I Have a Work Problem: When You Can’t Stop Pushing Yourself

Work in a “Busy kitchen” by VV Nincic is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Work has been a problem. For me and my family. We have no idea when to stop pushing ourselves past what’s healthy. Or how to set boundaries around who owns what feelings. What has been true for us is, that we feel responsible for the emotional states of others and this pushes us to work ourselves past the point of what we’re capable of handling in order to rectify or cover over our feelings of guilt and shame. In short, no bueno.

The Root

This became clear to me not too long ago when a few things happened that coincided with a perspective shift. I have been working in the restaurant industry for most of my working career, the same as my family has been doing for decades. In the restaurant industry, we work long days, through rushes and under difficult conditions. It was tough, but we had a lot of fun too.

Recently, I’ve switched to a new position that is office based work. I went into the job expecting the same type of environment. High stress and high energy. After all, the people I worked with seemed to be constantly busy and stressed in the same ways we were in the restaurant biz. So I jumped in with both feet, ready to wade through the human services industry. Things did not go as planned.

Change of Perspective

As I said, I started the position with the same tenacity that I was used to from the restaurants I’ve worked in. I was reaching out to people, making plans to meet with them, to find new resources. I was going hard and expecting that everybody else was on board. This however was not the case.

It seemed that the more I was doing, the more I was making others uncomfortable. I hadn’t realized it at first, but I was definitely stepping on some toes. When the situation finally came to a head, my supervisor and my boss’s supervisor called me into a meeting. We spoke for a few minutes when I realized that we were talking about how my attitude had become a problem.

At first this made no sense to me. I was doing my job and doing it well. My instinct was to think, “everybody else needs to step up their game.” But reflecting on this situation now, this isn’t the first time I’ve been in this situation.

Difficult to Manage

One of my old jobs was as a bread baker in a popular, local bakery. I was good at the job, worked hard and not afraid to jump in where they needed a hand. Unfortunately, I was arrogant, mean and not afraid to let my opinions be known. And I had a lot of opinions.

It was in this bakery that I had experienced some major life changes. One being ending my marriage with my then wife. I was in a bad place and hostile. More so than was the norm for that environment, which was pretty hostile to begin with. I was baking with the owner one holiday when I made a big mistake. We got into an argument and he ended up letting me go.

What was so memorable about the experience was, he told me I was a good baker, as he told me to leave in frustration. But difficult manage. And this was essentially what I was being told again. Good at my job, difficult to relate to. Only this time, by the grace of God, I didn’t get fired. So I decided somethings needed to shift.

Impossibly High Standards

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why was I putting myself in these strange and confusing situations. I was good at my job. It was my personality that was the problem. I do this because I feel as though my self worth and value hinges on how hard I work. As a family member of mine would say, “how serious I take myself”. That was confusing too, translating “serious” to “works hard”.

But what happens if you take yourself too seriously? What happens when you take your responsibilities to the extreme, work too hard? Placing your productivity over the relationships you have with those you work with? As I’ve found, you put yourself in situations where you get talked to. Not for your job performance, but for your interpersonal skills. Something I need to work on.

Relaxing Your Standards

Upon further reflection, this too was a learned behavior. I was taught to have a good work ethic. I was also consistently being told I was lazy by my parents in my youth. Their standards were what I would call unreasonably high for a child to add up to. But I tried. And in so doing, I inherited their impossibly high standards. Something I’m now in the process of unlearning.

And it’s no easy. I find myself picking apart every job I see done. Whether it’s by myself or another. Nothing is ever up to my standard of how I would like it to be. My motto was, “if it’s not done perfectly, it’s not done right”. This is also an unhealthy stance to take. The perfectionist in me is something that took a long time to come to terms with. Something I’m still coming to terms with.

What has helped me is, to sit in the uncomfortable feelings, the dis-ease of my standard not being met. Reminding myself that it doesn’t have to be perfect to be done well, or that good enough is sometimes good enough. Also, reminding myself that I’m not perfect. Which is something I definitely thought I was when I was younger. And another reminder, that even if I feel as though I’m coming up short, I still care for and love myself.

You Are Loved Regardless

And ultimately, this is the message that we send ourselves when we tear ourselves down for not being perfect. Or are being criticized for not adding up to an impossible standard: that we are not loved unless we are perfect. Anything short of an impossibly high standard and you are forced to sit outside of the feelings of love and acceptance. This is a cold place to be.

It’s also a place that needs a lot of inwardly turned attention and affection. Because when the affection of those who were supposed to love me, was withheld, I learned to withhold it from myself. Not knowing why I “wasn’t loveable”. But if others didn’t love me, there must be something wrong with me. This was how I saw myself until somewhat recently.

This changed for me around the time I started practicing self-care Sundays. I realized that I had been living under the harsh and brutal régime of my family for far too long. Beating myself up in ways such as skipping meals, while also upping my workouts. This resulted in me passing out after a shower one night. This is a dangerous mindset to occupy.

