Fear is something I have plenty of, and I know I’m not alone. It comes in many different forms as well. Depending on the situation, it can range from fear for your physical security, food insecurities, living situation… The list goes on. But regardless of the source, the feelings are still the same.
It’s difficult to handle, and most of us, including myself, spend a lot of time running from it. I’ll go into a few of my fears and how I’ve run in the past. But also how I’m now learning to face my fears and become stronger for it. It’s no easy sometimes, that’s for sure. But it gets easier the more you stay with the feelings. Let’s take a look at some of the ways I used to run from my fears. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself and find comfort in knowing that you’re not alone.
The Fear & Why I Ran From It
For me, the fear is a sense that no matter what happens, I’m not going to be okay. The worry sets in and I think about the terrible consequences of whatever I’m worried about, taking up residency. The result is not ideal. And it also makes regular visits. For me, it can feel like a consistent fixture in my emotional life.
If the fear itself wasn’t bad enough, I would also worry about when the fear was going to return. This cycle would replay itself, creating fear upon fear. I’d become fearful, the fear subsided, then I get anxious about feeling that fear again. And when all the fear and anxiety became too much, I ran from it. This is what Tara Brach calls, “the second arrow”. The first is the fear and the second is worrying about the first.
I would use a myriad of methods to avoid the fear. Alcohol and pornography being my two main methods. But distractions such as T.V. were another way to avoid my emotional experience. Anyway I could numb out the discomfort I would give a try.
Running Doesn’t Work
But this never really worked for me. The fear and anxiety would consistently return. Like an old friend, I knew it’s embrace all too well. Or enough to know that I needed to pick up a drink and numb out the feelings that were too much to handle. I was drinking coffee and taking Adderall to speed past the feelings of anxiety and drinking alcohol and taking muscle relaxers to numb out the feelings I was speeding away from in the mornings. It was exhausting.
And most of my running was due to me feeling abandoned. I was left and abandoned by everybody that was close to me from a very early age. My entire family and a good portion of my friends, all my best friends and every would-be role model, all vanished like it was magic.
I would later learn to detach from others before they got too close to me. All to save myself from the pain of yet another abandonment. This was no bueno. But this way of detaching left me feeling even more lonely and still more abandoned. So by the time my marriage dissolved and the woman I thought I loved abandoned me, I knew something had to change.
Staying With The Fear
There’s a Mark Twain quote that I’ve always loved, and it’s something that I remember in times when I’m caught up in the fear. It goes, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.” This reminds me that fear is normal. It’s okay for it to be here. Only I shouldn’t let the fear control my actions.
Tara Brach has a talk about dealing with the fear in a direct way. Her method is, attend and befriend. And it’s something that has been helpful for me in my journey on healing from past traumatic events. Her message is essentially that fear is a wise emotion that’s trying to tell us something. Usually about how we’re currently in danger, or perceived danger, in some way.
For me, and I’m sure for a lot of us, the traumatic or painful events that have formed our fears, reshape themselves in current and similar situations, to try to keep us safe. Only there is no longer a need to feel fearful in our current situation. Because those old events are no longer happening.
For example my fear sometimes comes in the form of connecting with others. This was a way for me to remind myself that other people have been historically unsafe to get close to because they will end up abusing me in some way. But this isn’t true anymore. Or at least I’m able to keep myself safe now if someone does hurt me or tries to abuse me again.
Keeping Ourselves Safe
This was a big task for me. Not to mention an important skill to learn. Because I was never taught how, but also abused by those who were supposed to teach me. I was feeling pretty unsafe a good portion of the time. Especially around those closet to me. So I needed to learn how to feel at ease around others or I was going to end up leading a very isolated existence as I once had.
Learning to Trust
I first had to learn that other people are trust worthy, and generally good people. This was confusing for me. Because all the people I had around me in my early years were not only distrustful of others, but they were actively looking to take advantage of other people as well. This definitely sent me the message that people are dangerous. But also that I needed to act in the ways I had modeled for me in order to survive. I.e. mean, distrustful and to pull away from those who got too close.
To counter these old messages, I had to learn to trust and rely on others. I started small. First with those who were closest in, then extending that trust outward. I knew I could count on a handful of friends and family in the beginning. Four or five people that I engaged with regularly. This was a huge step for me and no easy task.
I was taught that since I couldn’t trust anybody, I had to do everything on my own. So relying on others for help with even the smallest of tasks was a challenge. I would make excuses for why I was doing things solo. Such as, “no-one does it as well as I do”, needing it to be perfect. Or the reverse, “can’t anybody do anything right?!” Both ways of essentially saying that I was unable to rely on others, while really just being too scared to ask for help.
