Childhood Emotional Neglect

Here’s another big topic. Childhood emotional neglect is something that has recently been on my radar. But it’s also something that, when I read about what it is and its effects, I identified with and immediately knew what it was. In the family that I grew up in, we never spoke about emotions. But what I think and feel was so damaging about this was, that when we did have an emotion openly, or displayed an emotional need, it was made known that the person having the emotion was just one more cross to be born by the other.

I would later realize that this was my parents’ inability to establish healthy boundaries around how much they are willing vs. able to give. But as a child, this sent the message that it was not okay for me to have emotions. As though my emotions were a punishment bestowed upon those who were in charge of my well being, and not an aspect of being human.

In this post I’d like to talk a little about what emotional neglect looked like growing up in my family in action. And ways that I’m coming to understand what happened to me and how I’m healing from it. Here’s a link to the site that sparked the inspiration for this post. And also, I’m not a professional, these are only my experiences and opinions. If you’re experiencing difficult emotional states, speaking with a trusted professional therapist or counsellor is advisable.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

When I was a child, what I remember most about my family was, that they had one look, one affect. And it was of disapproval. Seldom did my family look on one another with loving and caring gazes. If I was happy, I would get a tentative look in response. As if to say, “I see you’re happy, but are you really happy?” And on top of the confusion of not understanding my family’s responses and lack of mirroring to my emotions, I felt as though there was something wrong with me.

Their constant, judgmental stares reinforcing my deficiency in some way. So every time I had an emotion, I felt compelled to seek my family’s approval. “Is this right? Am I feeling this right?” was how I felt most of the time, in regards to how I was feeling emotionally. This would also play out in my relationships with women, later on in life. More on that later. But with this type, or rather lack of mirroring of emotions, I was left not understanding how I felt about pretty much anything at any given time.

My emotional world was a confusing maze, thanks to the emotional neglect I had been through. And one I had no map to navigate. So I drifted. I floated from one relationship to the next, one set of circumstances to another, without direction. What I was looking for was a place to feel accepted and approved of mostly. I think I was also looking for someone to tell me how to feel. But that was a lesson that was still on its way.

Choosing Relationships not Knowing How I Felt About Them

Relationships are difficult to understand when you don’t know how you feel about them. The best way to describe the experience is, that I was so afraid of not belonging, being accepted, that I was in survival mode for most of my life. Fear was the number one emotion in my world, and something I knew well. So when it came to choosing a relationship, I went along with whomever was going to tell me how and who to be.

Due to my emotional neglect, I had no idea what was expected of me in a relationship. Or even more importantly, I had no idea what made me happy in a relationship. So I chose people who, in no uncertain terms, would tell me how to be accepted by them.

In these relationships, I spent a majority of my time sedated with alcohol while letting my S.O. tell me what she expected from me. I had successfully created a space where I could exist in a sort of half numb state, where I didn’t have to live my life or take responsibility for who I am or my emotions. I was so busy being what everybody else wanted of me and feeling that I was a burden in some way, that I had no idea what I was feeling emotionally or who I was like. This was confusing.

When Fear is the Glue that Binds

And what held me together in my relationships was mostly a sense of fear. Fear of being abandoned and left alone. A fear of being judged bad or not worth being with and feeling shamed for it. The emotional neglect I endured had left me feeling so much fear, that I was paralyzed in my emotional body. Frozen solid. Too afraid to wake into the reality of what my thoughts and feelings were about who I was.

This did not bode well for my relationships. I was acting against my better moral judgement by treating women like sex objects, as well as writing people off while acting incredibly arrogant. And all to make myself seem “acceptable” as a certain type of man. The type of man I had modeled for me and was suggested for me to be, when I was a child. Needless to say, the types of women I was attracting were not women who were best suited to who I actually wanted to be.

Being Sensitive as a Man in a Relationship

Because under the arrogance and pettiness, I was a super sensitive, thoughtful and caring, hopeless romantic, who was terrified of the ways I was behaving. I was rejected by my family, for who I was, so many times that I tried forcing myself to be as they implied and modeled for me. But this was also how I came to be my own abuser.

By freezing and numbing my emotions, while behaving the ways my family did that terrified me as a child, I had become my own abuser. And in turn, I chose women who craved this type of man. Emotionally neglectful and abusive. Time and time again I would choose relationships that left me feeling worse while I was in them. Too afraid to be my sensitive self due to the fear of being rejected or torn apart for having emotions that weren’t “manly”. So I numbed them to fit into the mold of who my S.O., friends and family wanted me to be.

We were repeating the patterns of emotional neglect, from my family, in my romantic relationships. All for the sake of “fitting in” with the people I had come to fear. This was unhealthy. I wish that I could say that there was a defining moment, one where I woke from this fear and started living a life more true to my emotions. But there were some dramatic events that coincided with my awakening.

Waking from the Fear & Emotional Neglect

I drifted through my relationships and most of my life, until I was married in my mid-twenties. Our relationship wasn’t terrible by any means. We were amicable to one another and pleasant most of the time. One day, my now ex-wife came to me and said that we felt more like roommates than a married couple. Looking back now, I understand more clearly what she meant. And she was correct. But I was so numb at the time, that I couldn’t tell the difference.