Loving Another Starts With Loving Yourself

I was so used to the critical side of me, that that’s all I listened to. I realized, after practicing self-care Sundays, that I didn’t really know what self-acceptance and love felt like. It had been so long since I’ve been able to accept where I am, or even who I am, that I had completely forgot what those states felt like.

This was quite the discovery. And further more, I had no healthy role models to show me how it worked! So I started practicing self-care on faith, really, hoping something would change.

Wading Through Old Emotions

And slowly but surely, new ways of being began to raise to the surface. Patience was one of the more important ones for me. Because without patience, I wasn’t able to sit with the uncomfortable emotions that I was feeling and had run from in the past. The emotions of feeling inadequate and unlovable were two big ones. With the patience to sit with them, I was able to recognize them for what they were. Old messages that had nothing to do with who I actually am.

Patience for me came in treating my self-care dinners as the opposite of working in the food industry. I chose a recipe I knew I would like. Then I would go out and gather the ingredients at my local grocery store. When it came time to prepare the meal, I would slowly and mindfully, gather and prepare all the ingredients. Usually while a candle was burning with a favorite scent of mine in low, ambient light and with soft, gentle music playing and a cup of herbal tea. I took my time and enjoyed the process instead of rushing through it.

I also realized, during these dinners that these were ways my family had felt neglected as well. They were also withholding love and acceptance from themselves by rushing through their emotions. But if we can learn to withhold love and acceptance, we can learn to reengage with them as well.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The key to why my self-care dinners worked so well for me was, because I kept doing them. It was something I dedicated my time to and did regularly and consistently. Showing myself that, “I’m here, I care”, is important.

And the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. If it was the consistent disapproval from my family members that brought me to a place where I wouldn’t approve of myself, no matter how much work I did, then it would be the consistent, positive reinforcement of caring for myself that would show me that I was worth the while. I am lovable. I am worth the time and caring affection I was seldom shown in the past.

But again, this is no easy. For this to take hold, you have to make it a part of your routine. I scheduled mine on Sundays, because that was the first day of my weekend. I knew I would have this day to myself, and seeing how I’m still paying down student loan debt, I don’t take many days off. So scheduling is important.

Find a Routine That Works for You & Stick to It

For me, my routine is my self-care Sunday meal. But I do this this because I enjoy cooking for myself, as long as I can take my time doing it. Because if I’m rushed, it feels like work to me. I enjoy slowly bringing the meal together while burning a candle and listening to some of my favorite tunes. The low-lighting and the aromas from what I’m cooking and my tea are soothing to me. Plus, the meals I make are pretty good. Thanks in large part to Minimalist Baker. But this is my routine and not everybody finds peace in the kitchen.

For your routine, find what brings you joy. This isn’t always an easy task. Before I was more attuned to myself, I would find relaxation at the bottom of 4-5 beers or mixed drinks while vegging out in-front of a screen. Either playing videogames or watching T.V.. None of those are inherently bad, but I was using them as an escape from my emotions. I enjoy having a beer or two while I’m out, or with my self-care dinners. But I no longer drink to excess. I’ve stopped playing videogames only because I haven’t found something I like and I still enjoy T.V., just a few episodes here and there.

When finding what brings you peace, ask yourself, “what are the things I do that I enjoy, that I’m good at.” Having a sense of mastery in a hobby brings with it a feeling of satisfaction. Knowing that you are good at something, like my cooking ability, can bring more overall joy to the experience. Or maybe start a new hobby or pick up a new interest. You never know where it could lead to.

Schedule Time For Yourself

And finally, if you’re busy as most of us are, find some time to carve out for yourself. I know what’s true for me is that responsibilities tend to multiply, not decrees. So finding a dedicated time for you to come back to again and again is important for consistency. Because it’s that consistency, that practice that shows us that we love ourselves by giving ourselves our time.

And it’s not selfish to take time to take care of yourself. This is something a younger me would scoff at. My opinion used to be that self-sacrifice was a given, and if you took the time to treat yourself then you were the worst kind of selfish. Self centered and arrogant were adjectives I would have used in my youth to describe who I’ve become today.

But we change. And healthy change can be a good thing. So long as we don’t over indulge. And finding the balance is key. Not going to extremes in either work, or relaxing too much. Take it from someone who’s seen both sides of the equation. Find your balance and you’ll find peace. Peace & thanks for reading : )

Image Credits: “Busy kitchen” by VV Nincic is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Micro-Forests: New Growth in Environmental Trends

Micro-Forests are a new trend that has been popping up around urban areas. I was walking to a local shop a few weeks ago when I noticed a group of people working on a patch of land. They were planting a variety of wild, native plants in a small public space. The area wasn’t used for anything in particular and it was small. About half the size of a plot of land you could build half a city house on. It use to have a sign from a local business and a tree populating it. Other than that it’s sandwiched between two busy streets and not ideal for recreational use.

