home. Namely, how surprisingly difficult it is for some people to take ownership of a mistake or in this case, a bad situation.

In contrast, my other place of employment is a place where we take ownership of our current situations and actions including our errors. Whenever a mistake is made, the person who’s made the error usually owns up to it almost immediately. This is a refreshing environment, and one I was definitely not raised in.

In the Family I grew up in, much like the environment of the first place I mentioned, though to their credit to a lesser degree, everybody had to be right no matter what the cost. Being wrong or not knowing the answer to something was a sign of “weakness”, according to the family dynamic. So why was it so difficult to just say, “I don’t know”, or “my fault, sorry”? I think it has something to do with how we were treated emotionally by those who were judging us and whether or not we believe we are “worthy” of love and belonging.

Shame, Disgust and Not Feeling Belonging

Growing up around my caregivers was tough. Everybody acted as though they were superior to one another and also as though almost every action, however small, was a personal affront to whomever was in close proximity, me included. This is no hyperbole. We also were in a perpetual state of tearing somebody’s character down verbally. We were mean and not afraid to make it be known.

So when one in our own ranks made a mistake, or erred in some way, rest assured we would jump at the opportunity to make that person feel as small as possible. Contempt was an emotion that flowed freely throughout all of our relationships, leaving us calloused and numb to one another. But it was the only way we could survive. To completely sever our emotions from ourselves so as not to feel the constant sting from the steady stream of cutting remarks. It was brutal.

And this is where the shame came into play. Someone would inevitably make a mistake, or say something that was incorrect, because we are human. Then the other would latch onto that mistake and tear whomever apart for it without reservation. The other would feel shame for the error and then feel excluded from the others who were pointing out their short comings. This is how my family built bonds, by excluding those around them to feel included.

So having a special relationship with someone usually came at the cost of cutting somebody else out. In My family, there was never any way to include people and feel belonging. We had to exclude people to feel special. And we excluded others when they made a mistake, something we could use against them to feel special, superior. As though we know how to be accepted and the other does not. As though we’re perfect. This however is a very lonely place to be.

Being Accepted Meant Not Making Mistakes

And this is why it was so important for the members of our family to never make a mistake, because it meant not belonging. This is why it was so difficult for us to own a mistake, admit we don’t know something or even to say we were sorry. Because if we did, we lost our rank in the family pecking order and on top of that, were abused emotionally and made to feel as though we had no inherent self-worth.

But this way of being only bred loneliness and contempt for each other. Because there were no bonds that held us together that were lasting in anyway. You could be turned on at any moment and cut apart by the person who you were just cutting someone else apart with. There was no loyalty and this way of being breaded contempt for one another.

So on top of feeling as though we never belonged, we also felt that we had to be perfect, in order to avoid the feelings of being severed from those we didn’t trust in the first place, to feel a sense of belonging. This is the definition of a dysfunctional relationship. In this environment, you couldn’t rely on anybody and you were always on your own, trying to find a way to belong while nursing the wounds that we were constantly inflicting on each other.

We were Left With So Much Contempt, But Where Does That Leave Us?

The short answer, lonely. Our family used to be large and gather frequently. We had some good experiences and times spent together. But slowly over the years, these bonds corroded under the blankets of contempt, shame and anger that we were fostering towards one another. We steadily drifted apart from each other and seldom speak now for fear of bring up one of the many old wounds we’ve inflicted to ourselves and each other.

And it’s here that I was left to choose, in what direction do I want to head? If you’ve read my post on “Rebuilding What’s Been Broken“, You’ll know that I’ve been choosing to rebuild those relationships from my past. I’ve come to the realization that it’s not about how we’re seen that’s important, but rather the people we spend our time with.

For me, it’s about building those relationships by cooking dinner together, sitting around the dinning room table and talking about our days. Finding that special someone to take a weekend trip with to go explore a new city or trail. These experiences are what matter most. Building something together, regardless of what’s been torn down in the past. But also recognizing that it’s not always easy.

Rebuilding Our Relationships By Owning Our Mistakes

So how do we get to a place where we can build these lasting and fulfilling relationships? One aspect is by owning our mistakes and apologizing if we’ve done somebody wrong.

Something as small as saying, “my bad” can go a long way to build trust in a relationship. It’s in this way that we’re essentially saying, “I made a mistake, but I’m willing to work towards making it right and healing the wounds I’ve caused.” And it’s a difficult thing to do. To be that vulnerable and say something that has, in the past, maybe severed our belonging. But it’s also in this vulnerability that we can learn to become stronger. As Tara Brach says, “we were wounded in relationship, we heal in relationship.”

