Sexual Boundaries: What Happens When There’s No One To Give You Guidance

This is a tricky topic to navigate. There are a lot of people with very strong beliefs on what is right/wrong and there are even more people unwilling to talk about the topic at all. Neither, from my experience, are very helpful when it comes to figuring out what are healthy boundaries to maintain. I’m not an expert on the topic, but I have been around some pretty unhealthy environments pertaining to sexuality.

I’d like to talk about some of my experiences and what I’ve learned from them while trying to sort through these situations and my emotions surrounding them. It isn’t easy, and it is definitely strange at times, but it doesn’t have to be a source of anxiety. In fact, sex is something that can be fun, and if handled with respect, something that adds to our quality of life.

Unhealthy Lessons From The Past

In the environment I was raised in, there were very few boundaries around sex. However the one boundary we did keep was, that no one should ever talk about it. This was confusing to sort out as a child. Especially when the number one message being sent to me was, your self worth is mostly determined by how attractive you look. And being attractive was directly correlated to sex appeal in this environment and under these rules I was raised under.

There were a mind blowing amount of critical judgements being made about our appearances as well. It seemed to be the only thing that had any value. But what was even more confusing was, being surrounded by sex, via the act itself, pornography, sexual devices and contraceptives, and without any explanation as to the role these things have in our lives.

I was just left to figure it out on my own, with ample unspoken and unhealthy messages to guide me. And it took me a long time to begin to understand how these messages would manifest in my life through my actions, and what healthier versions of these lessons are. The following are just a few areas that manifested in my life where I was left to fend for myself when trying to make sense of this new sexuality I was coming to understand.

Pornography

This was something that had entered my life at a very early age. It was also something that I was surrounded by and that was endorsed by my caregivers from the start. For whatever reason, people back in the eighties and nineties had huge collections of pornography laying around their houses. I remember vividly that it was a staple in one of my caregivers bathrooms as a child.

The first, and one of the only times my caregivers ever spoke about the subject, was to tell me not to make the pages stick together. I couldn’t have been more than 8 at the time and I had no idea what they were talking about. I was just excited about this new discovery. But what young boy wouldn’t be?

From then on, there was a pretty consistent stream of being surrounded by pornography in one shape or form. As I’ve said above, there were large collections of all sorts. From devices and magazines, computer files full of paraphernalia… The list goes on. And since nobody was talking about this massively unhealthy relationship we all had developed to sex, I was left to navigate this terrane all my own with exception of the examples I had modeled for me.

I remember vividly, one of my caregivers, upon me walking downstairs in the mornings, covering himself with his robe with a guilty expedience in front of the computer and then turning it off. Not to mention the giant collections of digital and physical pornography they had. This happened for years. The poor role modeling and everybody being too embarrassed to talk about it left me wondering, “what am I doing wrong?” Not realizing how unhealthy the environment I was in, was.

So when I was old enough and on my own, I was mildly surprised to find out that I had picked up right where my caregivers had left off. I was embodying the ways in which my caregivers were living, mostly because I was looking for someone to tell me why I didn’t feel as though I was loved and belonged even though I was doing the same things they were.

Love & Sex Are Not The Same

The more I thought about it, the more this made sense to me. If the only thing that ever really mattered to my caregivers was looking attractive, and the only things I knew about their emotional lives were from the large caches of riske materials they had squirreled away, than the way to feel loved and belonging, according to this dynamic anyways, was to be obsessed with pleasure seeking behaviors. So that’s what I did until something inside of me changed.

I hadn’t realized that love and sex weren’t the same thing. From my previous lessons, I thought the more attractive you were, the more loved you would be. At the time, and for a long period of my life, my role model was Brad Pitt’s character from Fight Club. I wanted to look like he looked, act like he acted and pretty much, be him. I thought that this was the way to be accepted and loved. Looking good naked was what I thought the foundation of a “healthy” relationship was built on because it was the measure against which I was judged.

When Things Change

But this all changed for me one day when I found someone who I felt accepted me as I was, and where I truly felt a sense of belonging. Not because I looked good naked, not because I met some unreasonable standard, but for simply being me.

This was earth shattering. I had no idea what to do with these new emotions I was experiencing. I was scared of feeling accepted because every sense of belonging I had in the past was hinged on me fitting a certain criteria. But I also wanted to cling on to this newly found sense of unconditional acceptance for fear that I would never experience something like it again.