So planting a micro-forest seems a perfect fit for the town and it’s lowering emissions goals. Moreover, it seems a good fit for most towns and cities. So what exactly are micro-forests? And what effects do they have on our environment? It took a little digging, but here’s what I’ve come up with.

What are Micro-Forests?

In its most fundamental form, a micro forest is a densely planted area, of native trees, shrubs and other local fauna, so as to replicate what a forest would look like in the local, wild environment. This is also a solution to a lot of issues surrounding climate change.

From what I’m able to tell, the concept originated from Japan with a system known as the Miyawaki Method. This method uses local plant varieties to cultivate a densely populated forest in a relatively small space. Hence the term, micro-forest.

The method may have started in Japan, but its tenants are practiced world wide. One article I read said that micro-forests were being planted in countries such as France and India. Other articles have showcased these forests being planted in Australia as well as the United Kingdom. It seems that where ever you go, you’re bound to run into one.

Benefits of a Micro-Forest

Some of the benefits of these mini-forests are impressive for their size. This method plants about 30x the amount of trees than conventional methods yield. And a mature tree can sequester up to 45 pounds of Co2 annually. And with all these extra trees, they retain 30x the amount of Co2, compared with conventional forests. That’s a lot of Co2. There is loads of bio diversity in these small patches of land as well.

One micro-forest can contain a minimum of 300% the diversity, as opposed to conventional reforesting techniques. The root systems from the trees are able to clean and manage storm water run off as well. This helps to stop soil erosion.

And on top of all that, the forest is maintenance free after the first three years. In the start, the micro forest needs some attention. Weeding of invasive species, watering and pulling the material that didn’t survive the initial transplant. But after these first few years, the forest becomes completely independent. It creates its own nutrients without having to rely on chemical fertilizers. And it also lowers the over all ambient temperature of the local environment. Which could be helpful for cities that have these oasis in their midst.

Bio-Diversity

Another benefit of these forests is the diversity in which they collect. Not only the variety of plants and trees that are planted there, but from small mammals, insects and pollinators as well. As new animals that may not have been able to thrive in urban centers find their ways to the forest oasis, nature is in essence being reintroduced to the developed areas of our landscape.

These are all very compelling reasons to start planting more micro-forests, wherever we can fit them. So what’s stopping us? Nothing, as far as I can tell.

Starting Your Own Little Forest

I would later read an article, about the patch I walked by on my way to the shop I spoke about in the beginning of this piece and how it was started by a local resident. She wanted to get involved so she got in touch with the city to find a suitable piece of land for her project. The city helped her find one through the “adopt an island” program and she was off and planting.

The project was totally funded by the city and provided some of the labor as well. There were a total of 15 volunteers who helped plant the nearly 600 seedlings. These cost the town a total of about $700 and were purchased locally. The town’s DPW helped turn the soil, uprooting the grass, and the forest was ready to be placed in the earth. The entire process took about a weeks time for the volunteers with little after care. The town agreed to water the patch for the three years before it becomes self sustained. After that, it should need no maintenance.

Where Are the Places in Your Community That Could Use a Micro-Forest?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m excited that the micro-forest was planted in my town. But the fact is, it’s planted next to a stretch of woodlands. Also, the town I live in is fairly affluent. So, yes, it can definitely use more green space, but the neighboring city which is much more urban, could probably use it a little more.

The city I live next to is decidedly less affluent, has more concrete per square mile and is in need of a little TLC. So it’s with this in mind that I will be looking to replicate this idea where it’s most needed.

I’ll start by talking to the person who planted the one that sparked my interest and see how to replicate it in my near by, neighboring city. Hopefully enlisting the help of some friends along the way. While also hopefully sparking an interest in the community about a sustainable future. Win win.

Micro-Forests, Closer to Home

The question you may be asking yourself is, “how do I get involved”? I don’t have a great answer for this except, maybe search for someone doing it in your community. It seems that most of the micro-forests I researched have been built in the past few years. So the best action maybe to start your own. Talk to your local city council, see if there is something like our, adopt an island program, you could use as a starting out point. Who knows where a few well placed questions could lead.

Also, maybe your town or city has a farmer’s market or community garden. Asking around that community may yield some results as well. The point is, get involved if you feel so inclined. After all, the environmental mess we’ve gotten into won’t fix itself. We made it, we need to be active members in its solution.

That’s it for this week. I’ll be posting updates with more of what I find on this micro movement the more I learn. If you’re interested in more sustainable tips check out these articles to help keep your world a little greener. Peace : ) and thanks for reading.

A More Sustainable Home

Black Friday : ( Green Friday : )

Environmental Self-Audit

Image Credits: “Micro Forest” by Dis da fi we is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

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