My family members had acted much the same way as I was acting, so it just seemed natural to me. But what I realize now, what was missing from our relationship was, a felt sense of affection for each other. Sure physical attraction, but more the type where you would lay in bed and talk and cuddle. Being open in emotions and thoughts while being physically close. What I missed when she brought this up was, that these were the questions that would have lead to more intimacy.

But I was much too scared to be intimate in relationship then. I’m only now realizing that intimacy comes after overcoming your fears of being close to another, not before. I first needed to learn to feel safe in relationships with others, before I could be intimate with another. These lessons are usually learned with family in childhood. So in order to feel safe in relationship, I went back to where it all began. To my family.

Safety with & Among Those Closest

After my divorce and the break up of the relationship which immediately followed my marriage, I had no choice but to move back in with family. What made this move so difficult was, that I had been so thoroughly neglected by this family member, I was terrified to get anywhere near them. But I stayed.

I stayed and learned how to take care of myself, but also and more importantly, I learned how to allow myself to be supported by those I was with. I had been so used to do things my way and Feeling Supported By Communicating

And it’s during these interactions where we’re collectively reversing the emotional neglect that we had all experienced in the family. The more often we connect, the more comfortable we all feel with asking each other more and more questions. In the family of my youth, there were no boundaries. Family members would root around in one another’s belongings to try to find something, anything that was being hidden from them.

It turns out that all we were hiding from each other was love and trust. What we wanted to know, we didn’t trust that the other would be honest with us if we asked. Due to us feeling as though we had to be secretive about ourselves and our emotional states for fear of being torn apart. Fast forward to family dinner Fridays and we’re communicating more open and honestly than we ever have.

We’re concerned about each others well being. We share things we find that we think will aid each other. We’re creating community by being honest and open with our emotional states. And this is what we were missing all along. Because we were too afraid to be our authentic, sometimes scared, vulnerable selves around each other, not knowing or realizing that whatever happened we would and could be there to take care of ourselves. Care we could then extend to each other.

Finding Your Connection

I recognize that my situation is unique. Not everybody can go back to a fearful place and make a fresh start. And it was a lot of hard work on my part too. It’s not as though our connection didn’t have its difficulties. But what made it possible to reconnect again was an open mind and staying in the discomfort. Knowing it’s going to be hard but staying anyways, that’s what helped us to create tighter bonds with each other.

Emotional neglect in relationships is not easy to overcome, but it’s also not impossible to either. If you’ve found yourself relating to some of what I’ve written, please seek help. Feeling alone and isolated are two major parts of emotional neglect. And the longer we live with these feelings, the more difficult it is to come back from them. Reaching out to a professional can be a great way to open the door, if only a little bit, to start letting people in again.

Because it is in relationship where we really come alive. The love and trust that we share is life blood to our relationships. And our relationships with each other can be so rewarding. I also find that it helps to think the best of others as well. Not everybody is out for themselves. There are good people out there doing good work. It’s our job to be that person and recognize it in others. Good luck on your journey, and know that you are not alone. Peace & thanks for reading : )

Image Credits: “Broken Mirror” by Rakesh Ashok is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

“I’m Right!” How to Sabotage a Relationship in Two Simple Words

Oh man, this is a tough one. I had a problem with needing to be right, whatever the cost, whatever the circumstances. This was not a healthy way to live. I think back on it now with empathy for my younger self because of all the fear, anxiety, doubt and lack of authentic and supportive connection I had. And, it wasn’t only me who acted this way. Every person who was close to me, save for one or two friends (thanks Jon), acted and probably felt the exact same ways I did. It is and was disheartening.

In this post, I’ll be going over some of the dynamics that I was raised with around standing your ground in being right, whatever the cost. Why I felt I needed to be right, as I’ve come to understand it, and some ways in which I am learning to practice some much needed humility in my life. And with every story, there’s always a beginning. So let’s take a look at how I was taught to view being wrong.

“I’m Right, That’s the End of it!”

When I was a child, around the age of eight, I learned very quickly that the adults in my life were in charge and had no patience for having their authority questioned. As you probably know, when you’re a child, you are prone to emotional outbursts when things don’t go your way. However in my upbringing, when a child in my family had an irrational emotional outburst, we were silenced swiftly by an often times even more volatile emotional outburst by the adult.

This was frightening to a small child. And also sent the message that emotions were something that were “uncontrollable”. So, we all let our emotions take the wheel and navigated our relationships with indignant outrage with how the other people in our lives were behaving. It was all very childish and reactionary. But, we didn’t know any better.

From my experience, I felt out of control most of the time. Looking back now at my adult role models, I can see all too clearly how they were just barely holding on to what they thought was “the right way” to do things. They had small lives that they were now in charge of and without the patience necessary to cultivate strong emotional literacy and understanding. They were dealing with all of the traumas they had endured in their youth and now they were passing down this cursed family heirloom of generational trauma to us, their children. Feeling out of control is probably an understatement.

Being Right, it’s About Control

In my family, the adult was the unquestioned authority on everything. And when somebody disagreed with them and their black and white ways of handling their relationships, they would lash out in anger. In other words, they would throw a tantrum. I can look back on this with some levity now, but the reality was, that the relationships at the time were intense and terrifying.

For example, my grandfather was a six foot something German man with a voice that hit like a cinderblock when it landed. He was not somebody you wanted to be on their bad side. And he used his imposing demeanor to exact control over those who he saw as his subordinates. Which was pretty much everybody. And, he was in charge and he was always right.