On the up side, when I finally swallowed my pride and learned to ask for help, things became so much easier. I was no longer running around frantically, trying to keep all the plates I had spinning from crashing down. I was still working hard, but those I invited into my life were willing to lend a hand. And proved to work as hard as I was.
Letting Those You Trust Help
A great example of letting those I learned to trust help me is with my student loans. As I’ve said, when I came to and realized I was living a life lead by fear, I was isolated from just about everybody. I had also racked up just north of 100k in debt, 78k being in student loans. This was quite the wake up call.
So I started in on my debts using the Dave Ramsey method of throwing everything I had at my debt. This included picking up a part time job which turned into my full-time gig along the way. But with such a large sum to pay back, it seemed as though it would take a life’s time to pay back all that I owed.
So when I started the conversation with those I chose to let into my circle, I was surprised to find out how willing they were to help me out of the hole I had dug. As they saw me working to pay off my debt, a few of my supports offered to chip in 1k for every 10k I paid off. I was ecstatic to receive this news and made my efforts just that much easier knowing that I’d be finished with my goals earlier than I had planned.
And with the promising news of president Biden saying that he will make a decision about debt forgiveness by the fall of ’22, I reached out to another support who offered to chip in some as well. This was most unexpected as the relationship I have with this support has been strained in the past. But I find the more positive I am, along with the work I’m willing to put into the relationships, the more support I receive in all sorts of ways. But this type of relationship building takes work.
Working To Keep These Relationships Alive To Ward Off Fear
Many of the relationships I am currently rebuilding have sustained some pretty intensive damage in the past from both parties. As I’ve said before on this blog, we were mean. Especially towards one another. So as I was learning how to care for myself by reparenting myself around self-care, I was also extending what I learned to those I was beginning to trust.
What was never taught me, and what is probably a no-brainer to most people is, that when you’re in a relationship with others, you need to attend to it. Otherwise you will be left with something that doesn’t quite resemble connection. And definitely is void of support.
Learning to Support One Another in Relationship
For example, when I started building my relationship with my father and step-mother again, I had neglected our relationship so badly that we had almost no shared common interests and nothing to talk about. Our conversations were overly formal and guarded with very little emotional content.
As time passed, and while I was learning to trust people again, I began to include my dad and step-mom into the habits and rituals I was learning to keep for myself. One of them being my self-care dinners I make for myself once a week.
Since these dinners had been so beneficial for my well being, I decided to extend this newly developed skill in caring for myself to those I trusted. And what came from it was, family dinner Fridays. We now come together every Friday night, one person will pick a recipe to cook and we all make the meal together. The food is almost always good. The mood and interactions are definitely less formal now and we’re all enjoying not only ourselves, but the company of each other. And we feel more like a family because of it.
Ask The Friend For Love
And this type of relationship building extend to friend as well. I was recently having a conversation with a friend about how difficult it was to pay down debt when the numbers feel so large. We are both in similar situations and have been a good source of support for one another.
I was thinking about how I wanted to reach out to my friend more often, seeing as we only spoke maybe once every three weeks, when he told me that he was also feeling pretty isolated with the irregular hours he worked. Consequently having a lot of free time on his hands. I suggested that we hang out more often and he was more than happy to get together more regularly.
I had just assumed that he was busy living his own life and that if I reached out too often, I would be a burden to him in some way. This was not the case and in fact, most of my friends feel exactly the same way. So if you’re feeling as though you’re being a burden to your friends, don’t believe it! Have a conversation with them and find out how they feel before you make any judgements.
Living From A Place Of Support, Not Fear
Fear can be tricky. If we’re not careful, the fearful emotions we have will take the wheel and we’ll be in the passenger seat of our own life bus. This is how I spent a good portion of my time when it came to making decisions about the direction of where my life was heading. And it was definitely not a desirable place to be.
But when we choose to make friends with the fear, the fear of connecting to others, the fear of giving up the control of doing everything ourselves and release that isolation, we begin to heal from the fear. Like Mark Twain said, the fear is still there, only we are behind the wheel of our life bus and we can choose to let those who will support us, on for our journey and join in for some of the ride.
So fear not! Know that you are not alone and that the journey gets easier the more you’re able to let those who want to, help you. Peace, : ) and thanks for reading.
Image Credits: “O OUTRO LADO DO MEDO É A LIBERDADE (The Other Side of the Fear is the Freedom)” by jonycunha is marked with CC BY-SA 2.0.