My newly found sense of belonging was the catalyst for what drove me and my now ex-wife apart. When I told her what was happening with me, the weight of her feeling betrayed was too much for the relationship to bear as it was. I can understand where she was coming from because we both had similar outlooks on acceptance at the time. But the change that was taking place in me hadn’t fully actualized yet. I was willing to work through what I was experiencing but unfortunately, she wasn’t willing to do the same.

Left on My Own Again

After I attempted to communicate what was happening with me, and falling short of feeling understood, I was left on my own again. I jumped into a relationship almost immediately with a person who was more of a match with the former ways I had been living, but not for the new ways of being I was cultivating. So this relationship ended, but it was for the best.

I was still coming to understand the relationships I had with my emotional self and how I was cultivating a sense of belonging to and with the other people in my life. Only this time I was learning to leave behind the old lessons from my past.

Wanting to be Fit, Not Look Good Naked

This was a huge stumbling block for me. As I’ve said, so much emphasis was placed on how good I looked by my caregivers that I thought as though looking sexually attractive was the only way to feel loved and belonging. So I became vegan because I read that eating a plant based diet would help me maintain a low body fat percentage.

It took a long time for me to even admit that that was why I had made such a drastic change in my life style. I was telling myself I was doing it for the animals mostly. But when it came down to it, the messages from my past were too strong for me to just let go and be free and clear.

Now I have a different outlook on my eating habits. I eat vegetarian when I’m out due to it being difficult to eat vegan most places, but cook mostly vegan for myself. I’m doing it for a combination of reasons that I feel is more honest to me. The reasons now are: for the environment, for my health and for animal well-fair.

The environment is in dire need of our love and attention, and the less we support big agriculture, the better off our planet will be. This article from the BBC explains that a 5th of the worlds total carbon emissions are created by the meat and dairy industry. That’s a big piece of our planet’s health.

And my health is just as important as the planets health, as is all individuals. Before I made the change in my diet, I weight 240lbs and was drinking more than half of my daily calories. I now weigh about 180lbs and feel much better overall. I have more stamina and am able to exercise with greater ease leaving me feeling healthier. It also helps that I quit smoking cigarettes in my mid-twenties and drinking large amounts of alcohol in my early thirties.

And finally, yes I am concerned about the well-being of the animals on this planet. I have a hard time stepping on insects, let alone knowing that animals are literally being slaughtered for my meals. But also knowing that not eating meat and dairy naturally leads to lower levels of unhealthy fats and cholesterol, as well as being healthier for the planets carbon emissions is reason enough for me to make the change from wanting to look good naked to being a part of the solution to the health problems of our selves and our planet.

Stronger Alone Means Stronger Together

And all this work that I’m doing for myself is something that ultimately will make me a stronger person. I’m learning to accept myself where I am, so I can make changes towards a healthier, stronger version of myself. Because when my belonging hinged on how attractive somebody else found me to be, I was putting all of my self worth in the hands of the beholder. This is why I felt as though I had no agency in my life, and didn’t feel a sense of belonging. Because my worth was not something I had a say in.

Instead, I had to find a person that found me sexually attractive, then do whatever it was that they wanted of me in order to hope to feel a sense of being loved and feeling belonging. This, as Melba would say, was no bueno.

Now that I’m feeling and looking healthier, and for healthier reasons than to get laid or to feel loved, I’m stronger for it. And it’s the practice of this mindset that is helping me to stay grounded in what matters most. And that is to feel strong in my self-worth by taking the best care I’m able, of myself, to lead the healthiest and happiest version of myself. Aka, living my best life.

And it’s once I’ve learned to live from this place of intrinsic self-worth, that I’ll be able to be in a healthy relationship with another. As my boss likes to say, “I need to be a better one before I can be a two”. It’s also helpful to remember that it’s a practice and that it isn’t always going to be an easy one.

There are definitely times where I just don’t feel strong enough to carry the load I have. But it’s in these times that we need to be gentle with ourselves. I know from my experience that my self worth was attached to somebody else’s perception of me for so long, that I forgot I even had a say in how I felt about myself. But once I started practicing the self-care and giving myself the love I needed, it became easier and easier to feel into these states and the load was easier to carry. But I had to ease my way in, little by little.