Independence and Feeling Whole

Knowing that our belonging doesn’t hinge on one persons opinion of us is an important step to becoming strong enough to be vulnerable with those who have hurt us in the past. The key here is, to find a core group of people who support you and accept you in the healthy and unconditional ways that we may not have been accepted in the past.

For me, I have a few friends and some close family that I know I can rely on to help me out and accept me where I’m at, regardless of what that may look like. For example, I may be feeling lonely and just need someone to recognize that and just be there. Believe it or not, this was something that was seen as a weakness in my past relationships. You may need to shore up some boundaries before finding these new healthy relationships, so you don’t fall into old patterns, but once you’ve found them, they are invaluable in helping to foster a sense of safety and feeling accepted.

And this may seem like a no brainer, but acceptance almost always starts with accepting ourselves and where we’re at. If we can’t accept ourselves for who we are, if we’ve picked up the reigns of those in our pasts in telling us we don’t belong, and have turned that message inward, then no matter how much we do or try to gain another’s approval, we’ll never feel accepted because we haven’t accepted ourselves.

For me, this journey took some time to go through. I wasn’t really even sure what healthy belonging looked like at first, because for so long I was used to feeling pushed to the side. I thought belonging wasn’t worth while unless I needed to work towards it. Turns out, this was a super unhealthy way to view my sense of belonging. So what are some healthy ways of self acceptance? I think that self trust is an important and foundational place to start.

Self-Trust, Self-Care

In my experience, my self-care has gone a long way to show me that I’m able to trust myself. When I take the time to slow down and take care of my needs and find comfort in my day, I’m really telling myself, “I know it’s tough sometimes, but I’m here and taking care of myself when I need the break.” Or as an old coworker of mine used to put it, it’s like you’re saying to yourself, ” I’m here, I care” -Heide.

This is also something that’s built and takes time to build. It’s taken me a few years to really get to know what I need and when to slow down and take breaks, while caring for myself when I need it. This may be something that is especially difficult if you’ve experienced neglect in your past. After all, our model for self care come from our caregivers. And if they’ve neglected us in the past, those are the lessons we’ll most likely take into our futures.

Self-Care Routines

Cooking

It was important for me to incorporate this aspect of self-care into my schedule. This way I can build in some down time during the week when I know I’ll need it most. This usually comes in the form of my self-care dinners that I make for myself once a week. I plan a special dinner that I know I’ll enjoy, take my time cooking it, mostly because I enjoy the process but I also don’t want to feel rushed. Then I make my environment comfortable and inviting by lighting some candles and turning on my essential oil diffuser and put on some relaxing music.

It’s a nice way to unwind and enjoy something that I’m fond of. And the more I do it, the more I’m able to trust that I’m caring for myself and am cementing myself in belonging to myself. Then I can extend that belonging to those closest to me and build stronger relationships from a more whole place.

Other ways I care for myself are by batch cooking my meals for a two week period at a time. I take one day to cook, something I’m used to doing anyway being in the food service industry, then I have an easy reheat for the next two weeks. This frees up a lot of time, especially if you have a busy schedule like I do.

Cleaning

I also enjoy a clean and organized environment. Coming home to a mess, for me, is stressful. So I try to keep my spaces as clean as possible, to feel as relaxed as possible when I’m spending time in them. I usually do this on my days off, cleaning the spaces I use most while my diffuser slowly fills my space with my favorite scent. Then I can relax with a cup of iced herbal peach tea and write or watch something to help me feel more at ease.

Owning Ourselves = Feeling Belonging

And it’s when we own these feelings, the ones that are difficult and it’s usually unique to our individual experiences. Maybe it’s a sense of shame or of inferiority, it’s then that we realize that they are only passing, and not who we really are. We are so much more than the opinions of somebody who is withholding acceptance from us. All we have to do is realize this, accept ourselves and our feelings and trust that we are worthy of belonging. It’s from this place of self-care and acceptance, that we can truly feel belonging. To ourselves and others, but also find others who will accept us as we are, without condition.