I’m not writing this to demonize my grandfather. He was my first best friend and I have fond memories of being with him. But he is an excellent example of abusing his power, because of how important it was for him to be right in order to feel in control. If my grandfather said he was right, there was no question about it. You had no recourse if an injustice happened. You just had to deal with your hurt and most likely abused self on your own. No support, no comfort. Only fear. This is how you cripple a relationship, by needing to be right to feel in control.

Fear & Being Right

This drive to be right to feel in control, in my family anyway, had the effect of us feeling fearful of our belonging, our connection. If you were proven to be wrong, then those who were under the control of those who were right, had full license to abuse the other for being wrong. It was our way of exacting what little justice we could. So belonging, to us, came to mean how can we make those who say they are right, look stupid.

This, no matter how you look at it, is dysfunctional. There’s a Radiohead song, “Just” from the nineties which was popular, that amplifies the dynamic in our family.

You do it to yourself, you do
And that’s why it really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself, just you
You and no one else
You do it to yourself
” “Just”- Radiohead

We were trying to make the other person not only feel stupid, but also alone. From my perspective, I wanted the other person to feel the ways that I felt that the other person was making me feel. Revenge for what was being done to me. And I was angry about it. But what age has taught me, is that most likely everybody else in the family was also feeling this way. Or at least in close proximity to how I was feeling. We were all just too proud and arrogant to show it.

Arrogance & Nursing the Wounds

This is where the disconnection happened, for me for sure. I was hurt. We were all hurt by each others words. If it was one thing my family did well, it was making another person feel close to worthless, using our words as weapons. This was something that I practiced as often as I was in relationship, and it led to a lot of hurt feelings. I’ve said before on this blog that my moto in my early twenties was, “bridges are for burning.” But with the wake of hurt and abused feelings I left, it’s no wonder I was running from relationships every time one came into my life. Add to that the amount of abuse I endured and it’s amazing that I’ve come this far in reconnecting.

But we’ve all got some wound to nurse. And for whatever reason, like a wounded, wild animal, we feel we need to run and hide to tend to our wounds, instead of connecting with each other to heal. Tara Brach put it best when she said, “we were wounded in relationship, and we heal in relationship.”

This makes perfect sense to me now, but when you’re encapsulated by the fear we were using to control one another, it’s difficult to see. Especially when it means being vulnerable to a person who could possibly do more harm to us. This is why it’s important to find someone or a group of people who are safe to be be around.

Finding Your Tribe

In order to heal from this type of isolation and relational abuse, we first need to feel safe. Safety for me meant being alone for a while. I was so used to living life by trying to fit in with what was expected of me, that I had no idea how abused I felt or was. I was so numb from abusing my emotions and having them be abused, that I completely lost touch with who I was. No bueno. So in order to feel safe and start a fresh, I spent some time on my own.

Then, as I began to treat myself with care and respect, I understood what it meant to feel again. Slowly at first, but as time progressed, I was able to reconnect with others again. Only this time, I did so with caution. I vetted my friendships this time on shared common interests and whether or not the person was kind. The relationships I used to seek were based on the above cycle of abusing the other and calling it teasing, or all in good fun. Now I have a handful of thoughtful and kind friends. People who I know have my best interests at heart. And that feels good : )

Finding Friends

And what I’ve found most refreshing about this new way of connecting is, people who have similar dispositions tend to find each other. A few weeks ago I was in a yoga class at my local YMCA and I met a guy who seems to be a lot like me in many ways. Even temper, thoughtful and nice. Seems like he could be a good friend. And there are all sorts of ways to meet new people.

My parents are really into geology. They take field trips to old mines and literally mine for mineral specimens. This is something that I’m not interested in, but every time they go, they have a new story about somebody they know or met while at the dig. So if you’re into something, say a hobby like hiking, maybe head over to Meetup and find out what’s happening local to you.

And it’s important to stress that if you’ve had historically abusive relationships, seek professional help from a trained therapist or counsellor. I am not a therapist and therefore cannot give advise on how to heal from past abuse. These are only my experiences. And I can say from what I’ve been through, that the aid of a therapist has helped me exponentially with my relationships.

Putting Yourself Out There

There was a clothing line in the nineties, that was popular in my high school, No Fear brand clothing. I don’t remember the actual iconography of the shirts, but I remember the sentiment: real men have no fear. This is a completely unrealistic way to view fear and emotions in general.

There’s a Mark Twain quote that I have on a mug which I bought from the museum in his former house and I have as wallpaper on my phone: “courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” I love this quote, because it reminds me that, yes, there will be times I will be afraid. This is okay. In fact, it’s normal. My job then is to not let the fear stop me from doing what I desire most.

This is what I believe is what’s stopping us from, as the phrase goes, “putting yourself out there”. The fear of connection is real and scary. I’m sure it’s different for every person as well. I can say from my experience, it was the fear of being in an abusive form of relationship. But we need to overcome that fear. As I said above, finding loving and supportive people, including a therapist or counselor, are at the core feeling safe enough to overcome the fear of connecting in a safe way. Feeling at ease with and around others, is the first step to learning to trust people to be kind again. So find that safety and you’ll find those connections.