As I’ve said above, it isn’t always easy sorting out how we feel about ourselves from how others project onto us their expectations. But with some practice, we can begin to sort out what is ours, from what is expected of us. And along the way we may even pick up the tools to find those who will accept us for who we are, instead of who they want us to be. So don’t give up! You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for 🙂 Peace, and thanks for reading 🙂

Image Credits: “Melissa Adret, Model” by Melissa A. N. (Model) is licensed under CC BY 2.0.Copy text

How Your Relationships to Your Parents Shapes Your Idea of Love

This is kind of a big topic. I don’t think I’ll be able to give it the care it needs in about two thousand words, but I’ll go over some of the basics and my thoughts on the subject. I had a life’s time worth of feeling unwanted and unloved in my relationships with my caregivers. And I know I’m not alone in my experiences. I’ll go over some of the ways my need for love was neglected, how it mirrored the relationships I found myself in later in life and what I’m doing now to help reverse some of the feelings of unworthiness around feeling and being loved.

Like I said, it’s a big topic. But hopefully some will recognize the patterns I’ve experienced in my relationships and not feel so alone. Then we can begin to change. Let’s do some growing together : )

I Love you, Or do I

When I was a child, both of my parents were somewhat affectionate. I’ve said before on this blog that my childhood, up until I was eight, wasn’t all that bad. But things changed abruptly when a family member lost a battle with cancer and our family fell apart. Though their death only hastened the inevitable. Our family had been on the decline for a while. And when our relationships to each other were put to the test with the death of one of our most independent members, we failed.

We were inconsiderate of one another’s emotional states and needs. We didn’t know how to communicate openly and honestly with one another about how we were feeling. And we were guarded against the next cutting remark one of us would inevitably make. Angry outbursts in the forms of yelling and breaking things were the norm and sex appeal and being attractive were prerequisites for approval and feeling loved.

We were so oblivious to each other, that one of my caregivers slammed my thumb in a car door as I was getting out of the car and walked away from me while I was screaming to her for help. I was only four at the time, but these emotionless displays were the norm for our family.

What does Love Mean?

So when we told each other that we loved one another on a semi-frequently bases, what was the message we were supposed to glean from our displays of affection? This was confusing to say the least. Sure, families have disagreements and I’m not trying to say that we can’t get upset with, or be irritated or even angry with one another.

But the underlying current of most of the interactions in our relationships were based in passive aggressive judgements with cruel intentions. This was a cold and fearful environment to grow up in. And one that’s taken decades to wake from the trance of. And not to mention all the unhealthy, unspoken messages I was being sent. The main one being, “I’m saying I love you because I’m supposed to. That’s my job. But I’m truly and really disappointed in who you are as a person and I’ll let you know every chance I get.”

As a child, I had no idea what to do with this reality I was in. I was desperately seeking the approval of my caregivers, only to be thwarted at every turn, every attempt. The slightest comment was taken as prime directive to execute, in order to feel a part of the family. To feel wanted.

Desperately Wanting to Fit in

I once made fun of a Doors song that was playing on the radio during a trip to our local shopping mall because I wanted to gain the favor of my caregivers. By making fun of my other caregiver’s musical taste. They liked music from the 50s and was divorced from the caregiver I was currently with. And The Doors sounded like something my caregiver would have liked. So I made fun of them hoping to feel belonging at someone else’s expense. All for the sake of feeling connection in my relationships with my caregiver. I would have done the same to if the other caregiver were present. I just wanted to fit in.

This was when I was scolded for not knowing who The Doors were. So in reaction, I studied Jim Morrison in an attempt to be more like him, and hopefully more accepted in my relationships with my caregivers. All this at the mere suggestion that Jim was more liked in my family than I was (also my caregivers were living like he was to a lesser degree). This did not bode well for my future life choices and relationships. But there was so much contempt flowing so freely in my family, that the seeds of love didn’t stand a chance to take root.

Choosing Relationships When You Don’t Know How to be Loved

So it was no surprise that later on in my life, when it came time to choose a partner, I chose women who would always keep love at a distance from me. I did this because it was what was modeled for me in the relationships of my past. But also because giving and receiving love freely was something that was scary to me. I should also mention that I was also keeping love from my partners. Mostly because I didn’t know how to give them love.

