Living Your Life: Self-Care

Self-care is something I’ve written quite a bit about on this blog. And fortunately, there are a bunch of ways to practice it. But finding healthy routines that are sustainable, and not getting caught in the trap of finding what feels good in the moment is a difficult one to navigate. And unfortunately, the more unhealthy habits are something that is usually passed down by those closest to us. There was no class in high-school, when I went anyway, for teaching us how to take care of ourselves and our needs.

This is an unfortunate truth for those of us who didn’t have the support to find out how to practice this skill. It is also at the core of how we grow, and become the best versions of ourselves. That’s why I go over it so frequently in this blog. Because I believe the more we take care of ourselves, the better we our at taking care of our environment. Immediate, but also globally. In this post, I’ll be taking a look at some of the ways I practiced unsustainable self-care, and the healthier habits I’ve picked up in their stead.

I think the first way I learned how to practice self care was by playing video games and watching T.V.. These aren’t inherently bad habits in anyway, but they are ones that I definitely used in unhealthy ways. I was using them, video games especially, to dull my senses. To “zone out” my surroundings so I didn’t have to interact, be a part of what was happening to, and around me. But I was also introduced to video games shortly before some traumatic events in my past took place. So in a way I was playing them to escape the chaos of what was happening in my life. It was a defense mechanism.

But they were something that I did for decades of my life, to avoid those closest to me. I was well into my thirties and still playing games like World of Warcraft for hours a day. If I had gotten a second job and worked as many hours as I played, I’d have a healthy retirement fund by now. It also took a toll on my marriage as well. I was spending more time with a video game than with connecting with my then wife. This makes me sad to think about, but I also recognize that I was still in protection mode. I still hadn’t realize that I wasn’t able to trust those closest to me, and that I was perpetuating the cycles of my past. Looking back, there was a lot of pain that wasn’t being recognized or even known about, first by me, then by everybody I was pushing away with an arrogant disposition.

But that’s the nature of what happens after we experience trauma. We go into shock and dissociate. I was definitely dissociated from all of my emotions, save for the very strong ones such as pain and anxiety. The times I wasn’t feeling these emotions, I was doing whatever I could to numb myself incase they came rushing back in. T.V. is another good example of dissociation in my case. I spent so many hours of watching others live their lives out on the screen, only to avoid what was happening to and around me. Another way for me to zone out, aka dissociate.

But again, I was still only trying to protect myself, the best ways I knew how at the time. Using this method, I could still be around those closest to me, without actually having to connect with them in a meaningful way. I could be around them, and keep up the appearance of being a functioning member of my community, while still keeping largely to myself.

And the same was true of alcohol and medication. For me, being numb was safer than being present. This was because there were so many ways I was afraid of being hurt.

But all the while, using all the different modalities I could find to dissociate, I was really seeking to numb the fear of being with those closest to me, but also with myself. The relationship I was most frightened of was of being with myself, and the ways I had picked up the habits and ways of abusing myself, in the same manner I saw my caregivers abuse themselves, but also the ways they in turn abused me. Like a cursed family heirloom being handed down from one generation to the next.

And all the while, while I was avoiding and numbing my relationships and my feelings, I didn’t realize that I wasn’t building the most important relationship, with myself. I had no idea outside of alcohol, video games and T.V., what brought me a sense of joy. I had no idea what I liked as a way to treat myself asides from using unsustainable methods and just plain hiding from my feelings and other people. This was kind of a shock when I realized how disconnected I was from who I am.

Luckily I wasn’t completely in the dark and without any resources. I knew that I liked music. Still a great source of comfort for me. Also one that has been there for me, in one form or another, for most all of my life. I can remember the first time I ever heard and loved a piece of music. I was probably not more than four or five, and I had just gotten my first alarm clock. Not that I had anywhere to be back then, but I remember scanning the stations and exploring my new device. I came across a piece of classical music and was mesmerized. The violins in particular were what stuck out to me. From that day on I knew I loved music.

But it was exactly these types of memories, this type of intimacy with myself that I had lost or forgotten. The moments of, “I enjoy this, this makes me happy”, was something I had lost touch with shortly after my trauma and then again when I was actively seeking to numb myself with whatever was easy. Aka, video games, T.V., drinking and medication. These were definitely not easy places to inhabit emotionally. And I usually felt as though there were some unattended emotions just waiting around the corner.

And there were. Lots of them. I still hadn’t dealt with the feelings and emotions from my abuse and the trauma I endured. How could I have when I was actively seeking to numb them for so long! So it wasn’t until I stopped doing those things that were keeping my emotions at bay that I truly began to feel, and understand the emotional life I was leaving unattended.

I first started with lessening my alcohol consumption. This was a difficult task, seeing as how I was drinking five to six drinks a night, just to wind down. But I did, and I’ve felt healthier ever since. I’ve replaced my nightly beers or mixed drinks with a few cups of herbal tea. This way I can relax and unwind without being intoxicated. I can stay present in the moment instead of zoning out.

It’s important to remember too, that this is a big transition. Or it was for me. I sometimes feel as though I’m drinking too much tea. This is where it is important to reality check myself. Having three, sometimes four cups of herbal tea is not the same as having four mixed drinks. I like to think of this part of me as Freud’s classic super-ego. This is also incidentally the part of me that is a perfectionist. The one that sets unreasonable standards and then will beat me up for not achieving them. This can be dangerous if left unchecked.