And Don’t Forget Humility

This is no easy task when you’ve been guarded for fear of being rejected. For me, I was so used to putting up the, “strong” persona, the “everything is fine”, front that I forgot what it felt like to actually be fine. My pretending to be fine took the form of over-the-top, egotistical statements. Of course, I didn’t believe any of what I was projecting. I did so to compensate for my lack of feeling as though I was acting how others expected me to act in order to feel belonging. In short, no bueno.

So practicing humility for me, is a way to not only build myself up, but also those around me as well. For example, I make it a point to point out when somebody is doing an excellent job with whatever they are doing. Commenting on specifics about why they’re excelling. And if someone compliments me, I usually reply with, “thanks, we’re great”. I turn it around to focus on how we are working well together. Because it’s about us, not just one person.

Maybe I’m Wrong…

But I think it’s okay to accept that we’re not perfect. Release the idea that we can control how other people see us and just be. It isn’t the easiest form of self expression. Sometimes we just want to bury our heads in the sand and go along with whatever is popular. But is that right? Is that who we really are? My take is no, it isn’t.

So being ourselves really starts with accepting ourselves as we are. Not perfect, not always right and not always in control. Once we let go of these ideas, being ourselves is so much easier. So find that support. Rely on others and maybe more importantly, rely on your imperfect self. It’s okay, you’ll do just fine. Peace & thanks for reading : )

Image Credits: “Scatter Brained and Broad Minded” by DeeAshley is licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Giving & Taking: When to Draw Boundaries Around How Much of Ourselves We Feel We Need to Give

Knowing how to draw boundaries around how much of ourselves we feel we need to be giving is a loaded topic for many. This was one of the chief concerns in my family growing up and something that, thanks to the help of my therapist, I recently got a much needed new perspective on. In this post, I’ll be going into the different aspects of giving and receiving in relationship, especially with those who are closest to us, and how giving too much of ourselves can put a strain on all of our relationships. Also, I’ll be adding a few tips at the end to help forge some new boundaries. Hopefully, we can break some of our old patterns and start a new.

Guilt & Feeling a Burden for Simply Being

In my family, doing for others was something that brought up a lot of resentment. It seemed that anytime something was needed of another, there was usually an accompanying, cutting comment that came with the chore. Regardless of how small the task, or if it was even difficult, whomever was asking was made to feel a burden to the other. It was second nature to us. It was our way of acknowledging that the other had a need or needed support.

But what made this so insidious was, that these comments started immediately upon entry into our family. Imagine being 5 years old and hearing the resentment in your parent’s voice as they responded to you after you asking them for something as simple as a snack. I was barely old enough to open the fridge, let alone make something to eat for myself! But whatever the request was, the reactions were the same. The roll of the eyes and incredulously, indignant sigh while they begrudgingly lifted themselves up to attend to whatever task was being asked of them.

The term martyr was used liberally around our household to describe someone who thought they were doing too much. Usually said with venom. As if to say, “you think you’re doing a lot! Take a stroll in my shoes!” And most of the time, the “martyr” was only setting a boundary around what they were willing to do. Even as I’m typing this post, I felt guilty about typing the words “willing to do”, in stead of, capable of doing. Because in our family, if you were able to do what was asked, it was expected of you to do what was asked. Your will didn’t even enter the equation. And this mentality, breeds resentment around something as simple and possibly joy inducing as giving. So why were we so venomous towards one another? If all we wanted was to feel accepted and loved? Because our self worth hinged on how much we were doing for one another.

Self Worth & Value

In my family, we definitely had a lack of self esteem. We were always so uncertain of how we stood in each others regard. We seldom received positive feedback or reinforcement, so we were usually looking to gain some social capital in the family. One of the ways we did this was by doing things for one another. However, we were all so self-conscious about how we were perceived by the other. And with no one being brave enough to tip our hands, to show our true feelings, that even when we did something from a sincere place, we wouldn’t know because we were always so guarded.

With all of this uncertainty, it’s no wonder why we were so resentful of each other! We inevitably drifted further and further apart from the thousand tiny wounds we inflicted on one another. Our surroundings grew cold and void of affection, with fear and resentment residing in their stead. As Melba would say, it was “no easy”.

What is most difficult about how we ended up, is that we were once close. I can remember large family gatherings where children, me being among them, would run wild while the family humming in the background preparing meals and watching games. It was nice, comforting. We felt connected and vital. And all it took to rent our family apart was to hide our emotions from one another in an attempt to feel more needed and loved by the other. All because we didn’t feel we had self worth apart from somebody else’s opinion of us. Or what we were capable of doing for them. That and a fair amount of shared family trauma. So if we were so hurt by one another and all we wanted was to feel appreciated, why did we not just say what we needed from each other? Why hold our feelings so close in? I believe this was for fear of being seen as weak.

Fear of Exposing Our Weaknesses

It blows my mind to think how unforgiving we were in my family. To think about how we viewed our vulnerabilities as weaknesses to be routed out makes me wince a little. And in our family, giving was seen as a strength. But only because we made it known how much of a burden we were taking on by giving ourselves so “selflessly” for the other’s benefit. This was how we turned asking for help, into a weakness. Something to be ashamed of. Or, at least that’s how I felt.

And of course, this is something that is perpetuated in the culture. With role-models such as Rambo, The Terminator, Taylor Durden, John Wayne… the list goes on. But with role-models like these, it’s hard to escape the message that strength is the absence of vulnerability. However misguided that message is.