And it’s tough, don’t forget. We may slip up along the way. But these are great opportunities to accept that we are not perfect and that it’s okay to be human. So next time you make a mistake, try to see if you can own it. It may be tough at first, but in the end, it’ll definitely help you to feel more confident in who you are. Peace, and thanks for reading : )

Image Credits: “‘You can learn by making mistakes’” by AmberStrocel is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0.

Rebuilding What’s Been Broken: Why I’m Repairing The Broken Bonds From My Past

With any amount of luck, your past will not resemble mine. I’ve left more than a few broken relationships in my wake through the years I’ve been on this planet. But in my defense, I was never taught how to foster and nurture, caring and loving bonds. It just wasn’t in my upbringing.

But regardless of how I got here, they are still my broken relationships and therefore, my responsibility to do what I can to make right what I neglected and abandoned so long ago. In the following, I’ll go over what some of my past experiences were, how I realized I needed a change and what I’m learning about repairing the relationships I’ve neglected. Let’s jump in.

Where To Even Start

I began the work of setting my relationships right a few years ago. I can’t really explain how I got to the place where they had been neglected so badly except, it was how I was taught to treat them. I was left alone in a house, raised by television, until I was old enough to realize that I didn’t have to stay inside anymore. It was then, in my early teens, that I began roaming around the city I grew up in, looking for ways to drink or have a good time, avoiding going home to the neglected and abandonment, in a house that used to feel like a home.

So instead of building lasting friendships and tight bonds with others, I was looking for someone to buy me alcohol so I could avoid the pervasive loneliness I was living with for so long. I think the worst part about it was, I didn’t even realize that that’s what I was doing. It just felt good in the moment, drinking to avoid feeling. But I’m sure most people feel that way when they’re in the middle of making a bad choice. Like eating that extra pastry or skipping this workout just this once. For me it was drinking that extra 4-5 beers or popping a pill.

But what I was really avoiding was, the hard work I needed to put in, in order to get the return I desired, lasting friendships. I was an expert at this. I was drinking to avoid coming home to my emotional world and racked up enough debt to keep me busy paying it off for years. And along the way, I think I neglected all of my relationships almost to the point where I had nobody to rely on. This was a frightening place to be.

Arrogance: The Relationship Destroyer

When I saw the mess I had made of my relationships, that’s when I realized something needed to change. Not to mention how lonely I was feeling. I was lonely because I had been pushing everybody away to protect myself from getting hurt. By them leaving me or tearing me apart as most people had done to me in my past. And one of the ways I isolated was by acting arrogant, better than those around me.

I went into this a little in last weeks post about impossible standards. My caregivers had held me to such a high standard, that there was no way that I would ever meet it. So instead of admitting that I wasn’t “good enough” for my caregivers by failing to meet their standards, I chose to adopt the same method of keeping people at a distance as was being done to me. By acting as though nothing were good enough to meet my standards.

I hadn’t realized that my caregivers were acting from the same hurt place of feeling insecure as I was, or that I had learned how to disconnect from others through them. I only knew that I felt like I wasn’t enough to be loved. So I was scared of other people “realizing” the same thing I had felt and endured, not realizing it wasn’t my fault. We were all too arrogant to let our guard down for long enough to realize that, we all wanted the same thing. To be loved and accepted by one another.

And this is how I neglected just about every relationship I had. Too afraid to connect, too scared to be alone. These were confusing times filled with anxiety and a pervasive loneliness. But things changed for me when I thought I fell in love with a woman. Something changed in me that woke me and suddenly made me realized that the ways in which I was living were truly unsustainable.

What Really Matters

It was in this life changing relationship that I truly felt heard and seen for the first time since I was abandoned in my childhood. This is when I came to understand that what really matters isn’t how somebody else sees you, or what they think about you, but instead it is about the quality of the connections you have with these people.

Most of my connections with others were based on how I wanted them to see me. Which was really whatever they wanted me to be, so I could feel liked, accepted and approved of by them. It was all a game on the most superficial of levels. I thought that if I looked or acted a certain way, the way that I saw those I was seeking attention from act, that I would then be loved and accepted those I was acting like.

But what I didn’t realize was, that they were just acting the part also. Not really knowing what to do to feel belonging. So they did what they saw others do that gained them acceptance. It seems so silly thinking about it now, because it’s something a simple, direct and honest conversation would have resolved. But we were so insecure in our belonging that we were scared to death to even broach the topic.