I’ve also been eating healthier overall, and leaving one night a week where I plan and make a special meal for myself to wrap up my work week. This way I am eating healthier foods and making healthier nutritional decisions, while also treating myself to something tasty that I am looking forward to making during the week. I also plan some sort of dessert into my special meal. So I feel as though it is a little break from the norm.

When I was drinking as much alcohol as I was at night, I was 50 to 60 pounds overweight. And the food I was eating was definitely not thought through in regards to their nutritional values. I was overweight and felt unhealthy most of the time. So the time I spend now on taking care to nourish myself brings me a sense of ease. One where I’m looking out for my health, but also finding foods I enjoy cooking and eating and that taste phenomenal as well. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to sacrifice the things I like to take care of my needs.

Yoga is another way I incorporate self-care into my routine. With the amount of T.V. and video games I watched and played, I needed to get my body moving, and reconnect with the parts of me that had been stagnant for far too long. And it’s worth mentioning that it took me a while to figure out a routine that was healthy, yet took care of my need to move and connect with my body in a healthy way.

For example, when I first started doing yoga, I was going to two 60 minute classes a week on top of running 10 to 20 miles as well. My workout routine has evolved from then and until recently I was working out three days in a row, two yoga and one run day without a rest inbetween. My cycle was three days on, four days off. This was okay, but it left me feeling depleted, drained. I enjoyed the workouts but the intensity of doing it all in one block was too much. Again with the super-ego : )

I’ve since switched to a workout every other day, with two days off in a row at the end of my week. This way I have a chance to relax a little between workouts, while also not feeling as tired on a workout day. I also look forward to my workouts more often now. Knowing that I’m taking care of my need to rest between workouts is a huge step towards me being able to listen to and care for what my needs are, all the while learning how to listen to what my body is telling me.

I’ve also been paying attention to what my body needs for rest more frequently as well. I used to stay up late, and for no real reason other than I wanted to watch more T.V.. I was usually idly wasting time, doing and gaining nothing from the extra energy I was expending doing nothing. I now go to bed when I’m tired, or at least recognize when I am tired without trying to cover over those feelings with alcohol or caffeine. It’s amazing what your body will tell you when you’re not trying to drown out its messages with something to get in the way of listening.

Another way I’ve been trying to implement some self-care into my routine is in an unlikely place but one that needs some attention nonetheless. My budget. I got into a lot of debt when I was in my twenties and thirties. Credit cards, student loans, if it was money someone was willing to lend me, I was willing to take it. Now that I’ve been paying off my debt, I’ve kicked it into overdrive and have been going hard. Again with the Super-Ego.

I picked up a second job and am funneliung all available funds towards my debt, via the Dave Ramsey method to get out of debt and live your life. I was going so far as to not buy a cup of tea or coffee on the mornings I was working 18 hour days including a three hour commute! This was a bit much.

You’ll be happy to know that I now buy myself a tea once and awhile, but I also plan on budgeting a treat for myself while I’m paying back my debt. I plan on treating myself to a massage for every 10k I pay off in loans. This way I’m still focused on my goals, but also have something to look forward to while I’m in the midsts of working two jobs and doubles. This can be stressful incase you’ve never been in this boat : D But also necessary to keep some balance and not feel completely burnt out.

These are a few of the routines I’ve developed in helping to live a healthier, more balanced life. I’ve stopped watching T.V. almost completely, but plan on watching some as I don’t want my super-ego to get out of hand in this area either. Having healthy habits isn’t always easy, but it’s possible and rewarding. So if there is something that you feel you’ve been leaning on too much, maybe try replacing some of it with a healthier habit.

Exercise is a good one to start with because a lot of what you need to start is free or cheap. Yoga with Adriene is a great resource if you’ve been thinking of yoga as an outlet. And if running is something that’s piqued your interests, all you need is a pair of shoes. And remember, you don’t have to make major changes all at once! Living a healthy life takes time and practice. Don’t give into the super-ego : ) Take your time and you’ll be in good shape. Peace : ) and thanks for reading.

Image Credits: “Juicy Mountain Retreat (Göcek, Turkiye 2018)” by paularps is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Clean Your Plate!: How Healthy Boundaries With Food Can Help Us Heal From Old Wounds

Every Tuesday night, I make a special, self-care dinner for myself. I usually search for a recipe that looks interesting, or something that has caught my eye during the week. I go shopping for my meal that night, and take my time cooking the meal to really savor my time preparing something I will enjoy. I even had a co-worker make me a special bowl for the weekly ritual. I usually make a large batch of whatever I’m making so I have leftovers to eat during the week. And last Tuesday was no different.

However, there was something different about last week’s meal. I made a tortilla soup topped with corn chips, cilantro, avocado, cheddar and sour cream. It was tasty, but that wasn’t what was different. What had changed was, by the time I got to the end of my bowl, I felt as though I was forcing myself to finish the rest of my meal. I had at some point stopped enjoying my meal and began forcing myself to enjoy my meal.

This was a confusing place to be. I made these meals especially so I could enjoy and connect with the experience of cooking something I like while also nourishing myself in the process. Why was I now forcing myself to enjoy something, after I had already enjoyed the process and consumption of it?

And the more I thought of it, the less sense this seemed to make. The bowl I had my friend make for me was the second bowl she had made. The first one was too small for my liking. I wanted something I could fit a lot of food in. Further more I usually made, and served myself, way too much food, and had up to three or four drinks and a dessert to follow with some sort of tea to round out the meal. I was not concerned about my portion control, only how much I could consume.