And just because we pretended that we don’t have our vulnerabilities, doesn’t mean that they are not there. But we pretended and covered them over whenever they would inevitably show themselves. And for what? To cover up the fact that we felt flawed because we didn’t feel accepted or acceptable. By ourselves or by the other. So how do we break this cycle? How do we find the strength that isn’t based in how much of a burden we can take on by giving ourselves to the point of emotional burnout? I think some of the answer lay in how we take care of ourselves.

Learning to Give & Set Boundaries Around how Much We are Giving After Not Knowing How to Give

Setting boundaries around what we’re willing to give is tricky business. Saying no to a task or a need is tough enough when you truly want to be helpful. Add guilt or feeling like your worth hinges on whether or not you say okay and it’s paralyzing. I used to be in the camp of not doing anything for anybody. Of course, I could barely take care of my own needs, let alone help someone with theirs. But I was also taught this sort of, lived helplessness by those who were constantly doing for me.

So it was a double edged sword. I didn’t know how to do for myself due to those who were taking care of me never showing me how. Maybe they did this for fear of feeling less valuable if I was independent. Though when I asked for something, a need to be met, they made me feel as though I was a burden for asking. So when I struck out on my on, I had no life skills or self esteem from feeling like a burden for so long. I didn’t even know how to ask for the help I needed, for the life skills I didn’t know I didn’t have. It was a difficult first few years for sure.

I don’t like to think how long I floated along in life before I realized I was lacking these essential skills. But regardless, I came to a place where I now understand and appreciate giving and what others give to me. But, like with all of the other areas in my life, I needed to set some boundaries around what I gave.

When is it too Much?

When I woke from the trance I had been under, things began to change rapidly for me. For the first time in my life, I understood and appreciated the sacrifice that those supporting me were making on my behalf. It felt good, knowing that I have this support, but also as though I needed to express my gratitude more often. And for me, acts of service is one of my main love languages. So giving for me can quickly turn into spreading myself too thin.

I need to keep an eye on how much of my time I’m giving, so I don’t over commit myself. Because this will lead to me burning out. I mainly do this by keeping a to-do list in my bullet journal, with a calendar for the next three weeks opposite my list. This way, I can allocate tasks to days on my calendar and check in on my progress.

Also, I need to keep an eye on whether the other person even wants what I’m offering or doing for them. I’ve often times found myself thinking that I’m “helping” someone with a great idea I’ve had, only to realize that they were just fine with the way things were. This is an embarrassing situation to find yourself in, so it’s best to read the room before you jump in!

Have a Conversation

This seems like a no brainer, but talking to those who are closest to you is what’s most helpful in finding out what they need. It’s also a way for you to set the tone of the relationship. As a child, I was sent the message that communication in all its forms, especially around my needs, was dangerous. Dangerous in that simply asking for something, however small, threatened my very belonging to those who cared for me.

But by asking those who you are close with what they need or what you can do to make life easier for them, you’re sending the message that, as a friend of mine used to say, “I’m here, I care.” And something so simple as having the coffee ready for your partner in the mornings because they told you they don’t feel as though they have enough time in the mornings, sets the tone for a more stress free environment. It’s these small gestures, done with love that cultivates feelings of acceptance and appreciation.

And talking about our needs also brings with it feeling heard. Something that is in short supply from my experience. I know this to be true for me, that sometimes I feel so focused on my goals, or the task in front of me, that I forget that one of the simplest gifts we can be giving one another is our time and attention. To really listen to what someone is telling us and respond in authentic and caring ways. Never underestimate the power of feeling heard and seen.

Healthy Give & Take

With the holidays around the corner, there’s no better time to jump in and practice setting some boundaries around what we’re capable of giving to each other. If you’re anything like me, you like to go all out in the gift giving department. Maybe this year, take a step back. Take a look at what you’ve done in the past and how it’s made you feel. Do you dread the holidays? Does it feel as though you’re the one who who is consistently giving directions and planning events? Maybe do some more delegating this year. Take a look at you’re budget and try to stick to it better when purchasing gifts.

And while you’re reigning in your spending and the time you’re spending on various projects, don’t forget to take some time for yourself. Treat yourself to a bath during the week. Or a special meal. Something that will bring you sense of ease and peace. Because there’s no point in fostering a healthy and happy relationship, if you’re making yourself miserable in the process. Peace : ) & thanks for reading.

Image Credits: “Give, take ‘n share” by Funchye is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

Contempt & Pride: Relationship Destroyers

I’ve been thinking about the quality of my relationships lately and have come to the conclusion that they need some work. Actually, I don’t have many relationships. This realization left me feeling angry and sad. While I was thinking about what the root of the problem was, pertaining to my lack of relationships, I’ve finally decided that contempt, pride and hyper critical judgements were the foundation of most of my old relationships. From romantic to friendships to familial, most shared contempt as being their foundational element.

The Root

What sparked this for me was a dream I had recently. In the dream I was at work, which shifted to a bus stop, as is apt to happen in dreams. I was sitting next to a friend of mine, actually I believe he was my only friend, when I turned to my right and my ex was suddenly sitting next to me. We cried together, for what we shared in the past and when I looked up, there was a throng of people between us. I asked if they were going home. They looked confused as if they knew what to say, but didn’t want to reveal it to me. Then they vanished.