I had feelings of fear. Getting hurt again by those whom I would let in. But I also felt a sense that I was playing with fire. If I didn’t know how to handle letting in love, I would most definitely get burned. By letting in too much, too soon, without knowing how to take care of myself. Or how to rely on my resources to keep me safe, when the risk of loving got to be too much. Or to even know what my resources were. This is a vulnerable place to be.

And being vulnerable while sitting with that discomfort was not something I was willing to do. Nor were any of us were willing to do this. My family or my partners. We couldn’t admit that we had been hurt by one another, and made it a point to act as though none of what we were doing had hurt us so much. Even though our actions and comments were tearing us apart on the inside, and from one another. This is what I imagine is meant by the line in the Duran Duran song, “Ordinary World”, “pride will tear us both apart”. That’s exactly what it had done to us. These were the rules our family had adopted.

Fear of Love & Connection

Not only that, but we were constantly unsure of ourselves. Where we stood with one another. How we were held in each other’s regard. The uncertainty of whether or not we would be rejected again brought with it a fear as well. It also eroded our attempts at communication. For me, there was a strange side-effect of being scared to connect. And it was of always having to be right.

When I was being ruled by the fear of being connected, I felt as though I always needed to be right. In order to avoid any uncertainty or ambiguity. If I was certain all the time, especially of others emotional states and intentions, that wouldn’t leave any room to be in the suspense of unknowing. Uncertainty was also something that made me feel unsafe.

So I was vocal about my opinions, and projected my observations of how others were onto the other. It was an unhealthy way of dealing with the turmoil of my emotional world which I was avoiding. But it was what I knew. All I had modeled for me at the time. I just didn’t know any better. Nor did the people I was with.

So we perpetuated a cycle of; feeling hurt, projecting that hurt onto one another and were hurt again in the process. And these were the types of relationships I sought out. Mostly because they were “safe”, in that they wouldn’t push me to take a look at my fear that was lying underneath my pride and my judgements of others. Once I broke from that cycle, things got a lot stranger before they got better.

Breaking From the Cycles of Fear, Pride & Judgement in Relationships

Breaking that cycle was some of the most difficult work I’ve ever had to do. And I didn’t even realize I was doing the work until I felt I was in over my head. The first thing I needed to do was stop running from all of my relationships. Because relationships were where I would learn the most, about how to connect in healthy ways.

I wasn’t able to stay locked in my room, by myself, hoping to become a healthier version of myself. There’s only so much work we can do on our own before we need to practice what we’re learning with others. The old adage, “start and accept where you are at”, is something that was true for me. I was running from others for so long that I didn’t have time to stop and see where I had gotten myself. It was a lonely place, when I realized I had alienated myself from almost everybody I knew and loved.

I hadn’t realize the gap I had left in people’s lives when I left, or that I mattered to those close in to me. Or to anybody for that matter! I was so used to looking at myself through the lens of neglect, and how I had been treated growing up, that I didn’t think that I mattered all that much. But this was not the case. I had hurt a lot of people by leaving them. And by leaving myself in the ways I did. Accepting my hurt and how I hurt others, but then trying to reconcile with those I hurt, was what helped me to learn some much needed humility.

Practicing Humility in Relationship

Because in a way, feeling as though you don’t matter is arrogant. Not realizing that you have an affect on others is another version of being self-absorbed. But this isn’t as bad as it sounds. The intention, for me anyways, wasn’t to be arrogant, mean or dismissive. In a backwards way, I was being humble. I didn’t think I mattered, so I assumed nobody else was thinking about me. The intention wasn’t malicious, but the effects of how I was behaving were hurtful. And especially towards how I was treating myself.

So, I began taking care of myself and my needs better. I started listening to myself again. Instead of doing what I thought I should, because I thought I was being judged by others. This was what I had been doing when I was trying to emulate Jim Morrison. Now I am listening inwardly. To what I want. What makes me comfortable and happy. What brings me joy.

“Find What Feels Good”- Yoga with Adriene

Yoga

When I started doing yoga, is also when I started listening inwardly. My yoga journey began with my sister years ago. Only I was hung-over the first and only time I went to yoga in my twenties. We practiced in front of the beaming sun filled window to boot. It was not the experience it has turned into for me now. I started yoga again in my mid-thirties and took to it almost immediately. I practiced at the YMCA first, then later at miscellaneous studios, as well as on my own. This is when I found Yoga With Adriene.