This switch, from a ritual I had created to forge a new and soothing relationship with myself, to turning into something that was not as enjoyable as I had initially planned it to be, had me feeling uneasy. Then I realized there was much more beneath the surface to what I was experiencing.

It began with my portion sizes. I was serving myself way too much food. So much so that I felt as though I was muscling through the meal towards the end rather than enjoying the experience in a relaxed setting. I was using my experience with food, the joy I received from making the meal, to sitting down and relishing in the flavor combinations of a meal well prepared, like a drug. And from this perspective, more is better. But I was also covering over some other feelings that had been left unattended for a long time. The feelings of how I related to food.

When I was growing up, my experience in relating to food was not an enjoyable one. I do have some fond memories of holiday meals being prepared. The smells of rosemary and roasting meats wafting through the house as family gathered to celebrate. But a majority of my time spent with meals was not so steeped in revelry. I would often hear from my caregivers, “clean your plate” in reference to finishing the food that was given to me.

I also spent very little time at mealtime with my caregivers. And the times I did spend with them was filled with petty arguments and insults. A thousand tiny cuts. They would prepare meals for me, but I believe that family mealtime ended for me around the time I was 12-14 years old. My caregivers were gone until 2am most nights, leaving me to fend for myself when it came to nourishment. It felt more like survival most nights. This is an exaggeration, but the loneliness mixed with not knowing how to cook for myself or how to pick healthy meals that would leave me feeling my best was anxiety provoking and confusing. I spent most of this time alone, not sure of what to do to take care of myself. It was a lonely and scary place to be for a preteen.

And the times we were together, my caregivers referred to me as a “human garbage disposal”. This was also confusing, and seemed in direct contradiction to my prime directive of, “cleaning my plate.” I was confused. Paired with no direction on how to please my caregivers, it seemed that everything I was doing was somehow wrong or unexceptable to their judgements.

And to further drive home the “human garbage disposal” nickname, my caregivers were more than intolerant of overweight persons. This was also confusing, as my caregivers and myself, were also all overweight. There was literally no sense to be made from any of these interactions. Again, a very confusing place to be.

One of my caregivers went so far as to offer me money to lose weight. I believe the arrangement was 40$ to get down to my ideal weight. I agreed, but what 13 year-old wouldn’t want 40$? But with no direction on how to lose the weight, and being poorly fed with no direction on how to achieve my goals by the same people wanting me to lose weight, I didn’t stand a chance and felt like a failure.

Fast forward to my mid twenties, I was overweight, had zero boundaries with the food and alcohol I was consuming, but I stayed faithful to my caregivers instructions, and chose Brad Pitt’s character from the movie, “Fight Club” as my role-model of how I thought I should look… What hurts so much now thinking about all of this is, that I had no idea how unreasonable these standards are and were. I thought these were perfectly normal and reasonable aspirations because they were expected of me by my caregivers.

I should also mention that one of my caregivers top values is looking attractive. Which, unfortunately for me growing up, was reinforced, time and time again. So I wasn’t even aware of how unreasonable these standards actually are, and backed by a society that is equally image obsessed, it took a great strength of will to even see past the idea that looking thin and attractive, was not the most important aspect of life.

All of these unhealthy messages I received growing up left me feeling confused, angry with myself for not being able to live up to these unreasonable standards, highly judgemental of others who couldn’t live up to my and my caregivers standards, and just plain unsatisfied. By the time I hit my early thirties, I was overweight and angry about it and my diet was the most unhealthy it had been ever. Something needed to change.

I first started with exercise. I started running two miles every few days in the local commons. I was going through a divorce at the time and there were other major shifts happening in my life. One of the ways I was able to take some steps in a healthier direction and control of my life was by getting out on the road and running a few miles. This was the start of me making more health conscious decisions that directly affected my life for the better.

After I got into a routine of regularly exercising, I shifted my focus on what I was eating. This was particularly difficult, considering the environment I was in. I was living with a woman who was in her early twenties, who was living life much the same ways I was in my early twenties. This should have been an indicator that I was moving backwards with my life choices, but I was under a considerable amount of stress and dealing with a life’s time worth of unchecked emotional baggage. I understand why I made the decisions I did, but would not make them again. Needless to say, our eating habits were not the healthiest.

That being said, I was however able to begin to make healthier food choices and change my habits while I was living in less than ideal circumstances. I began grocery shopping as I would for a family. Planning and preparing meals for us for the week. I was roasting whole chickens and preparing other whole foods, straying away from fatty and sugary prepared and processed foods. I was taking control of our nutritional needs and moving us in a healthier direction.

This was also around the time I decided to reduce my alcohol intake as well. This change stems from my taking a conscious effort to part ways with the habits and patterns my caregivers had modeled for me in my youth. And ones I stayed loyal to, until I decided to make changes for the better.

And as soon as I stopped drinking as much alcohol as I had been consuming, that’s when my health really started to take shape. I was less sluggish, I was losing weight due to the sudden decrease in caloric intake from not only the unhealthy foods I was eating, but also the empty calories in the beer and coffee I was drinking. And speaking of coffee, I also lessened my caffeine intake. I was drinking around 4-5 double or quad shot moccas a day! This was excessive by any standard.

So in the course of two years, I had turned my eating habits from something unhealthy to the point where I may have had health complications had I kept with my poor eating habits, to exercising regularly, watching my alcohol and caffeine consumption and eating healthier, whole foods. All in all I had made some pretty remarkable changes in my personal life. So fast forward a few years and I’m still defaulting to some of my old habits. Why was this so?

