As I mentioned in last weeks post about neglecting our needs for clothing, I have been going through a lot of things and areas in my life that have been neglected for far too long. The kitchen pantry is one of those places, and it’s one that is packed with loads of unattended and badly neglected feelings. Food is a tough one for many, seeing how it is so closely connected with our survival instincts. And again, I’m not a professional, these are only my experiences with food.
The environment I grew up in was one filled with many conflicting messages, and food was a source of great confusion. As I’ve said before, my care-giver’s focus on image, and how we were seen was priority number one. So along with wearing the right thing, we also needed to look the part. To my family, this meant being thin. It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve gotten to my “desired weight”, or the one that would be approved of by my care-givers, now that looking thin is no longer a top priority for me. My goals now are to be at a healthy weight through diet and exercise.
But how they went about showing me that being thin was a priority was what was most confusing. One of my care-givers offered me money to lose weight. I believe the arrangement was 40 dollars to get to my ideal weight. I couldn’t have been more than twelve at the time, so I agreed. I wanted the money for sure, but also the opportunity to please them. To feel loved and accepted, whatever the cost, by my care-givers.
What was most confusing about this task was that I was given no direction on how to change my habits, and I was being fed by them as well. I had no idea what to do to lose weight or how to acquire the resources to get me to what seemed like an unachievable goal. So I felt like a failure. This was a huge blow to my confidence and one I’ve carried for a long time.
And to add to the confusion, instead of being shown the resources and support to achieve my goal, I was ridiculed for my weight. I was called a “human garbage disposal” while my entire family laughed at my expense.
Another layer of confusion was when I told my care-givers I was hungry they would almost always reply with, “there’s a fridge full of food in the kitchen”. That wasn’t untrue, but I had no idea how to cook or prepare meals for myself and the extent of my culinary abilities lie in being able to open a box of cereal or bottle of soda. No one was around to show me how to make a meal, or the different parts and techniques that make the sum of the whole.
To make things even more confusing, I once pulled pork chops from the freezer to try and cook a meal for myself. I defrosted the meat and cooked them in a frying pan. Thinking back now that wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but there was no one around to show me how, or to tell me that undercooked pork is potentially dangerous. But I finished cooking them and ate them without getting sick. I was kind of proud of myself for trying to take care of myself and was feeling pretty good. Until my care-givers came home and scolded me for using the pork chops they were saving for later in the week.
So there I stood, not knowing how to take care of my needs for food asides from opening a box of cereal, being told that there was plenty of food in the fridge, only I wasn’t allowed to eat it without the consent of my care-givers, who already thought I was eating too much because I was overweight. And I was overweight because my diet consisted of cereal, soda, and whatever candy I could buy at the local convenience store.
And to add insult to injury, my care-givers were gone from 10am to 2am. So there was nobody awake in the house by the the time I left for school in the morning, and by the time I got home from school, my care-givers were working. I went to bed whenever I wanted and ate whatever was left over in the fridge, sometimes not seeing them for days. So getting consent to make meals for myself or to be shown how to take care of my own needs wasn’t even an option.
Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I’m rearranging my cabinets to make room for new purchases when I realize that there are some food items that have been in my cabinets and pantries for about half a decade. That’s a long time for a box of pasta to be sitting around! I was treating my pantry like a museum, curating different “staples”, things I should have to have food. But I only ate a few things, I just started learning how to meal prep and had no idea how to put together a pantry. Speaking of building a functional pantry, Minimalist Baker has a great post on how to set up your own pantry, if you were in the same boat I was.
What I had was cabinets full of foods that I rarely used, if at all, and no intention of ever using them. They were just there. I’m not entirely sure why, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with my upbringing, being told we had plenty of food yet none of it was for me to prepare and just wanting to know I had food.
I’ve been cooking for a long time as a way to make a living. I started in a small but successful mexican takeout place when I was 20, and I’ve been cooking in some form ever since. But when it came to cooking for myself, I just didn’t. For a long time I ate takeout and went to restaurants mostly and seldom cooked meals. It wasn’t until the last few years that I started to meal prep, bring meals to work with me and take an active role in nourishing my body.
One of the first changes I’ve made that has had a positive impact on how I choose to nourish myself is through batch cooking. I make a plan by choosing about three recipes to cook for the week and keep them in the fridge for easy meals I can reheat instead of cooking at the end of a long day. I also batch cook lunch and breakfast to bring to work with me on my cooking day. One of the benefits is that I’m able to organize my shopping list around the recipes I choose for the week so very little food goes to waste.
To batch cook, I simply take the recipes I’m going to cook for the week and multiply them by two or three times the original quantity. So if the recipe yields two servings, if I multiply all the ingredients by three, I have six servings. These I store in the fridge for later and reheat them all week. I usually cook a few recipes and some kind of grain to have some variety, so I’m not eating the same thing day after day. But after realizing that a good portion of my pantry was old enough to start school, I made a plan to use up what I had, to organize my pantry, and hopefully, my relationship to food as well.
I’ve been searching for recipes that use these items that have been taking up cabinet space and am making plans to rotate and keep my stores fresh. For example, instead of buying boxes of pasta, just to have incase, after I use up what I do have I’m going to buy pasta fresh from the pasta shop that is close to home. This way, I’ll be eating fresh foods while freeing up space in my pantry and supporting a local business at the same time.
I was a little worried about the price I would be paying, being a thrifty New Englander, but I’ve found that buying fresh isn’t that much more expensive. A pound of pasta is roughly around 4 dollars fresh. Compared to .79 cents for it’s dried counterpart, yes that’s four times the cost. But if you only eat pasta once or twice a week or less as I do, that’s only 12 dollars a month or 9 meals, roughly 1.50 a meal assuming you get 3 meals from a pound of pasta. So it’s affordable, and the quality is undeniably superior to dried. It’s also a nice way to treat yourself with a special, affordable meal.
I think what sparked this investigation into my relationship with food and how I eat, started with my self-care Sunday dinners. As I’ve talked about in my post on self-care Sundays, I’ve decided to spend one day a week to take special care of myself. I chose my Friday or the last day of my work week, which falls on Sunday (actually it’s Tuesday now:) but a large part of the day involves preparing and eating a special meal. Something I normally wouldn’t make. This act helps me to enjoy being around food and the process of making it. Being creative, and trying something I normally wouldn’t cook for myself. Before these dinners, looking up new recipes was something I seldom did! I would usually eat the same three or four recipes without veering from those few.
In short, I’m teaching myself the healthy habits and boundaries around food I was never given. What used to be a source of fear and anxiety, has now become a resource. I look forward to coming home on my Fridays, knowing that I’ll light a candle, put some music on and cook a meal that I know I’m going to enjoy. It’s a source of pleasure to know I’m able to care for myself in this way. And I’m also eating healthier foods as well! We spend so much of our time relating to food, why spend that time and energy being fearful of it, or uncomfortable around it? Treat your food with love and you will love what you eat. Thanks for reading. Peace :]
Here are a few of my go-to recipes if you’re looking for something new or to start batch cooking for yourself, enjoy! :