Doing yoga with her videos helped me to reframe my relationship to and with my body. I hadn’t really given much thought to how I treated my physical self before. But it wasn’t healthy relationship, that’s for sure. I was eating whatever I felt like, whenever I felt like it. Drinking close to my daily caloric calories for the day in alcohol while leading a very sedentary lifestyle. Which mostly consisted of me playing video games among various other addictions.

Adriene had such a positive attitude while encouraging her audience to, “find what feels good”. This mean by practicing some self-care through exercise. Something that I found enjoyable, to flow through the asanas. Much the ways I had enjoyed it when I was practicing at the YMCA. With the dim lights and LED candles, it felt like an intimate experience. Sort of the way I feel when I listen to D’Angelo, only less sexy : )

Cooking

Cooking was another way for me to “find what feels good”, and has opened me up to a greater quality of connections. Thanks mainly to the Minimalist Baker, I learned how to nourish myself with healthy foods, instead of eating and drinking whatever I felt like. It also helped me to connect with some estranged family members as well. By making my self-care Sunday meals, which later turned into my Friday night family meals, I managed to bridge the gap from learning how to care for myself, to extending that care to others. Win win. I’m also incidentally in the best shape of my life.

So if you’ve found yourself in a similar place to the one I’ve described, do not lose hope. You are not alone. The path isn’t always easy, but finding help from others, accepting where you are and practicing a little self-care will go a long way to bringing some comfort into your life. Finding role-models like Adriene and Dana, especially when you’ve had little to no guidance along the way has been a huge resources for me. I have a photo of both Adriene from Yoga with Adriene, and Dana Schultz from Minimalist Baker on my phone for inspiration and guidance. And speaking of resources, head on over to my Community Page for more inspiration.

I hope this has been helpful for those looking for a little bit of guidance. Thanks for reading, and remember, you’re not alone. Peace : )

Image Credits: “A green heart for you !! have a sweet and nice weekend.” by Matthew Fang is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Updated: 11/23/22

Self Absorbed, or Hyper-Focused on Others: When we Can’t Stop Worrying About How Others See Us

Image. It’s something all of us are worried about to some degree. How we’re seen by those closest to us. Friends, family and co-workers too. What do they think of us? Are we the type of person they want us to be? What do they say about us when we’re not around? These may be some of the thoughts that go through our minds when we’re feeling a little self conscious. And if we’ve experienced love that was conditional, at the hands of our caregivers, then this turns an already bad situation, worse.

Image as a Learned Trait

As I’ve explained in my, “search for a blog“, my family was hyper focused on image. My parents never felt as though they were adding up, so the odds that I could get from my parents what they themselves felt as though they lacked was unlikely. What I got instead was what felt like a constant stream of criticism and judgements.

This, I’ve come to realize, is most likely how my parents felt. Feeling critically judged by others. But while I was growing up, looking for the love and acceptance of my caregivers and not finding it, it was difficult to understand that it wasn’t my fault in some way. That they were the ones transferring their feelings of deficiency onto me. And when you’re constantly being criticized as a child, especially by caregivers, you just assume that there is something wrong with you. Otherwise why would the adults, the people who are in charge, be so disappointed in you so consistently.

Internalizing Our Image of the Critical Eye

As I grew up, I found myself more and more internalizing my caregivers critical eye towards myself and others. I was constantly judging myself to see if I added up against the image I cobbled together from my caregivers past critical judgements. A mosaic of unreasonable standards I surmised from my caretakers. And they were unreasonable. I remember speaking to my GP about the anxiety I was living with one year. Only I described it as, “a weakness in myself I just couldn’t live with anymore”.

I cringe a little now, thinking of the standards I used to live under. But that was what I felt I needed to live up to in order to feel accepted and loved. To survive. And I was so focused on what others thought and felt about me, that I hadn’t even realized that I was focusing on myself. I was so focused on the thoughts and actions of others, that I had stopped seeing myself as a person reacting to a situation. But rather I was a reaction to others responses. I couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

Living From a Place of Fear

This is at the heart of fear based thinking for me. My fear based thinking was fueled by years of critical judgements about my image. Though I feel we all experience this to some degree. and it stems from our feeling a lack of love and belonging from those closest to us. In my case, by being constantly judged by my caregivers.