From what I am able to tell, much of it stems from my avoiding the old feelings of deficiency I received from my caregivers growing up. I was still looking for the external validation of living up to my caregivers unreasonable standards that I adopted as my own. All the healthy eating and diet changes were a way of trying to live up to my caregivers impossible standard. The difference is, now I have the tools I never had before. Now I know how to please my caregivers.

But this is still an unhealthy way of living. Trying to live up to impossible standards is exhausting and dangerous. I remember one night, after working a full shift without eating breakfast or lunch, I ran three miles and did thirty minutes of yoga. I was so exhausted from the day, that when I got out of the shower and bent over to towel off, I passed out on the bathroom floor. The person I live with came into to the bathroom to see if I was okay. I clearly was not.

So I’m still holding on to these conflicting and unhealthy messages from my past, which all stemmed from, “clean your plate”. Even after all this work, I’m still holding on to some of these lessons. Why?

From what I’m able to tell, I feel a sense of accomplishment from “cleaning my plate”. This is the external validation I am looking for, that I never received from my caregivers. There’s a part of me that is still looking for validation for what I never received. So how do I change this unhealthy way of relating to myself and these unreasonable standards I’ve adopted? How do I learn to be okay, just as I am, while still striving to be the best version of myself in a healthy way? I think it starts, for me anyways, with my meditation practice.

During my meditation, I recite a set of affirmations that helps me to be the version of myself I want to be. One of the lines is, “it’s okay to be me, just as I am”. I need this constant reinforcement, to help to break the old patterns of not feeling as though I’m adding up. And not adding up meant feeling like I didn’t belong to my caregivers, which made me feel unsafe. Add some early childhood trauma to the mix and you have a recipe for a difficult set of patterns and expectations to break free from.

This reassurance also helps to let me know I’m not perfect, and that’s okay. When I was younger, I really thought my belonging hinged on the good opinion of my caregivers. Now that I know that my caregivers are just people, it’s a little easier to forgive myself for not living up to their standards, as I no longer view their words as absolute law.

Also, being kind and patient with myself. When I was forcing myself to finish my meal a few days ago, I was already feeling uneasy and a little sad. I needed self-care then more than ever. Because there was and is a lot of confusion and mixed messages around food and sustaining myself. And my younger emotional self is still holding out for that chance to make my caregivers proud of me for doing what they asked of me. This will take some time for my emotional self to feel better about. And the only way I can come to terms with that is through being kind to myself and the feelings as they arise.

Exercise and healthy eating are still going to be integral routines to my lifestyle choices, but for different reasons than they were before. It’s still okay to want to look and feel good, only the perspective has shifted from looking and feeling good as being my top value, to being a means to living a healthy and active life. Because when I was living a sedentary lifestyle, overweight and drinking too much, I wasn’t happy.

I was drinking caffeine and alcohol to numb my emotions while watching T.V. and playing video games to avoid living my life. I was also overweight and unhealthy. As I said above, I was most likely headed for some health complications due to my lifestyle. That wouldn’t have been good for anybody! So knowing that I’m living my life, to be the best and healthiest version of myself is now my number one value when it comes to health choices and making value based decisions, and this makes me feel healthier. My values are no longer set at how good I look naked, and that feels good : )

And finally, knowing that we are not perfect. This one was a difficult one for me to come to terms with. My caregivers focus on perfection was omnipresent. I felt as though, if I didn’t get that A, or wasn’t the perfect image of what my caregivers wanted of me, regardless of how impossible the image was (see Brad Pitt’s character in Fight Club for example), I was unsafe and unloved.

I went so far as to study Val Kilmer’s, Jim Morrison, because they liked The Doors, and Jim seemed to be living life like my caregivers. I had no idea how unhealthy this dynamic is and was. But I remember how lonely it was growing up, with no one around and not feeling loved or belonging. Realizing that I don’t have to be somebody else, that “it’s okay to be me, just as I am”, has done so much good in remembering I don’t have to add up to someone else’s standard. That it’s okay to be me, flaws and all.

And it takes practice. Sometimes I still find myself wanting to conform to someone else’s ideal to be loved, to feel belonging. It’s in those moments that I remember the things that I do value. The friends I have who know and love me for me. The activities I find joy in like yoga and hiking. And the plans I have for my future, that help to ground me in who I am outside of somebody else’s standard.

So if you’re struggling with a set of unreasonable standards you were presented with before you were able to form your own healthier versions, you are not alone. And also, it’s not too late to change these standards. Be persistent, take the time to learn who you are. Your likes and dislikes. What are the moments that bring you joy? Is it a song that you particularly are drawn to? Do you enjoy a certain meal or maybe a treat you make for yourself on special occasions. These are the pieces that when added up, make you who you are. Be faithful to those and you will find your way : ) And as always, thanks for reading : ) peace.

Image Credits: “Stack of Clean Plates” by ljfullofgrace is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Self-Care: How We Treat Our Pantry and How It’s Related to the Ways We Nourish Ourselves

As I mentioned in last weeks post about neglecting our needs for clothing, I have been going through a lot of things and areas in my life that have been neglected for far too long. The kitchen pantry is one of those places, and it’s one that is packed with loads of unattended and badly neglected feelings. Food is a tough one for many, seeing how it is so closely connected with our survival instincts. And again, I’m not a professional, these are only my experiences with food.

