Last week’s blog post was on how I had managed to acquire all sorts of unhealthy resources to navigate and deal with a life’s time worth of unfelt emotions. This week, I’d like to talk about some of the healthier versions of some of my old resources and new ones I’ve developed that bring me a sense of ease and calm. Get ready to feel good!
Let’s begin where we usually start our day, with coffee. As I mentioned last week, I drank a lot of coffee. This was mostly to push past the feelings of not wanting to do something, especially while I was tired. Plus, it felt good. The buzz I got from drinking lattes back to back allowed me to get a lot done in the time I had. It also, unfortunately, stopped me from thinking about the things I was doing and saying. This lead to me shirk my responsibility for being held accountable for my own words and actions. This is what I mean by letting the emotions pile up. I just never thought about them. Or just sped passed them.
So I stopped drinking caffeine for a while. But along with feeling like I was avoiding it out of fear, I did enjoy the kickstart to my morning that caffeine delivers. So I started drinking it again, only this time around in the form of tea. And I also set some boundaries around my caffeine consumption. I usually only drink two to three cups a day now. This is a vast improvement over my old habit and there’s tons of variety with all the different types of teas that are available!
If you’re into smoky things, I suggest Yerba Mate. It’s a plant native to South America that has smoky note to it. And it has less caffeine than a cup of coffee, but not by much. So if you’re looking to cut back, this may not be the best option to replace coffee with, cup for for. Other favorites of mine include, jasmine green, oolong and jade green. All having about half the caffeine of a normal cup of coffee.
They’re also great for making cold brew for the warmer weather. I usually put about four bags of tea to a gallon container and let the tea steep overnight. I remove the bags in the morning and have tea that’s ready to be iced and taken on my morning commute. So if you’re into iced beverages, this is a great option for making a large amount to drink throughout the week. If you’re in the Boston area, Mem Tea is a great place to pick up some loose leaf at a reasonable price.
As I mentioned last week, it wasn’t until I was in my early thirties that I realized that the ways I was living were not only unhealthy, but potentially very dangerous. I knew things needed to change, only I had no idea where to start. I began by looking around at who I had been looking to for guidance. Most of the people I had spent my time with I no longer spoke to. And the movies and characters I aspired to be like were self destructive. Tyler Durden from “Fight Club”, the Joker and Jim Morrison to name a few.
After I realized that I was trying to emulate the late Mr. Morrison, I knew something needed to change. So I stopped drinking alcohol. Entirely at first, but then I started to feel the same ways I did about avoiding caffeine. So I introduced it into my self-care dinner nights. Usually I would have a beer with my meal, one that I enjoyed and be present with the experience. I wasn’t trying to numb my emotions anymore by drinking too much. I felt a little relaxed but mostly enjoyed the taste and how it complimented my meal.
When I was drinking more often, I used to brew beer and it’s something I’ve been thinking of getting back into, now that I have a healthier relationship with alcohol. And what feels even better is, I know I can have a drink with a friend while I’m out and not have to worry about what I’m avoiding in myself emotionally. I can just enjoy the company of my friends while having a beer.
Along with incorporating a drink into my self-care meal, I also drink herbal teas before I go to bed now which has become a very important resource for me. Something like chamomile or another bedtime blend like this one from Allegro. And as with caffeinated teas, there are so many different types of herbal teas to choose from. I’m surprised that I ever chose to drink the few mixed drinks and beers I did.
I will usually light a few candles and sit back with my tea and relax. Or calmly plan what my upcoming day is going to look like. Put on some R&B tunes and I’m totally relaxed. It’s much easier now to manage the emotions and responsibilities I have without the fog of alcohol or medication clouding my focus. And I sleep better as well. Sure I’m still tired when I wake sometimes, but I feel more rested during the day.
Other Drink Options
When I’m not drinking tea, I’m drinking something like this golden milk recipe from Minimalist Baker. This recipe is great for getting cozy on a cold night next to a fire. Or a great compliment to a playlist you’re listening too to unwind from the day. Hot chocolate is another great option. Once you start looking, there are so many different options to choose from. I usually take some time before I go to bed, about a half hour to forty-five minutes to just be still. This is prime tea drinking time for me.
Journaling is another resource for me and a big one at that. Writing is a space where I plan out what the different areas of my life need. Or what I’m experiencing at the time. I keep a planner section. This is where I put practical information. My weekly schedule, todo list, shopping lists, budget. Any information I need to run my household. But I also have other places in my journal to explore my emotions, likes and dreams.