I knew in my dream what my old partner wanted to say, but was to proud to admit their feelings of vulnerability. I understand that this is only a dream. And most likely my subconscious processing some old emotions. But this interaction played out a thousand times in our relationship and in our daily interactions. Both of us too proud to show our true emotions to one another for fear of being vulnerable with one another.

As to where I learned to hide my vulnerabilities from those closest to me, this was the type of relationship that I had modeled for me by my family when I was a child. The same was also the case with my ex. We were just too proud to be open with our emotions in one another’s presence. And this type of holding back, from my experience, breeds contempt.

Contempt Ends Relationships

My family members are experts in this way of being in relationship. I especially was adept at using contempt to cover over my vulnerability and to distance myself emotionally from those closest to me. But to be fair, we were so mean to one another, that it felt crazy to want to get close to anybody else. Especially after the damage we had already caused. Why would we want to go back for more of the same?

The result? We lived isolated lives with few, if any, friends we could rely on for emotional support. We had been so emotionally damaged by one another, that we were unable and unwilling to connect. Or to even know what a healthy relationship looked like. In this climate, it is nearly impossible for a relationship to grow. In fact, our family is just now starting to reconnect after decades of our fields being left fallow. And that’s only after doing a tremendous amount of work on ourselves.

So the next question I asked myself was, if we are looking to be loved by our family and friends, why are we so mean to one another? I believe that most of us are looking to feel a sense of belonging to something larger than just ourselves. Usually that type of belonging comes from our immediate family. So if we want to feel loved by each other, then why are we pushing each other away? For me, I think it has to do with survival.

Surviving Our Closest Relationships

What I remember growing up, more than any other type of connection was, a hyper critical environment. No matter what I was doing, it was never good enough and there was always some cutting remark to be made at my expense. How did I respond to this? By raising the standard so high, that nobody would be able to achieve it. Especially those judging me.

This was how I learned to put distance between me and those who were looking to hurt me. This was my way of surviving in a loveless, hostile environment. My reasoning being, if you couldn’t meet my standard, I could look down on you with contempt. That way I could feel superior than those I was judging, while keeping my distance. However, this did not work.

What happened in reaction to what I was doing was more of the same. They would in turn raised the bar even higher than I had. And I in turn would raise it again. All the while all of us looking down on each other with contempt. This was a viscous cycle that continued until someone would have the strength to break free and change the course of our trajectory.

Changing Course

As I’ve said above, this isn’t easy. When I decided I no longer wanted to live a life where I was cutting people out, I realized I had already cut almost everybody out of my life. This is where it got tough. To look back at all the relationships I had and look for what was salvageable. And there was a lot of wreckage.

As a testament to how I was living, there are many people who, to this day, refuse to talk to me. These include almost everybody I would have considered my close friends and romantic partners. But I take solace in knowing that the relationships weren’t 100% my responsibility and there for not completely my fault.

Taking Your Half

This is something my father says often when talking about blame in relationships. Take your half. Half the blame, half the resentment, half the contempt… Whatever negative feelings you’re experiencing, know that it isn’t entirely your fault.

I came to this realization a little late in the game. The realization I came to recently was, that every loving relationship that I had with somebody close, that had ended in some big way, the number one take away for me was, it was my fault. I was so used to being abandoned by those closest to me, that I just began to think that it was me who was worth leaving. This however is not the case.

The more I thought about the disintegration and breakdown of my major relationships, the more I recognized that there was a pattern in the people who were doing the breaking up. Sure, I played my part, but the other halves in my relationships were unwilling to take responsibility for their part in our breakdown.

We were unforgiving and intolerant of each other due to the thousand tiny cuts we endured, which breed contempt for one another. So when it came down to whether we were able to forgive each other, the answer was a resounding no. Or at least that’s what it seems like from my perspective. Because it was never my intention to leave any of these relationships. I was the one being left.

Forgiveness & Mending the Pain

Forgiveness is something that I am recently coming to understand as a virtue. Historically, forgiveness has not been something that I’ve ever practiced. I would hold people to their actions and misdeeds and use it against them to apply pain or make someone feel guilty. I did this because it was what was modeled for me, but also because, it’s all I knew.

All of my friends, family and partners had a zero tolerance policy when it came to making mistakes. We were expected to be more than human in our relationships. I think this has to do with how high we were setting the standards, in order to feel superior to those trying to get close to us. This left no margin for error and anything short of perfection was unacceptable.

This was most prevalent in my family growing up, but it also translated to my romantic relationships as well. In one relationship, something had happened to wake me from my emotional cocoon. From the numbness I was living under for two decades. While I was waking to these new emotions, I had no idea what was happening. For scope, imagine being 32 years old and feeling accepted and understood for the first time since you were 8 years old, after experiencing a life’s time worth of traumatic events.

Putting Forgiveness into Practice

I was terrified. Realizing I was living life in a state of numbness and waking into the full spectrum of my emotional world was overwhelming. This is where I had began to make some bad decisions. But when it came down to making a choice, when I confronted my then partner with what was happening to me and what she wanted to do, she chose to leave. Like everybody else before her. She chose to avoid confronting the real work that needed to be done. Later I would try to run to Maine to start a blueberry farm for her, but that’s another story all together.