The environment I grew up in was one filled with many conflicting messages, and food was a source of great confusion. As I’ve said before, my care-giver’s focus on image, and how we were seen was priority number one. So along with wearing the right thing, we also needed to look the part. To my family, this meant being thin. It wasn’t until very recently that I’ve gotten to my “desired weight”, or the one that would be approved of by my care-givers, now that looking thin is no longer a top priority for me. My goals now are to be at a healthy weight through diet and exercise.

But how they went about showing me that being thin was a priority was what was most confusing. One of my care-givers offered me money to lose weight. I believe the arrangement was 40 dollars to get to my ideal weight. I couldn’t have been more than twelve at the time, so I agreed. I wanted the money for sure, but also the opportunity to please them. To feel loved and accepted, whatever the cost, by my care-givers.

What was most confusing about this task was that I was given no direction on how to change my habits, and I was being fed by them as well. I had no idea what to do to lose weight or how to acquire the resources to get me to what seemed like an unachievable goal. So I felt like a failure. This was a huge blow to my confidence and one I’ve carried for a long time.

And to add to the confusion, instead of being shown the resources and support to achieve my goal, I was ridiculed for my weight. I was called a “human garbage disposal” while my entire family laughed at my expense.

Another layer of confusion was when I told my care-givers I was hungry they would almost always reply with, “there’s a fridge full of food in the kitchen”. That wasn’t untrue, but I had no idea how to cook or prepare meals for myself and the extent of my culinary abilities lie in being able to open a box of cereal or bottle of soda. No one was around to show me how to make a meal, or the different parts and techniques that make the sum of the whole.

To make things even more confusing, I once pulled pork chops from the freezer to try and cook a meal for myself. I defrosted the meat and cooked them in a frying pan. Thinking back now that wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but there was no one around to show me how, or to tell me that undercooked pork is potentially dangerous. But I finished cooking them and ate them without getting sick. I was kind of proud of myself for trying to take care of myself and was feeling pretty good. Until my care-givers came home and scolded me for using the pork chops they were saving for later in the week.

So there I stood, not knowing how to take care of my needs for food asides from opening a box of cereal, being told that there was plenty of food in the fridge, only I wasn’t allowed to eat it without the consent of my care-givers, who already thought I was eating too much because I was overweight. And I was overweight because my diet consisted of cereal, soda, and whatever candy I could buy at the local convenience store.

And to add insult to injury, my care-givers were gone from 10am to 2am. So there was nobody awake in the house by the the time I left for school in the morning, and by the time I got home from school, my care-givers were working. I went to bed whenever I wanted and ate whatever was left over in the fridge, sometimes not seeing them for days. So getting consent to make meals for myself or to be shown how to take care of my own needs wasn’t even an option.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, and I’m rearranging my cabinets to make room for new purchases when I realize that there are some food items that have been in my cabinets and pantries for about half a decade. That’s a long time for a box of pasta to be sitting around! I was treating my pantry like a museum, curating different “staples”, things I should have to have food. But I only ate a few things, I just started learning how to meal prep and had no idea how to put together a pantry. Speaking of building a functional pantry, Minimalist Baker has a great post on how to set up your own pantry, if you were in the same boat I was.

What I had was cabinets full of foods that I rarely used, if at all, and no intention of ever using them. They were just there. I’m not entirely sure why, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with my upbringing, being told we had plenty of food yet none of it was for me to prepare and just wanting to know I had food.

I’ve been cooking for a long time as a way to make a living. I started in a small but successful mexican takeout place when I was 20, and I’ve been cooking in some form ever since. But when it came to cooking for myself, I just didn’t. For a long time I ate takeout and went to restaurants mostly and seldom cooked meals. It wasn’t until the last few years that I started to meal prep, bring meals to work with me and take an active role in nourishing my body.

One of the first changes I’ve made that has had a positive impact on how I choose to nourish myself is through batch cooking. I make a plan by choosing about three recipes to cook for the week and keep them in the fridge for easy meals I can reheat instead of cooking at the end of a long day. I also batch cook lunch and breakfast to bring to work with me on my cooking day. One of the benefits is that I’m able to organize my shopping list around the recipes I choose for the week so very little food goes to waste.

To batch cook, I simply take the recipes I’m going to cook for the week and multiply them by two or three times the original quantity. So if the recipe yields two servings, if I multiply all the ingredients by three, I have six servings. These I store in the fridge for later and reheat them all week. I usually cook a few recipes and some kind of grain to have some variety, so I’m not eating the same thing day after day. But after realizing that a good portion of my pantry was old enough to start school, I made a plan to use up what I had, to organize my pantry, and hopefully, my relationship to food as well.

I’ve been searching for recipes that use these items that have been taking up cabinet space and am making plans to rotate and keep my stores fresh. For example, instead of buying boxes of pasta, just to have incase, after I use up what I do have I’m going to buy pasta fresh from the pasta shop that is close to home. This way, I’ll be eating fresh foods while freeing up space in my pantry and supporting a local business at the same time.

I was a little worried about the price I would be paying, being a thrifty New Englander, but I’ve found that buying fresh isn’t that much more expensive. A pound of pasta is roughly around 4 dollars fresh. Compared to .79 cents for it’s dried counterpart, yes that’s four times the cost. But if you only eat pasta once or twice a week or less as I do, that’s only 12 dollars a month or 9 meals, roughly 1.50 a meal assuming you get 3 meals from a pound of pasta. So it’s affordable, and the quality is undeniably superior to dried. It’s also a nice way to treat yourself with a special, affordable meal.

