Setting healthy boundaries and balance. This is a tough one for a lot of folks including myself. We’re taught from an early age that it is better to give than to receive and that being selfless is a virtue. And in some cases those are noble values. But when the list of people to please and the lists of tasks to do mount, what is a value can become a drain of your energy, vitality, and your willingness to engage with life and others. And depending on the viracity to which you hold to these values, the effects can be dramatic.
I used to have poorly defined boundaries as did those who were closest in to me. If I had a grievance with somebody I would hold it in and resentment would eventually take hold. Leaving me with a silent grudge that was left to fester. But it wasn’t just me. Most of the people I was in contact with day to day acted the same way. Arguments would erupt because of the smallest infraction or mistaken intention. All of which could have been avoided if we had just spoken candidly about how we felt about whatever the issue was. And sometimes even that isn’t enough!
I had a sort of falling out with a loved one recently who won’t talk to me because I asked them a question about a shared experience from our past. The question was benign enough. I asked if they had something from our youth that smelled of jasmine. They responded with, “I love you, but I just need time.” Time from what I’m not sure, but I know this person has a good heart. They just give more than they had to give and the result was, in this case anyway, a loss of a friend who could be a source of support.
We’ve all been in this person’s shoes. Too much to do and too many people and things to keep track of with not enough time to do it all in. The stress mounts until it feels like it’s all just too much to keep in. This is where setting personal boundaries and finding balance by offsetting some of life’s stressors is most important. Ideally we would have some resources to fall back on before we get to this level of stress. But it’s never too late to take a break and give yourself the time and space needed to recover from the constant inflow of life stressors, whatever they may be.
One of the first steps in psychological self care is prevention. If the above scenario feels all too familiar, difficulty saying no to added responsibility, then setting a boundary around saying no to added responsibility will help to prevent some stress. It’s healthy to want to do for others. It’s one of the ways we create tight bonds and close relationships with one another and one of the love languages. But when we take on so much that the tasks we agree to do become a source of distress, then we’re tearing apart the connections we were trying to build when we agreed to take them on in the first place.
Alternately when stress does mount, journalling can be a way to put some distance between yourself and the situation. Giving yourself the time and space needed to gain a new perspective. Coming up with a resource list can be helpful as well. Something I’ve added to my journal for times when you feel as though you’ve run out of ideas or are just too tired to think.
Laughter is another obvious, though sometimes elusive, resource and release from stress. It’s funny because at any given moment if I were asked if I’d like to have a good laugh, I would be happy to. But I’m usually too preoccupied or engaged in what I’m doing to relax enough. If you’re uptight like I am not to worry, humor is something that can be cultivated. By searching for shows or comedians that strike a chord with you or finding an author who speaks to your sense of humor. And don’t forget conversations with friends, family or co-workers that you are able to be comfortable with. Maybe start a conversation around a funny thing that happened to you in the past. Ask about others funny stories. They’re out there and they’re some gems!
Though, stressful times are often when it’s most difficult to focus on cultivating a relaxed state. Being mindful of the times we are stressed can be a powerful tool in helping us to come back to the mindset that can help cultivate a relaxed state of being. And help to aid in developing a sense of humor. By recognizing we are stressed we can then realize that it is a passing emotion and allow it to flow through us. Rather than tighten our focus on how to stop, avoid or get rid of, the stress.
Exploring and cultivating interests and hobbies. Saying no to stressful situations and responsibilities when you know you’ve taken too much on. Journaling or spending time with friends and family communicating and laughing, are all ways to help cultivate a relaxed state of being. They also allow us the time and space necessary to create the boundaries and balance that are so important in caring for our mental health and well being.
So whether it’s asking a co-worker to pick up a task that you know you just won’t have the time to do. Writing about the emotions that come up during the day in your journal. Or finding a new comic or author to immerse yourself in. Taking time to recognize when you’re stressed and how to bring yourself back to a more relaxed version of you is a skill worth practicing. And one that will bring you peace and balance.