In the environment I grew up in, when you had a disagreement with someone, it was taken personally. It was difficult to have your own opinions in my family. For some reason, our opinions had to be right. And more to the point, others had to agree with us and our opinions. There was so much fear around not being seen as being right, that it dominated all of our interactions. That’s what I’d like to take a look at in this post. About how our feelings of belonging are connected to the ways we feel we have to act during a disagreement in order to feel loved.
What’s Between Us and Feeling Loved?
In my past experience, disagreements were usually events filled with all sorts of negative emotions. Resentment being one, along with anger and feeling hurt. No wonder we didn’t want to be wrong. Who would if it constantly brought up these difficult emotions. But there in lies the problem: we’re not always right. Nor do I want to be. Where would the spontaneity be, the fun and the surprise?
But when you see being right as the gateway to your belonging, that’s when we begin to grasp at what will help us feel a sense of that belonging. Because in our situation, we took it personally when we had a disagreement. There was no middle ground or conceding to the other. We were thinking in black and white terms. Feeling as though we had to be right and the other had to be wrong.
And what followed was a false sense of security. Of feeling righteous in our rightness while the other was left to lick their wounds. So with all this adversity, we kept each other at a distance. We were either ashamed of our feeling wounded by being wrong, or wanted to bask in our rightness while the other felt inferior. This was no bueno for sure.
Being Wounded by Disagreement Meant Feeling Unloved
And this was where we learned to feel unlovable. The constant wounding and retreat from each other left us all fearful. Unwilling and scared to connect to one another because we had no healthy ways of doing so. We would numb our feelings with alcohol while we were together, but we were still tearing everybody around us down. And the numbing would only work for so long as we were drinking. We would eventually have to confront the wounds we had inflicted and had endured during our connecting and disagreements.
We only got together on the holidays, because we were too afraid to feel the hurtful ways of connecting that were inevitable when we got together. An extreme example of this is when I was kicked out of my house at 19. There was no one disagreement that triggered my expulsion, but I believe this was a direct result of us being too frightened of coming to terms with all the damage we had done to one another through the years. All the wounds from our traumatic ways of disagreement with each other were left to fester. And we just weren’t strong enough to feel the hurt that had been building.
This Lead to Isolation and Numbing Our Pain
As I’ve said above, we isolated from one another. Then we numbed the pain of feeling lonely. Instead of trying to reach out and understand each other’s pain, we drank because it was easy. Looking back now, there was nothing easy about all the pain we were trying to cover over. Managing that amount of hurt was a fulltime job. And we were constantly feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the task.
But we kept going because it was all we knew. We never learned the language of our own, or each other’s emotional experiences. It was a place we were unwilling to go because it was too raw.
So we spent a lot of our time hiding from one another. But as the old adage says, the way out is most definitely through. Through the wounds unattended, the fear of betrayal, the insecurity from disagreement and ridicule it inevitably brought. There were loads of reasons to hide. But what takes true strength and courage is to sit with the fear. Feel what we were unwilling to feel. It’s then that, as Mark Twain put it, and I’m paraphrasing, that we resist the fear, master the fear.
Learning to Master Our Fear
This is something that takes a lot of strength to accomplish. And it isn’t usually a one shot. It takes lots of practice and patience. But also, and arguably most importantly, to know that you’ll come out the other side of your fear intact.
Because when you’re caught in the grip of fear, it often times feels a though that’s all there is and all that will ever be. No wonder we and so many like us choose to numb the emotion. If you’re stuck in fear and the people who are supposed to guide you out of it are the ones abusing you, then you would grasp at anything that made you feel better in the moment. Regardless of how dangerous or self destructive it may be.
Recognizing You’re Stuck & Covering Over Your Fear
And that’s where we were, for sure. In fact, everything we were doing was something that was designed to make us feel more alone, more hurt. From acting superior to the other for a quick ego boost. To the caffeine to keep us going in the morning and alcohol at night. All our ways of coping with our fear, the ways we tried to manage it, were all unsustainable.
So in order for me to recognize that we were stuck in the grip of an unhealthy fear management cycle, I had to take some time apart. And make some decisions that would have important consequences, changing my life’s trajectory.
Hard Lessons Learned
While I was in the grip of my own fear, I had set up my life as I had been shown to. Modeled for me by my family. Tearing others down to build myself up and looking for all sorts of unsustainable ways of feeling belonging. And what’s strange about this way of being is, that I surrounded myself with people who were also practicing these unsustainable ways of being in relationship.
You would think that there wasn’t enough room for all the inflated egos. But we struck a strange balance between tearing each other down and building ourselves up. It was as though we were taking turns, on a rotation. We needed the other around to tear down, so we endured being torn down ourselves. It was definitely unhealthy and maybe a little co-dependent.
A disagreement turned into attacks on our character. Which turned into a running “joke”. Everywhere you turned, there was another person waiting to say something snarky. Belittle you in some way. And these were the people I called friends.
Turning the Tables
What woke me from the fear was when I thought I fell in love with a woman. In fact, I didn’t know what I was feeling. I had been so numb from a life’s time worth of covering over hurt emotions, that I didn’t know what I was feeling at any given time. Until I became infatuated with a woman.
When we were in the infancy of our relationship, the woman I was infatuated with made some devastating decisions while drinking. After which we talked about quitting drinking together. So I gave up alcohol for her, and she me. For a while.
I gave up drinking to numb my feelings. And still to this day only have the occasional drink. She however was unable to commit to the same level of dedication that I had committed to. We started fighting more and in the end we broke up over something that was not inconsequential, but blown out of proportion, to detract from the ways I was asking her to stay faithful to me by not drinking. One disagreement lead to another and by the time I realized what had happened, I was being asked to leave.
Waking Up is Difficult
And yeah, it was difficult. But I’m better, stronger now for going through it. I’m building better relationships now because of it. And yeah, those relationships have there ups and downs. There are times I worry about those I work with, because I think they’re pushing themselves too hard. Or feeling like they need to get everything perfect. But I’m experiencing the relationships in the present, without hiding behind some method to alter how I feel.
A disagreement will still come up now and again. But what’s different between now and the old ways I used to view disagreement is, that I no longer feel that I’m not valued for feeling or thinking about something differently. And what’s really incredible is, I’m now able to admit when I’m wrong. Or that somebody has an idea that would work better than my own. Something I never would have thought possible only a few years ago!
Disagreement is Healthy
And finally, in case no one ever told you as I was never told, disagreement is healthy. We don’t have to agree all the time in order to get along. And agreeing is definitely not prerequisite to belonging or feeling loved.
If you were brought up in a similar situation to mine, it may be worth your while to examine your relationships. Do you feel worse about yourself after a disagreement often? Are you afraid to disagree with those who are closest? If so, why? Do you feel ashamed of being wrong or have you been shamed for being wrong. These are unhealthy ways of disagreeing.
Try taking some space from the relationships that make you feel shameful. Instead, practice being open to being wrong. Without shame or judgement, just let the idea that you are wrong at times, be. And when it comes up in your daily interactions, own it. Acknowledge that you were wrong and if applicable, thank the person for pointing it out. If you’re anything like me, it will be a difficult task at first. But for me, it got easier the more often I practiced it.
So good luck reader. As I’ve said, admitting you’re wrong and owning it can be no easy task if it’s historically gotten in the way of your feeling belonging and loveable. But know that this isn’t the case. There are people out there that are willing to build healthy relationships while still being able to tolerate a disagreement now and again. And who knows, maybe even making the relationship a little stronger in the process. Peace 🙂 and thanks for reading.
Related Reading: How to Own a Mistake