Instead we just did the dance of trying to follow whatever trend was popular in hopes that someone would accept us for our rendition of it. When I thought I was in love, I thought I was feeling the recognition of being seen for who I was, not the person who was hustling for others approval that I was putting on, and feeling accepted for the authentic person I thought they saw in me. But they really fell in love with the version of me that I was acting as, not who I was.

The relationship ended in a way fitting to how it began. But it made me think about how I had built my relationships in the past and how I wanted to build them going forward into the future. I’ve come to the understanding that, our connections to one another, in authentic and intimate ways, are really what matters most.

But I also understood that, you don’t write people off. I recognized the changes I went through, how difficult they (the changes) were to initiate and endure as they were happening and the resiliency I cultivated in the process. And if I could do it, than others could do it too. This is what made me reach out to the people that had once populated my past self’s life and ask for a fresh start.

Authenticity

What I’ve come to understand about what being authentic means to me is, that I never really wanted to be mean or arrogant in the first place. All the ways I was acting to find approval from those I sought to feel belonging with, wasn’t really who I was. I wasn’t mean, nor did I want to be mean. I wasn’t better than others and acting that way was exhausting and lead to me feeling isolated and judged by others.

These were the barriers I needed break down in order to be in authentic relationships with people, hoping that the bridges I burned along the way weren’t so damaged that I couldn’t repair them.

I started by reaching out to those who I used to be good friends with in the past. This was surprisingly fruitful, as I heard from some people I hadn’t talked to for at least a decade or two. This is where being friends with most of the people I knew from my past on Facebook came in handy. All I had to do was send a message and see if they would reply.

And I began talking to quite a few people this way. But this time, instead of complaining about somebody or something, finding comradery in misery the ways I used to do, I asked them questions about what was happening in their lives and explored common interests we shared. Which, not surprisingly, we had quite a few. This is when I realized that we were friends for a reason. Our shared interests were the foundation of our relationship and why we were able to stand the test of time. This realization felt good : )

We were now exploring who we were in ways that made us feel more connected and a better representation of who we were as people. Sure, we would still commiserate from time to time, about the difficult things in life. But we were no longer basing all of our interactions in this mind frame. Life was more than the difficult experiences we had to endure. It helped that we were also grown adults now, instead of self absorbed teenagers too : ) And this level of authenticity lead to another dimension of feeling belonging. And that i of building intimacy.

Intimacy

When I talk about intimacy, I’m talking about the feeling of being close with another, and not only in a sexual way. Sure, there is that facet of knowing somebody, but it isn’t the ONLY expression of feeling soothed by another’s presence.

This was however, not the message I was sent as a child growing up. The physical act of making love was what was most valued in my environment. Especially when it was connected to how somebody looked physically. This left us all feeling like we didn’t quite belong because it all hinged on the condition of us being attractive. As Melba would say, no bueno.

So when I started rebuilding the relationships from my past over again, I was now focused on our shared interests and how we could turn those into shared experiences. For instance, my stepsister loves to hike. I love to hike. So I’ve recently connected with her and made plans to hit the trails together.

This not only gives us the chance to experience something we both love together, but it will also give me the opportunity to apologize for not being the bigger brother I could have been, had known then what I know now. And hopefully, we’ll start something new. This reminds me of a line from a Peter, Bjorn and John song, “Object of My Affection” that goes, “just because something starts differently, doesn’t mean it’s worth less.”

And that’s just it, the chance to start something new. It doesn’t mean that it’ll be perfect, or that the pain from the past will magically go away, but we have the chance to make something stronger. And hopefully in the process, be happier for it.

Why We Should Even Bother

And this is really what it comes down to. We change and build healthy relationships so we can have a better quality of life. o we can be in a more positive disposition more often. We’ll create better memories that we can revisit down the road together. In short, fuller, happier lives.

So if you’ve been neglecting the relationships from your past, or just feel as though you want a fresh start, a chance to rebuild your relationships for the better, there’s no time like the present. Get out there and reconnect. Be honest with yourself and those you want to connect with and you’ll build intimacy from authenticity. And these are the relationships worth building. Peace, and thanks for reading : )

Image Credits: “True Lies” by Jack Parrott is marked with CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Superiority Complex: When You Think You’re The Greatest, Kinda

This is something I know well. I’m not sure how long this post is going to be, but I’m just going to shoot from the hip on this one. I’ll explain my experience growing up, how I was raised and how I took those lessons from my early childhood care-givers and completely isolated myself from all those that tried to get close to me because I was acting as though I was better than just about everybody who came into my life. It’s a lonely story, but one that needs to be told incase others are stumbling down the same path I had.