And it’s important to note that this isn’t a soapbox for me to hop on some high moral ground. I made my share of mistakes, that’s for certain. And I’m not trying to say that my ex didn’t have a difficult decision to make. But when it came to practicing forgiveness, something she would say we needed to do often, she was unwilling to.

And again, I know that this isn’t easy work. It’s one thing to look back on what we have done and criticize ourselves for not doing the right thing with the luxury of time and perspective. But when we’re caught in the moment and the emotions are so big that we can’t see our way out of them, it’s not so easy to see things rationally. So how do we get to a place where we can practice forgiveness? Even if it’s been something we’ve been avoiding for a very long time? Practice.

Practice, Practice, Practice

I know what’s true for me, is that contempt came easy because it was what I practiced. Everyday, while I was interacting in my relationships, I was practicing distancing myself from others by feeling contempt for them. So the antidote to that? Practice forgiveness.

For me, I started by getting in touch with the people that I had lost contact with. This was no easy task. And I should say that I didn’t go into the reconnection with an air of needing to forgive the other. That in itself can be arrogant. My main intention was to open up to the other. To let them know that, as a friend of mine used to say, “I’m here, I care.” And also because we were friends once. I genuinely want my friends to be happy and successful.

Though my intentions are good, they weren’t always met with warm regards. One person that hurt me particularly badly responded with, “blow it out your ass.” Something I can laugh about now, but it still doesn’t stop me from worrying about them from time to time. Which brings me to another facet of practicing forgiveness, humility.

Being Humble

This wasn’t so easy for me to practice. I was over the top with my machismo attitude and posturing. I wanted to be seen as in charge and beyond reproach. This goes hand in hand with me setting the bar too high to be questioned about my own actions. This was also my way of distancing myself from others. But it did little in the way of making me a strong individual.

My past self would hold on to the smallest insults. Blowing them way out of proportion and find ways to retaliate to make the other person feel small. But this made me aggressive and petty. Also unable to truly withstand the little blows that life dealt me.

What practicing humility means for me is, sitting inside of the discomfort of somebody else’s hurtful comments without reacting emotionally. It’s here that I’m able to release these emotions and let them pass without looking for some way to bolster my hurt ego. From this calm place, it is easier to find forgiveness.

So my friends, here is where I leave you. If you’re like me and have more than a few relationships in critical condition, know that it’s not too late. You can still work to reconnect and salvage some of those friendships. You won’t save them all, but that’s okay too. Take what you can from the experience and know that there are more likeminded people out there to meet still. Good luck, peace & thanks for reading.

Image Credits: “Broken heart” by bored-now is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0.

Minimalist: Knowing When We Have Too Much of Something

I often wonder how to cut down on my consumption of products. I like the idea of being a minimalist, but this doesn’t show itself in practice. For example, I was sorting through my recipes recently, when I realized that I have a lot. About 260 recipes in all and that’s not including the recipe websites I have book marked! I only make a handful of these recipes regularly, seeing as how I’m on a budget until I pay off my student loans. The plan is, to start rotating in new recipes when I’m able to spend a little more money on my food budget. Because when I was buying whatever I wanted, to make my meals, I was spending upwards to $700 a month 0.o No bueno. But looking at all these recipes has me wondering, where is the limit? When have I amassed too much of something?

When is Enough Stuff, Enough

Amassing things is something I’m good at doing. I’m not alone, to be sure, but still, it leaves me feeling a little guilty. I love the feeling of a clean, well organized and open area. But most of the time this is not how my space looks. Some of this is not my fault. I currently live with my father and step-mother, who also have a habit of collecting things. And I don’t feel as though it is my place to dictate how things should be handled as far as the daily maintenance of the household and collection of stuffs is concerned.

I do however want to do my part to chip in and help keep our shared spaces clean and decluttered. This is something I’m really good at. This was a trait I picked up from my mother, who excels at all things cleaning. Though I must say, that she, like myself, can take it to the extreme. I think this is where the idea of wanting to be a minimalist comes into play. But in between my cleaning binges, I’m really good at collecting items that I have a plan for at some later point in the future.

Or, the things I need to sort through get put to the side because I need a chunk of time to execute my project. Time that I just don’t have. This is usually due to over committing myself to projects, or being too ambitious with my plans. In both cases, the result is the same. I keep putting off the projects I want to get done.

Sort Through Your Basement

An extreme example is, I’ve been putting off going through the stuff from my last apartment that has been taking up space in my basement for the better part of a decade. No bueno. There are some items I want to keep, but I feel that most of the things I own, I’m going to donate. And in my attempt to be as sustainable as possible, my plan is to list everything on a site like “Offer Up“.

This way I feel a little better about not dumping a pile of stuff in a landfill some where. But this also requires me to, take photos of all my stuff, create a sellers account, list items with descriptions, then keep an eye on my inbox for potential interested parties. This, with all of my other obligations and commitments, just seems a little too much.

However, in the spirit of being a minimalist, I DO want to do this as sustainably as possible. So where is the balance? How do I achieve my goals without killing myself in the process? And if you’re like I am, when you go, you go hard. I think the answer is in something that my father tells me all the time, but I was too busy doing to stop to listen.

Go Slow, One Thing at a Time & It’ll Get Done

This is some basic advice that I was just unwilling to accept. However, while I was growing up, I was often told I was lazy. I was already having a difficult time feeling belonging, so I thought that if I worked myself to death, then I’d gain the approval I was searching for. This, however, did not go as planned. I ended up pushing myself past my physical limits as well as setting my standards too high. In short, I was a mess.