This fear is also something that can be preyed on by those looking to capitalize on it. This is the trap my family fell into when they began to confuse image and acting a certain way with being loved and valued.. Essentially, we’ve been handing down this cursed family heirloom of critical self judgement. From one generation to the next.

Accepting Our Whole Selves Not Just the Projected Image

So how do we make the change from critical judger to a sense of self acceptances? How do we shed the impossible standards we were raised to strive for? For me it began when I started attuning to my own needs. As I wrote in Attunement and Self-Care, knowing how I’m feeling and then responding to those feelings with what would make me feel most at ease, instead of being focused on how I expected others wanted me to behave was what helped me to understand what my values are. And not what I was told they should be.

For example, I workout regularly and eat healthfully. But when I was feeling tired and sluggish, I knew something needed to change. So I investigated my feelings and listened to my body and came to the conclusion that three days a week were too many to sustainably workout. Also that my skipping breakfast and sometimes lunch, and the scraps of food I was eating at work, weren’t enough. Even though I was having a healthy and substantial dinner.

After investigating how I felt, I put a plan into action. A plan where I reduced my workouts to two days a week and cooked and prepared breakfast and lunch for myself to bring to work. And it’s these small changes I made, after listening and attuning to myself, that I began to build trust and an open dialogue with myself. Also where I stopped looking outside of myself for validation.

Unlearning Past Unhealthy Lessons

That being said, I had a life’s time worth of negative reinforcements that were pushing me in an unhealthy direction. So it may be a bit tricky knowing what needs our attention and what are the unhealthy messages that have been left playing in our minds. A phrase I repeat to myself often that helps is, “don’t believe everything you think”.

For me, it was helpful to know what I felt like when I was fearful. I feel my fear in the lower half of my body, and it’s accompanied by a low lying sense of panic. So when thoughts pop in my mind that I know are remnants of old messages, they are usually followed by a sense of fear. As though I want to latch onto whomever will offer me a felt sense of safety.

And it’s sometimes difficult to pull feelings apart, to know how we’re actually feeling. Especially if our feelings have been manipulated by those who are supposed to be our caregivers. For example, what do we make of love when we are abused and neglected by a caregiver who say they love us? While at the same time are the cause and source of great fear and confusion.

Untangling the Emotions

When asked if we know the difference between fear and love we may say, of course we do. But if we’ve been immersed in an abusive environment and neglected for most of our lives, do we really know the difference? We may be lulled into feeling it’s as simple as knowing the difference between, to use an extreme example, being suddenly burned by something hot and relaxing at the end of a tough workout. Two extremely different sensations and situations. But they are only transient sensations of pain and pleasure. Not sustainable feelings of love and connection.

And if we can’t tell the difference between love and connection, and pleasure seeking, we may end up trying to fill that void with things like shopping or drinking alcohol. This can be a dangerous combination. If we never quite feel fulfilled by the pleasure seeking activity, then we may follow it as far as it will take us. Trying to fill that void.

Exploring Our Feeling to Feel More Fulfilled

So how do we build sustainable connection? Stop the pleasure seeking and find what truly makes us happy? It starts with knowing our fears. Knowing how it feels to have a healthy, unconditional relationship with ourselves. And by stopping the chase after what feels good right now and instead focus on the things that will support and sustain us in the future. It’s similar to having a friend who you know you can count on to listen. Or be there for you in a pinch. Only having that friend within. Knowing you can count on yourself to make the right decisions. To keep yourself safe and focus on your best interests in the future.

And it’s then that we can make the healthy choices in finding friends and romantic partners, that will be supportive, caring and loving, because we will be able to recognize them in ourselves.

It sounds so simple, and it is. But simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy. It takes practice and patients. But if we persist we will be able to stop focusing so intently on what others are thinking of us and begin to think about how we can be support for them. Because we know how to support ourselves. I hope this has been of some use to you reader. I know in my journey there are definitely times where I was, and still am, filled with self doubt. So be patient with yourself, and be persistent. It may be difficult, but it’s worth the while. Peace :] and thanks for reading.

Image Credits: “#Ireland: The woman with a red coat” by Frédéric Poirot is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Updated 7/29/22

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