I think what sparked this investigation into my relationship with food and how I eat, started with my self-care Sunday dinners. As I’ve talked about in my post on self-care Sundays, I’ve decided to spend one day a week to take special care of myself. I chose my Friday or the last day of my work week, which falls on Sunday (actually it’s Tuesday now:) but a large part of the day involves preparing and eating a special meal. Something I normally wouldn’t make. This act helps me to enjoy being around food and the process of making it. Being creative, and trying something I normally wouldn’t cook for myself. Before these dinners, looking up new recipes was something I seldom did! I would usually eat the same three or four recipes without veering from those few.

In short, I’m teaching myself the healthy habits and boundaries around food I was never given. What used to be a source of fear and anxiety, has now become a resource. I look forward to coming home on my Fridays, knowing that I’ll light a candle, put some music on and cook a meal that I know I’m going to enjoy. It’s a source of pleasure to know I’m able to care for myself in this way. And I’m also eating healthier foods as well! We spend so much of our time relating to food, why spend that time and energy being fearful of it, or uncomfortable around it? Treat your food with love and you will love what you eat. Thanks for reading. Peace :]

Here are a few of my go-to recipes if you’re looking for something new or to start batch cooking for yourself, enjoy! :

Roast Vegetable & Quinoa Harvest Bowl

1-Pot Everyday Lentil Soup

Easy Vegan Ramen

Image Credits: “Early 20th century pantry in Pittock Mansion” by mharrsch is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

Reparenting-Resistance to Training: Why Working Out Builds More Than Just Strength

I’m an avid runner and yogi. I love the feel of being out on the road, ending my fourth mile at the top of a hill. Also knowing that the ocean and its breeze is just ahead of me, waiting on the other side. I love the calm on my mat right after we finish our vinyasa. And when I’m lying prone in savasana, letting the energy from the workout settle over me. But it wasn’t always that way.

For a long time I avoided exercise at almost any cost. Even though I played baseball and soccer in my youth and also took taekwondo lessons, I’ve struggled with any form of physical activity since I started middle school. With the exceptions of when I decided to lift weights for stints of two months every five or so years. So it was to my complete surprise when about four years ago I took to running as a hobby and practicing yoga fairly regularly.

I’m not sure what got into me. But I took to both yoga and running so quickly that I was running half marathons in a little under a year’s time and I was doing yoga twice a week. Making great strides in my overall health and fitness levels.

I attribute much of my motivation levels to my quitting smoking, drinking and playing video games. But also as much credit goes to my living situation being the most stable it has been since my early childhood. Probably around the time I stopped playing all the sports I used to engage with in the first place. I had been so worried about my survival first, and belonging second, that any energy I had went to those two efforts. These thoughts consumed my thoughts and actions.

As I would come to find out I had been hyper vigilant due mostly to my past abuse that lead directly to my developing PTSD. I didn’t realize it then but I was expending great amounts of energy keeping my feelings guarded and isolating from others. I was so guarded that I was dissociating from both my feelings and body almost constantly.

Once my living situation stabilized and I was able to take stock of what personal resources and achievements I had to build from, I realized I didn’t have many. I had spent so much of my time running from every aspect of my life that I had maybe two friends that were well adjusted and stable. I had loads of debt and was pretty unhealthy as well. So I suppose it was only natural to use something like running (because it was already second nature to me) to get in touch with my body and take control of my health. Yoga helped to slow me down enough to feel what was here as well as getting acquainted with the parts of my body I had been neglecting for so long.

Running specifically was a source of pride and accomplishment for me. I could track the progress in mileage in time and with tangible results. As I said above I was running 13.1 miles from 2 miles inside of a year. Also the neighborhoods and scenery I was running in and around were beautiful. It helped that I had some running buddies along the way as well.

I remember running my first rely-marathon with a friend of mine from Vermont. The course carved through downtown Burlington and the views of Lake Champlain while running up and down the city’s hilly roads were lined with rows of vibrant green conifers. This was set behind the clear, glassy lake which was reflecting the sapphire sky and its low lying supple clouds. It was beautiful. And along with so many people running along side of me which was more supportive than I would have thought. There’s always an excitement on race day, like this run REALLY matters. No matter how many times you’ve run the course or the race, it feels special knowing there are so many like minded people gathering to achieve the same goal.

The feelings of support and community are also true of yoga classes. The dimly lighted room, the open space filled with yoga mats politely distanced to give room to the people surrounding you. And soothing music softly playing as people prepare for the class by coming to stillness and quiet on their mats. The quiet flow of synchronized movement while each person follows the instructors direction to the best of their ability with focused intentions and minds. And finally the release of the session’s work as it melts away from your body leaving you feeling relaxed and filled with life, as you finish your day’s practice in savasana.

These two hobbies have been a large influence of my healing path as well. From the time of my abuse till I was in my early thirties, I had no real goals or aspirations to rise to in my life. I was listlessly floating around from situation to relationship to circumstance, completely uncertain about what was going to happen to me or my future. I didn’t feel as though I really had a future to speak of. After I woke up into my emotions, running and yoga were the two ways I was able to give some structure to my life.