Since moving in with my father, a part of me was resentful of how little he seemed to do during the day. He was retired, which in my mind and my upbringing dictated, that he has a whole day to be “productive”. Something my family valued more than most things. This was a lesson I was taught from an early age. Being productive meant gaining approval. But there are a few things that I’ve learned that aren’t healthy about this statement.

When I stopped to listen to my father, I learned that he had done the exact same thing that I was doing. Only he was going harder than I was. Sure, I was working six days a week at two jobs to pay off my loans. But my father was working seven days a week under more difficult conditions than I was. This was an eye opener.

At one point, he said he was rushing around waiting on three people at a time when he realized that he was making mistakes and feeling like no matter what he did, how hard he worked, he was never going to meet the mark. That’s when he decided that he was going to slow down and take it, “one person at a time, they will wait”. And it’s true. People will wait. So will our tasks. And this is where our actions meet the minimalist ideal. We just need to give ourselves the permission to slow down and feel uncomfortable that others are waiting on us. And extend this mentality to all our tasks. One thing at a time.

You are Not How Much You Produce

In my family, on my mother’s side, we are constantly on the go. In a state of perpetual motion. It’s kind of amazing to watch actually. For example, my mother knows how to pack a day so full, that there is no down time. Every moment is filled with some errand or project that needs doing. This usually translated into some sort of shopping trip or returning bought goods to stores. This is how I learned not to be a minimalist. By filling my down time with shopping trips and projects, labeling them as “being productive”.

The more we felt we needed to do, the more items we consumed. The tenants of being a minimalist weren’t even on my radar when I was taught these lessons. And they sure weren’t on my family’s either. But if we stopped for long enough to see what we were doing, why we were so focused on buying things to feel productive, we may have realized that we were really running from our fear of not being approved of. And in a way, by stopping long enough to see we are running from our emotions, we become task minimalists. Taking control of our time and relieving the stress that comes with a super busy day.

Relaxing in the Face of Rejection

If you’re seeking approval through you’re productivity, then you have to keep producing to feel approved of. This is not sustainable. But learning to relax in the aftermath of learning that you are not how much you produce, can feel overwhelming. This was/is something I struggle with. I often feel guilty if I’m not being productive for fear of being seen as lazy.

So the first step is to relax. Let go of your to-do list. This is at the heart of being a minimalist and this will look a little different for everybody. But I’ve come to know it as self-care. I recently read an article from The Good Trade that has labeled this type of relaxing as slow living. I agree with them in what the article lays out as a practice for being kinder to ourselves through going slow, though disagree that the term “self-care” has become “meaningless” according to their article. Either way, they have some great points.

Mostly about cutting out the things we’re over committing ourselves to. This falls in line with my minimalist ideal while, as the article says, freeing up time to pursue the things and hobbies that really matter to you. And this falls in line with my dad’s saying, “one thing at a time.” Letting go of the guilt, of feeling like you’re letting someone down by not being as productive as you feel you should be and take your time doing your tasks. The benefits? You’ll get more done, probably faster than if you’re trying to multitask and make fewer mistakes as well.

Boundaries With What We’re Planning & Reigning in Our Emotions

And once we learn how to slow down our impulse to produce and gage what’s truly important to us, we can start to embrace the minimalist ideals by decluttering some of the things we’ve been collecting. For me this means being able to step into my basement and get the urge of wanting to organize everything, all at once, under control. It’ll get done, one thing at a time.

I recently had another experience with wanting to plan out my future all at once when I was looking at the types of houses that are available for me to build. I was looking at photos of “pole barn houses”, as they are a more affordable option in building your own home.

Interior of a Pole Barn Home from: Taglevel.com

As I was looking at the photos and texting with a friend who is also in the same place as me in wanting their own home, I started to feel the excitement of the possibility of building my own home. It felt like a pent up energy, of wanting to accomplish something. As I was getting excited, I kept opening more browser tabs and before I knew it, I had ten open tabs and was looking on Pinterest while texting with my friend. I was working myself up, not realizing that I needed to slow my roll a little.

Then I stopped. I recognized how I was feeling at that moment, of being swept away in the emotion, and gave myself the permission to not have to figure it all out then and there. And it kind of felt as though I was being bullied by my emotions a bit. As though my emotions were in control of what I SHOULD be doing. This carried undertones of how my family used to handle their emotions. A legacy I do not want to carry with me into my future.

Be Patient & Know That it Takes Practice

That being said, it took a while for me to get to a place where I could be patient with my emotions. In the past I would react to my emotions almost immediately. This made for some uncomfortable situations. But allowing yourself the space between your initial emotional wave and the actions you take, you’ll find the emotions are easier to handle.

Slowing down helps with this process. I cut down on my caffeine intake drastically. This helps me to stay in my emotions while listening to another’s point of view. This is critical for people feeling as though they are feeling heard. Because if you don’t feel as though you are being heard, that’s when the emotions start flaring up.

And in the spirit of being a minimalist, the simpler the conversation, the more likely everybody will feel heard. This is how we stay open, slow down and take things one step at a time. There’s no need to rush to feel approved of. We’re already enough. Peace : ) & thanks for reading.

Image Credits: “A pile of stuff that wants to become a kitchen” by siepert is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0.

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