If you are, know that it’s not to late to change things for the better. And I’ve also learned that people can be pretty forgiving. So no matter where you are on your journey, don’t lose heart! It gets better once you realize you need to shift your perspective.

When Your Way To Feel Belonging Is Through Exclusion

I grew up around a lot of big personalities. My family was loud, opinionated and rancorous at times. I don’t remember a lot of the details from my early childhood, but the main impression I got was, there were a lot of us and we had a good time.

Though, this changed abruptly with the death of a family member, we were all still pretty vocal about our opinions of others. It seemed that no matter who was being scrutinized, there was always fault to be found with the other person. The old adage, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”, was not observed in my family’s moral or value repertoire.

And this was our main mode of feeling a sense of belonging with one another, by tearing another down. This makes me a little sad to think about it now. I don’t remember any one of my care-givers ever complimenting somebody else in the family. Not even once. I think I may have received a compliment, about my appearance. But even that’s vague and I’m not entirely sure it actually happened the way I remember it. Ah, I remember! One of my care-givers told me I had nice calves and I think it was the only compliment I ever received. This is actually a little mind blowing now that I’m writing it down.

Dangling the Carrot

The one thing my family excelled in was withholding love and affection from one another while hinting or suggesting that they could love you, if only you were different in some way. Usually to fit their mold or idea of how you should be. It seemed that everybody had an image of what the perfect life should look like and if you didn’t fit, you were tossed to the side like a piece of garbage.

This may seem like a harsh assessment, but as I’ve said above, there wasn’t any positive reinforcement or any caring and understanding persons available. You either did what was expected of you and were granted permission to ridicule others together, or you were ostracized for not belonging, being ridiculed yourself. It was a polarizing and very sad place to be caught in the middle of.

So I did what was expected of me. I followed suit and made fun of others, acted superior to just about everybody and joined in on the consistent stream of ridicule that we were laying on one another. It was either that or be completely shunned for daring to be different. These were the building blocks of how I continued to manage my relationships outside of my family. This did not bode well for me in latter years.

When You Realize You Haven’t Made the Best Decisions

Again, this way of living did not leave me in a good place. I had very little emotional support, few friends and my family was almost nonexistent. I had found myself in unhealthy relationships, and living in a pretty consistent state of fear. This was something I hadn’t really come to understand until somewhat recently.

What I realized, after thinking about the type of romantic relationship I wanted for myself was, that I am deathly afraid of all the women in my life. The women in my family were so mean, so cutting, with their words and actions, that I constantly felt on edge around them. As well as feeling this way around people that remind me of them also.

My female family members were people I was trained to see as loving individuals, only to feel that they were abusive in the most subtle of ways. And they knew no restraint in their ire which made it all the worse. As an example of the types of comments they were capable of, one of my family members had told me that another of my family members would kill themselves if I was a certain way. I couldn’t have been more than fourteen at the time, but that remark to this day still shakes me a little.

There was a callous disregard for the emotions of others in all of our interactions, which was something I picked up and used as a survival tactic to protect myself. I was also so numb from the constant woundings, that it was difficult to feel anything at all. Also this is one of the main reasons I had such trouble building meaningful and lasting relationships with anybody. I just couldn’t bring myself to be open to another after being so thoroughly abused verbally. The idea of showing my vulnerabilities to someone who could do so much damage to me, one of the cornerstone of building intimate relationships, seemed crazy to me.

So, I avoided being in relationship with others. I acted larger than life on the outside to hide the fear of being hurt again by those I loved most. I also distanced myself from just about everybody in my life, further and further until I had only a few supports who stuck with me even though I was actively trying to push them away. I would like to again extend my gratitude to those who did stick by my side. You mean the world to me. Thank you <3.

Making Better Decisions: Hey, You Can Only Go Up From the Bottom

I hadn’t really realized how isolated I was until I decided to break off my relationship with my now ex-wife. Almost all the relationships I had were through her, and the ones I kept were based on activities such as drinking or avoiding responsibilities. So when I finally took the reigns of my life back from the void I created by pushing everybody away, I found that there was a lot of work that needed to be done.

I started by making a list of those who decided to stay in my life. The title of this list is, “stay connected”. And that’s jut what it’s for. One of the things I realized on how I had managed my relationships in the past was, that I did not pay attention to those closest to me and what was happening in their lives.