Running was a way for me to understand that I could achieve something, however small. The distances I ran and the connections I made with the people I ran with were markers for me. Markers that allowed me to cultivate a sense of accomplishment. Even if it was only making the jump from mile six to mile seven, I was proud of that mile. As though that mile showed me I could overcome something. Achieve what I never thought I was able to accomplish. Or the five mile buddy runs I used to run with my friend Jenny, around the neighborhoods of my past. The unconditional friendship and feelings of accomplishment of consistently running five miles that accompanied me through the streets that I had so associated with past failures. They gave me the strength to feel better about the choices I was making. Instead of the choices I had made.

And with yoga it was a way for me to feel comfortable around people again. Something I was having trouble with while being present in my body. I had been so used to drinking and using medication to soothe myself while around others that I forgot how to be around someone while in an unaltered state. Yoga with its comforting setting and gentle flow while being a challenging workout, showed me how to be in my body. And to experience these emotions not only in my body, but while being surrounded by supportive, like minded people.

As I’ve mentioned above I had maybe two friends who stuck with me and were supportive. Most of the people I had surrounded myself with before I woke up emotionally were critical, angry and viciously mean. Both my friends and especially my family were very cold and very cutting. It was no wonder that I was so detached from my body and feelings. Every time I stepped foot inside myself I felt as though I was under attack!

Running and yoga were also ways for me to know I could achieve physical health goals if I committed to them. And that they were ways of being in my body and surrounded by people and feel safe. Furthermore, I felt that I could choose to make these healthy choices and choose to surround myself with people who felt safe to be around. That helped to show me that I had the agency I felt I lacked for so long. I could choose how my future would unfold. I could stop wandering so listlessly and find some focus. Some footing to regain control of my life.

I suppose this is why sports are so important for some young people. Something to give them the stable, supportive, community that they may be lacking elsewhere in their lives. A younger me would have scoffed at the idea. But looking back on what the self-driven, dedication and support from loved ones has given me, I could only imagine what it would do for someone who was hanging on by a thread. Who felt like they were just trying to survive.

Fortunately for us we don’t have to be experiencing some great trauma to develop a new healthy hobbie like running or yoga. The benefits are equally as gratifying either way. The more we make showing up for ourselves a habit, by way of commiting to our workouts and physical health, the greater the trust we nurture in our own lives will be. Tara Brach a Buddhist psychologist who I’ve mentioned before on this blog, gave a talk related to this subject. It’s about how “it’s not the survival of the fittest, it’s the survival of the nurtured.” And for me the more often I reflect on this piece of wisdom the truer it becomes.

So if you haven’t started a hobby like running or yoga, or maybe swimming has always appealed to you, I urge you to pursue your interests. Be inquisitive and explore your personality some. Maybe hiking has been in the back of your mind waiting for the time to be right to pick it up and see where it takes you. Make the time for yourself and show up. But be kind to yourself on the way and be consistent. One of the reasons yoga is so healthy is that there is no competition, no judgement. You show up just as you are. And that’s always be enough. Whatever interest or predilections you have, foster them. Who knows where they’ll take you but wherever it is it will be satisfying. And you’ll be building confidence and trust in yourself along the way. Happy trails and Namaste :]

Reparenting: How to Set Healthy Boundaries With What We’re Eating

Food is tough. It’s at the center of most of our celebrations and holidays. We share recipes we love while we find new favorites and old standbys to garnish our plates. We eat every day and we have different dishes representing a plethora of cultures to choose from. It’s also a way we pass time and to cheer ourselves up. We binge on it while we binge on T.V. and there are other ways we use food to be sure. But for most of us food is always in the back of our minds.

I usually start out the week with the best of intentions. Those are to cook lots of different meals for a quick lunch or dinner during the week so I won’t have to stand in front of the fridge or cabinets wondering what I’ll be eating for dinner that night. But it inevitably happens. My days off come around and something’s come up or I don’t have the energy to muster the ambitious meal plan I have in mind. So I default to something easy while the food I bought for the recipes I chose slowly waste away in the fridge or on the counter tops.

This happens more often than I’d like to admit. I know I’m not alone and I feel bad tossing a bunch of produce that’s turned. Not only do I feel bad about the waste but also because meals are so important to our self-care and how we feel about, view and fuel our bodies. The more we take care with the foods that we prepare for ourselves, the more respect we pay to ourselves. And in turn the better we will feel about ourselves. And not to mention the voice that beats us up for the habits we’ve been taught along the way.

My habits were pretty unhealthy. In my teens and early twenties, I ate a lot of takeout while drinking four to five beers a night. I had always been overweight until fairly recently and ate the fattiest, most unhealthy takeout foods. One of my weakness was for pork pot stickers with general Goa’s chicken and chow foon right behind them. I would probably eat my daily caloric intake in one meal if I got Chinese for take-out!

But my habit for takeout started when I was a teenager. I would spend my paper-route money at a sub-shop down the street. Since my mother was always at work she didn’t have time to make dinner for us every night. So I defaulted to greasy subs and pizzas while loading up on chips and whatever I could find at the convenience store.

It wasn’t until the last few years that I’ve been taking a more mindful look at the ways I’ve related to food in the past. And I’ve set some goals for how I want my diet to look and feel going forward for the future.

My recent food journey began when a friend of mine asked me to go to the Boston Vegfest with her about five years ago. She also gave me a book titled, “The China Study” by Dr. T. Colin Campbell. Vegfest was an incredible experience. There were speakers like Dr. Michael Greger author and founder of the website, Nutritional Facts. He mostly focused on the nutritional benefits and values of eating vegan or vegetarian. Dr. Campbell’s book is also about the long term health benefits of a vegan or vegetarian diet on weight loss as well as nutritional values. But there were also venders with loads of tasty treats and samples to try were there as well.