I have lists for what I want my future to look like. As well as a place for the resources that help me to feel my best. Little reminders of what matters. So when I need them, I can just flip through the pages and find something positive. This is also where I keep a traditional journal. About all the things and feelings that are coming up throughout my days. A place to get a bird’s eye view and some understanding of what I’m going through.
Along with my written journal, I have a rough guide of what my week looks like written down on my phone, so I know I have some time carved out to take care of the things that need attention, including myself. I don’t stick to it religiously, but like I said above, it’s nice to know that I have some time carved out for what needs attention. I also use my phone as an extension of my written journal. A place to jot down things to put on my todo list. Or emotional exploration prompts for my journal. There’s a link to Ryder Carrol’s “Bullet Journal” method that I use, in my Community page. Do a quick google search for “bullet journaling” and you’ll find a huge community of creatives, sharing their journaling ideas.
Food & Cooking
Cooking is something that has become a very important resource for me. I’ve mentioned in a few of my posts about how I never learned to nourish my body properly, due to growing up in a toxic environment extending to all things food related. Also how cooking for myself has become a soothing routine. It’s also done so much for my mental health. Especially around how I relate to nourishing myself.
Whether it’s for my weekly meal prep, or my self-care dinner, the act of gathering the recipes and ingredients and slowly following each step of each recipe, while a scented candle burns and whatever I’m listening to plays softly in a warm, dimly lighted kitchen, is something that brings me a real sense of ease and care. Knowing I can provide for and nourish my body in healthful ways is comforting. Considering that I was never taught how to do this in the past. Cooking has become a soothing ritual.
Learning to Cook For Yourself
It’s more than a little scary to think about the ways I was treating myself and what I was putting into my body. There were days where I just didn’t eat. I was solely running on caffeine and alcohol. The food I make for myself now is truly an act of love. And I’m almost always surprised at how well it turns out! I was taught how to cook at a restaurant that I used to work in, in my early twenties. I was taught by a woman from Bhutan, who was using Northern Indian cooking techniques to make Mexican and Asian inspired foods. And even though I didn’t appreciate the lessons then, I now understand how lucky I was to learn so much from such a talented chef.
Being able to cook for yourself has so many benefits. Exploring new cuisines and ingredients, trying out new dishes or finding a new favorite meal. Knowing how to cook for myself has carried me through many difficult days. I’ll usually block off some time during the week to cook for the upcoming weeks. As I said above, I light a candle and put some music on. Whatever is reflecting of the mood I want to embody. Then I lay out my ingredients and go through the recipes I’ve selected one by one.
The heat from the range or oven, the smells from the freshly chopped veggies or smoked tofu (which if you have a smoker, def get yourself some tofu marinated in Braggs aminos to smoke). The aroma from the sautéeing garlic, ginger and onions, or the spices melding together in a rich and flavorful curry. These are the moments that turn the simple act of cooking a meal into a method of self-care. And we all need to eat to live! What better motivation to learn how and to experiment!
Running & Yoga
Exercise is another important resource. My exercise comes in the forms of running and yoga. I used to lift weights in my early twenties. And even after I dislocated my shoulder while doing shoulder presses on session, I still continued to lift weights. This was mostly because I thought it would make me more of a man. One of my caregivers had lifted weights on and off during my childhood, so I was following in their footsteps in a way. And I didn’t mind it so much, but I was living in unhealthy ways while I was lifting.
I was smoking about a pack of cigarettes a day and was hungover more often than not while I was going to the gym. The lifestyle I was cultivating ran counter to the healthy habits I was trying to incorporate into my life. And as I said above, I was more concerned with how it made me look to others than how I felt.
The shift to working out to feel better, healthier happened for me in my early thirties. I started with running. I had just gotten out of a relationship, after waking up emotionally from the traumas I had endured in my childhood. It felt like a fresh start. And one day I got it in me to start running. I’m not sure the reason, but I started running once or twice a week. Two miles around the city commons, close to where I used to live.