If listening to others and remembering what they say sounds like a no-brainer, you’re right. But I was never shown how to foster a friendship. Never taught that people had feelings that could be delicate at times and that the ways to nurture and grow a relationship was to water it with love by showing the other attention and a willingness to be there for them and care about what they’re going through. Another cornerstone of friendships. We were too busy cutting each other apart, searching for vulnerabilities to capitalize on to concern ourselves with caring about the other and their feelings or experiences.

Hurt People Hurt People

It’s also important to recognize that the people who hurt me by acting in the ways they did, aren’t monsters. I may be painting a pretty bleak picture with the types of things said and done, but they were only doing what they felt they had to in order to feel safe. I recognize this now as their insecurity or feeling they needed to control another to feel safety and belonging. Which makes it not personal in a way. It wasn’t about me, it was about them surviving.

I was in their shoes, I know how lonely and fearful they felt. I did the same things when I was in their shoes. But there are other ways of being and it’s important to know, that understanding why someone did something isn’t the same as condoning it.

So if the old saying is true, “hurt people hurt people”, than the opposite must be true too. Loving people then love people. And this is how I’m trying to change to reflect my new way of moving through the world.

Instead of focusing on all the ways I’ve been hurt by those who should have been there to support me, I’m now focusing on first, taking good care of myself, and second, extending care to others. This is no easy task if it’s something you’re not used to doing. I had to swallow a lot of pride first in order to be able to reach out to some people who had wronged me in the past.

But it’s worth it. knowing that I’m trying to be stronger. Building resilience to the pains endured in the past makes me more able to weather the emotions that are more difficult to feel.

I Know I Need to Open Up, But How?

I know… This is, as Melba would say, “no easy”. But necessary if you want to have meaningful relationships and friendships. A lot of it comes down to blind faith. Trusting that the other, whomever they are, won’t tear you down. It’s also worth mentioning that there are no completely safe relationships.

We are going to get hurt from time to time if we are in relationship. That’s inevitable. But the types of hurt aren’t usually that bad. And if they are shaping up to look more like abuse, then maybe it’s time to revisit your boundaries in the relationship. But there is a certain amount of collateral damage that comes with being connected. Luckily, the benefits far outweigh the detriments or the other option, being completely isolating yourself to avoid pain.

If you’ve been cut deeply by others, it’s best to start slow. Find a few people, one or two people who you can trust enough to start building your new friendships, even if they’re old friends with a new beginning. Find out what your personal values are, i.e. humility, honesty, kindness, caring, and find ways to practice them in your relationships with these new friends. This may look as simple as going for a walk with them, or saying things that are supportive, practicing and establishing your values. This will build trust.

And the more you practice these values, the stronger they will become. Your friendships will be held in the foundation of these values the more you practice them. This is how trust is built. It’s worth mentioning that this is a slow process, and it’s best not to rush into these relationships bearing the full extent of your vulnerabilities.

We all know people who over-share in inappropriate ways. Aka level jumping in friendships. It’s best to get a feel for how the relationship is going first. What is the other person sharing? Is it mostly small talk? Or are they giving you a peek at their inner worlds? Depending on what they are sharing, maybe you adjust to their level of intimacy. And if you feel like going a little deeper, push the boundaries a little and see how they react, but start small. If they are sharing about their S.O., share a similar story about your S.O. and build from there. See where it takes you. Pretty soon you’ll be old friends swapping stories and creating memories while staying true to your shared, established values.

Don’t Worry, It Gets Easier

And don’t forget, this is not easy work. It takes a lot of strength and will power to start off on this road. But if you’ve found that you have acted superior to others as a form of isolating yourself to cover over feelings of insecurity as I had, just know that it gets easier with practice. The more I engage with people in honest ways, the more I show care to those closest and the more I suck up my pride when I feel like I’ve been slighted and focus on what really matters, the easier it gets.

So make a list of the people you want to surround yourself with. The people you want to build your life together with. Then make it a point, a priority to get involved with what they’re up to. Keep a running list, as I do, of what they’re going through so you can be a better friend to them. Whatever it takes, get involved (thanks Jordan.) And don’t forget to show a little humility as well. I practice this when somebody says I’m great in some way by saying, “no, we’re great”. Better together : ) Peace and thanks for reading.

Image Credits:”Quillan – Smug” by Lil Shepherd is marked with CC BY 2.0.

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