So naturally I jumped in with both feet and became vegan right away. I didn’t try incorporating tofu and more greens into my diet and then slowly fade out the meat. Having dairy only on occasion. Nope, I went right for it. Over time my diet has come to resemble something more of a vegetarian diet, where I mostly still cook vegan for myself and will sometimes eat vegetarian while I’m out. Because it’s not always easy finding vegan restaurants or restaurants that cater to vegan cuisine. But I haven’t nor will I ever eat meat again. For me it has a lot to do with environmental impact and the health benefits. But I also understand and respect that it’s not a lifestyle for everybody. Vegan’s have gotten a bad rap for being pushy about their beliefs and I don’t want to rest in that camp.

But what is more important for me than the “right” ways to eat or the health benefits (which are important) was that I needed to set healthier boundaries with the food I was eating in general. I was drinking close to half my calories for the day in beer alone. And eating probably my full calories at dinner if I went out to eat! And that was just in one meal! The rest of the day wasn’t stellar either. All said, I’d probably eat 4.5k calories in a day with a very sedentary lifestyle. So long story short, I had zero boundaries when it came to food.

For me when I started eating vegan it was for weight loss. The health benefits were appealing but as I’ve said in my post “Search for a Blog“, my family’s values were definitely based in image centric beliefs. My mom would often call me a human garbage disposal with regards to my eating habits. And being overweight pretty much my whole life, I never felt like I belonged to my family. Not that my family were models of healthy eating habits. But I wanted to belong and I wanted to do it by looking good naked.

I still want to look good. I feel like a large part of self care is about liking who we are in that we enjoy our self projected image. But it’s sometimes difficult to draw the line on what’s healthy versus what’s unhealthy self image. Thanks largely to advertising and cultural tendencies and trends. But that’s another post for another time, maybe for somebody with a masters or doctorate in social anthropology or psychology 😀

So when I started eating vegan I found that I had to make a lot of sacrifices and find new ways and habits of eating that would allow me to achieve my desired relationship with food. Protein and iron were now on my radar as I searched food caloric nutritional values. Also scanning for proper ratios of carbs to fats to proteins. It wasn’t easy at first but I found loads of recipes on different sites that were helpful. A big shout out to The Minimalist Baker for helping me get started with vegan friendly recipes (also with nutritional breakdowns of her recipes). Otherwise I would have been eating lots of stir-fried tofu and veggies which probably would have gotten old before long.

But there are so many resources online now that it is super easy to find recipes and inspiration. Like I said above, Minimalist Baker is a good site, as well as This Rawesome Vegan Life. But you could find yourself in the same trap if you make and eat whatever you feel like eating. I was headed in that direction. By not watching my portion sizes and making a lot of sweets and and other high fat, low nutritionally dense recipes. My eating habits turned into something that resembled what I was doing before going vegan. Only I replaced meat and dairy with more nuts and seeds, loads of chocolate and sweeteners. They were all natural for the most part but I was consuming without regard to how much and eating for big flavor instead of nutritional value.

One of the reasons for going vegan was because I read somewhere, I’m not entirely sure where and please don’t quote me on this information, that if you eat a vegan, plant based diet your body naturally maintains a low ratio of body fat to muscle. But this only pertains to a healthy plant based diet high in whole, nutrient dense foods and low in sweeteners and highly fatty processed foods. This was something I was disregarding.

My health goals now are to get to a certain body fat percentage. Mostly because I want to see if I’m able but with my lifestyle changes being so drastically different from the ways I used to be, not only my eating habits but also running and yoga, I think it’d be nice. For at least once in my lifetime to see the best version of myself in regards to fitness levels and a healthy diet.

I’m sure some of my drive to achieve my health goals stems from being called a human garbage disposal when I was young. But regardless of the past I believe there’s a part in all of us that wants to see the best versions of ourselves. This brings me to the other side of the boundaries coin, the need to achieve beyond what might be healthy.

I was married once to a woman who told me that I became obsessed with things. Hobbies or ideas that I would find interesting. And she was right. I would follow my interests almost to the point of obsession. If I started brewing beer, I had to grow my own hops, brew three batches at a time and know as much as I could about every aspect of the process. If corralled this could be a useful trait. But left unchecked it can become, well unhealthy obsession.

This could be dangerous when applied to food or exercize, and detrimental to health as well. If we set our boundaries too rigidly then something like cutting calories can lead to malnutrition. Things such as loss of bone density and lower immune system function can happen in drastic cases . Exercise done to the point of exhaustion can lead to injury. And if our habit is to push ourselves to persist through minor injuries we run the risk of doing serious damage to our bodies.

So regardless of our health goals it’s important to not only reign in over consumption, but to check aggressive fitness goals as well. Because finding the right balance of how you take care of yourself and your personal needs and how you respond to your body’s limits is important. As well as your expectations and how you get there are so important for the intentions we set on how we want to live our lives and be the healthiest versions of ourselves. And as a good friend of mine says, Jay Foss, host of a weekly radio show on North Shore 104.9 fm, Raising your Inner Voice, “being the best version of myself helps you to be the best version of yourself”.

I hope you find this perspective useful to some degree. Like I said in the beginning of this post, food is tough and know that you are not alone. And remember you don’t have to be so hard on yourself :] Be well, and thanks for reading.

Image Credits: Adam Sergott, Haymarket, Boston, MA