After a few years of running two mile routes, my workouts evolved. I gained a few running buddies along the way, increased my speed from eleven minute miles to eight-thirty and even ran a half marathon at one point. I still run, though my mileage has decreased some. But the feeling of pushing myself just past what I feel my limits are is a good feeling. I no longer need to prove anything by pushing myself beyond what I’m capable of. Just enough to grow stronger. Sort of like the way muscle tears to grow bigger, the same happens when we push past our perceived limitations. We open ourselves up just a smidge more and make space to grow. But it’s important not to push yourself too hard.
Yoga, in many ways, is similar to running for me. I know that when I hop on the mat, I’m learning how to show up in my body when things gets difficult. Staying with the dis-ease I find during the workout. There’s also a sense of mastery of self. Flowing through the vinyasas, knowing that people have been doing this for millennia. Taming the thinking mind and strengthening mind and body at the same time, forging a tighter bond in ourselves, with ourselves.
And the more we show up for our practice, the stronger we get. I practice both yoga and running once every four days, staggering the two, one day apart. And it’s been a relief shedding the limiting belief that yoga is something only women do. I was raised in an environment that was toxically masculine. There were strict gender roles that were enforced by threatening to withhold belonging from the familial unit.
When I realized that everyone that was threatening to withhold belonging was doing it because they felt uncertain of their belonging, it was easy to strike out on my own and find my own path. For me, my caregivers wanted me to fit into a specific idea of how a man should behave. And men did not do yoga in my family. But it’s hard to be upset with them, knowing the amount of fear that they are living with. And for anyone who doesn’t think yoga is a workout, try sitting in chair pose for two minutes!
Also, another aspect of yoga that has been helpful is that it helped me to pay attention to my breathe. I hadn’t even thought of it until not too long ago, but I realized that I used to be a mouth breather. This happened after I looked at a few pictures of myself and found that my mouth was open in almost all of them.
Mouth breathing has a host of undesirable effects. One of them being that you only breathe into your upper lungs, which activates the sympathetic nervous system. This produces adrenaline due to not being able to enter a deep level of sleep. When you breathe through your nasal passages, you are breathing into your lower lungs. This activates your parasympathetic nervous system and helps to regulate your emotional state. If you’d like to read more about mouth vs. nasal breathing, check out this article.
Speaking of breathing, meditation is another resource that has given me the ability to stay present with myself and my emotions. I started meditating about the same time I started to run. It has evolved from my first time practicing, but has been a persistent and fulfilling practice. When I first started meditating, I did so laying down. I think I had been running on fumes for so long that I needed to rest and relax completely.
I later joined a sangha for a brief period. Now I meditate on my own, using an app that has a form of digital sangha. This feature is nice because it allows you to thank those you’ve meditated with during your session. And the more you practice at different times, the more you will recognize faces from different times of the day. I’ve gotten in the habit of thanking a handful of people I see on a regular basis. And every once and awhile I’ll send them a message asking them how they are. It’s become a great way to connect with others.
Music is another of my go to resources. I have a few playlists that I have for when I have a particularly tough day. There’s something special about listening to a playlist of carefully curated songs, maybe while sipping a cup of herbal tea in a room filled with candle light that just feels relaxing.
I listen to a wide variety of artists and genres. When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I listened to a lot of hardcore along with bands like Phish and the Dead. It was a strange mix to be sure. Since I’ve transitioned to the softer, singer-songwriter genre. But the love of music and its ability to transform a mood is still something I hold close.
I love the blues, and still remember the feelings I got from the images of light and color, like a mandala, when I was introduced to The Grateful Dead and hippie culture. There was a ripeness to it. A sense of welcoming and comfort but also excitement at the same time. And when I listen to some of those old songs from my past, I land just on the edge of that feeling.
I have one playlist specifically for when I need a boost of emotional support. It’s comprised of songs that all have a bit of advice or wisdom embedded in them. Things that I may have wished I heard when I was younger. Or maybe some wisdom I need in the present. Whatever the songs mean to you, listening to a playlist of your favorite songs is like saying a kind affirmation to yourself over and over again. In a sweetly wrapped voice telling you that it’s alright, you’re gonna be just fine. This, along with countless other applications, music really has the ability to transform our ways of being.
Resources for Resources
If you’re interested to learn more about some of my resources, head on over to my community page. There I have many of the resources I’ve listed above. I’d also love to hear what you have as resources! Leave a message in the comments below if you feel like it. Thanks for reading, and I hope some of these suggestions have given you a new perspective on something that may be common place. And as always, peace, and thanks for reading : )